Socks!

Wednesday - I attended a business seminar this morning. It's part of a government something-or-other that helps small businesses. I found out that they are there ot help out, free of charge, to anyone who wants it. For once I can see where our tax dollars are doing something good. Not just because I will benefit from it, but because it's helping people who are thinking about the future.

Anyway, I learned a bit about becoming a LLC and a bit about taxing. I'll be filing lots of stuff in the next several weeks and I'm nervous and excited about it.

There is a small part of me (which I'm doing my best to eliminate) that feels that a business isn't really a business unless you are in debt up to your eyeballs during the first few years. and yet, I've not borrowed a cent for ASC. Any equipment came from saving up or a tax refund. All the yarn up front came from my own money and after that it came from the sales. Same with the dyes and everything else. So I need to squash those thoughts and keep growing as I have been.

Friday - Well, I'm all signed up for the 2012 Tour de Sock. Yes, this is pretty exciting to me. I plan to work on the toughest pattern from last year to get a little practice in and to make sure I can get the socks done in time. I'm determined this year!

Sunday - What a wonderfully relaxing day! You know that the world is a good place when you can spend a day with your loved one and knit. The whole day. I made some progress with the practice sock. At this point I'm pretty sure it won't fit me, but that's not really the point, yet. Right now it's all about practice and getting the technique committed to muscle memory.

Monday - More changes are on the horizon for my business. New yarns, new colors, new ideas. I am so thrilled about some of it.

I'm actually a little tired right now so I'm going to post this and head to bed. I hope you all have a fabulous week!

Busy days

There have been so many days filled with staying busy! I wrote nothing this past week and tonight am tired enough that it doesn't matter. Some of the thoughts going through my head are unkind, other thoughts are filled with light. The shadows worry me simply because I fear the imbalanced nature of my Self. I know that I cannot only hold onto what is positive and bright, but I must also accept the negative and dark.

Still, it is my goal to share much more of the good stuff than the bad. Do I still vent some of the negative? Of course. To the only people who would love me anyway and not sit in judgment. To the only ones who would hear the harsh words and not pull away from me. These are the people who have heard the worst and still are willing to be around me.

For now, I am going to bed and hope that I wake feeling more refreshed in the morning.

Blessings to you all.

Longer days

Oh, how the sunlight beckons me! And yet, the wind chills me in a way I didn't feel through the winter. Perhaps it is the tiredness from dream-filled nights. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. Who knows?

I sent a note to my Dad last week about my big change (some of you already know about it, others will know when it's finalized). He was interested in knowing how and why I came to that decision. I'm thinking I should type it out and send it to a few other people, if they ask.

~

I haven't written in a couple days mainly due to being tired. This morning, however (Friday) I woke knowing that I'd not dreamed. Or, at least, I don't remember them. I actually feel like I got enough sleep for a change, even though it was a short night. I hope tonight is the same.

I got a treadmill yesterday! Yes, I'm pretty excited about it. I've been riding the bike since December 1 and have been doing fairly well with it. Now, it's time to work the muscles a little differently. I know it will take a little getting used to, but I'm looking forward to using it a lot.

~

Oh! I have this fabulous idea! And I have an idea of how to make it work. But how will the colors look once they are knitted or crocheted? How will the items work? I think it's time to rally some crafting troops and see what happens. At best I'll get a few people to help me out with this. At worst, they will send me good thoughts and cheer me on. It's a winning situation all around.

(By the day's end I realized that I had troops aplenty! What a beautiful group of women!)

~

I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open, but I want to get this out before I tell my loved ones good night.

I spent today mostly outdoors. The early afternoon was spent gathering dandelions (Kevin has a humongous yard, and a good portion of it is far from automobile exhaust and anything else detrimental to health). I am not sure what recipe I'll be trying out, but they will certainly get put to good use. After I filled up the bowl, I sat in the sun with Kevin's grandson, Demetrius. At one point he decided that I needed more flowers and began decorating my legs with them. What a cool kid.

Kevin was doing some yard work and called us over to see something. It was a toad! How cool it is to see such creatures right there in the yard. After I got a couple pictures and Demetrius looked at it, the toad tried to dig himself in even further.

Even though this was the first Easter I spent without any blood-related people, it was a great day.

~

Today I start dyeing with a new idea! I'm so very excited about this. My new equipment will finish arriving today (some of it came on Saturday) and I am ready to get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all the samples shipped out so that the projects can get started. This is so exciting!

I also am looking forward to a couple knitting ideas I have for a very special skein of yarn. Before I start that one, though, I will be finishing up a few other projects (socks & scarf).

This will be a great week!

Spring restlessness

Ah, here it is; that restlessness that I get when the days begin to lengthen and the temperatures rise. I want to leave again. Just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas, fill it up and drive again (granted, that isn't very far with a Jeep, but still). It's not always easy to deal with this feeling and I can only hope those around me will keep their patience with me as I muddle through this. I wonder if this is what causes some people to abandon their children or cheat on their spouses. Something to think about, I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave Brianna & Kevin behind, nor would I just pick up and go without some sort of plan. It's just the desire for change. For something other than this town. I know that I still have goals to reach. I know I have other things to consider. It's just a passing drive to go... anywhere.

~

The dreams are still strong and disturbing. How is it that I dream like this so clearly? The last time this happened was... March 2008 (when I got my CCW). I was getting to the point where I was more tired when I woke in the morning than I was when I went to sleep. And now. The dreams don't seem to have any real pattern, just like last time. Mostly filled with the feeling of dread, of sadness, and of betrayal. I don't remember what I did last time to make the dreams stop, but I'll be trying out some things until they end and I can go back to my normal dreaming.

~

I got a pleasant surprise yesterday afternoon. The scale hasn't changed in weeks, but I took my measurements and found that my waist had decreased by 2.5"! I was doing a happy dance, I will admit. I'm glad there is some measurable change and not just the fact that my muscles feel stronger.

Today was a great day financially, too. All my taxes were completed and submitted and I do not owe anything. Whew! I will be getting a little bit and already have plans for it. A new skein-winder & ball-winder for the shop, a trip to Asheville, and possibly a lawnmower. Or a treadmill. I'm leaning toward the treadmill. We'll see.

~

I finally watched Casablanca! (Thank you, Kevin!) It was pretty good and I learned where dozens of lines came from. Wow, I should have watched it much sooner. Still, it was very nice.

The weekend was mostly pleasant and I did my best to relax. I'm still holding the sleeplessness and restlessness at bay for now. I think it still tinged the weekend with a little tension, though. Even so, I laughed and loved and was able to release it all for a bit.

I don't know if I can convey how important it is to know that I can lean on someone and they won't pull away. I am a strong person and have relied on myself most of my adult life, but when I'm tired and dream-weary, I have a tendency to withdraw. The laughter over the weekend helped so much with that.

~

I was awake way too early today. It was partially my own fault for going to bed last night so early (shortly after 8). I did try to go back to sleep, instead I lay there, my mind swirling around too much. Even the meditation music didn't help. So now I'm awake and finishing this post. And I have nothing profound to write about.

I finished my sweater on Saturday. It looks lovely and I'm looking forward to wearing it next winter. I'll overdye it pretty soon to even out some of the color but that's all that's needed. In the meantime, I'm continuing my journey across Middle Earth, continuing the strength training, and continuing to explore new recipes (today will be homemade almond butter). And, I will continue finding new inspirations.

May you all have a blessed week.

Smiles with Life

Tuesday: What a wondrous day! I woke filled with an energy of excitement and felt ready to take on the world. Changes are coming and I am looking forward to it all. There are still people who will need to be told, and I will get to it soon. I think they will believe me even more crazy than they already do, but some will shrug it off as "just the way she is". Others will not be so kind, but they do not matter.

When I talked with my Dad about the change I was making, he was a lot more understanding than I thought he would be. I'm so grateful for that!

Thursday: The weather is too nice to remain indoors and I have been walking in the mornings. My body is still protesting the use of different muscles (from biking), but I'm feeling even more alive. There is a grand beauty in the world sometimes.

Days like today are what I will remember when I have grown old.

Friday: A day to celebrate! And to share with loved ones. Sales are doing well and I'm going to be able to expand my lines a bit. With the way things are going, I will now be able to carry more yarn kits along with the regular updates! That is a really great thing.

On the downside (but not really), we're still muddling through the taxes. My preparer is Rachel and she's so patient and helpful! Last year I just lumped everything together, since I didn't really know better, but she's showing me how to separate everything out into different sections. I'm learning that I will need to completely revamp my spreadsheet, but I'm fine with that. Especially since it will make things a lot easier next year.

My fingers are crossed that I don't owe anything (I didn't make quarterly payments during 2011.)

Monday: The weekend was fabulous! I got to spend it with Kevin and Demetrius, playing with blocks, watching a movie, and looking at trains. I've mixed feelings about being called "Grandma". Part of me feels honored that his parents are teaching Demetrius to call me that, while another part of me feels that it's just not possible. After all, I'm only forty and still feel so alive. After listening to the two of them (Kevin & Demetrius) playing in the early morning, I had this thought: I will be the coolest and most vibrant grandmother I can be. To any and all children who call me Ama (the name I am claiming as a unique and awesome grandmother).

I had a long letter from a friend over the weekend and, when I sat down to read the whole thing without distraction, I was touched by all the love she was sending to me through it. There are still things that I am hurting over, and things I need to make decisions about, but I feel more calm and at peace with myself. I am going to take more time for just thinking and not filling my day with noise and clatter. I need the calm. As much as I need to know that the support is there.

Deep changes

I can feel so many changes in the winds! Some I am nervous about, while others bring me a sense of excitement.

I woke this morning around 2 with a storm moving in. I did the normal routine: check for weather alerts, debate sending a text to Kevin, check the candle, check the sleeping child, check the cats, watch the lightning for a little bit, lay back down. I love storms. and the energy they bring. I know I'm usually a little tired during the following days, but I wouldn't sleep through them if I could.

Tuesdays are generally fun for me since I spend time with the dyes and "play". What will come out of the pots? I'm usually surprised with the color combinations that happen. Today felt like it needed to be spring colors.

-

Thursday: Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but I had to come to terms with something I didn't want. Instead of looking at this as a negative I'm going to hold onto some words that were said to me and see this as a positive step to my good health.

-

Some storms are just more awesome than others. Last night it hailed and the energy helped to create a playful mood. Afterward, the thunder continued rumbling and creating energy surges. Yes, it was another sleep-short night, but it was definitely well worth it.

Today's shop update will be filled with the new colors and I hope my customers like them as much as I do. Several skeins are going into the bin for Tour de Sock since I'm one of the event sponsors again. The winners last year were pretty happy with the prizes and I'm hoping they will be again.

-

Monday: The weekend was filled with some pretty cool events. Brianna's first pair of track shoes were bought, time spent talking with Kevin, time spent with other family members, good journaling, and knitting. There are moments in my life when I truly believe it can't get better. Then I think of how wondrous the future will be and I know that I am going to love every bit of it. Hard times, good times, I'm looking forward to them all.

Tomorrow will be another big step for me. Some of you already know about it, and the rest will know very soon. Ostara. Six weeks after that will be Beltane. Both are powerful celebrations for Pagans and they both will have a special meaning for me. I look forward to telling you all about it.

For now, I hope you all have a chance to enjoy the beauty of Spring.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.

Almost blooming

Yes, I've skipped the last two Mondays. I don't have a particular reason other than the energy just wasn't there. Sometimes that happens and a person just needs a break from things so that they can focus their energy somewhere else. Like personal healing.

Some good things have happened over the last couple weeks. I spent a day in my kitchen trying out new recipes, I pushed myself with my knitting, I pushed myself physically, I even pushed myself emotionally. That last was the hardest. But I am feeling a little better in the space I created for my Self.

There are bright moments when I can feel comfortable in the promises I've heard. Those moments when my heart acknowledges them and starts to accept them. Even through the turmoil of the doubts and fears. Those are the moments I am making more space for. The moments I am letting the sun shine on.

Today's entry will be brief. I have so many thoughts swirling at the same time and I don't want them to come out garbled. Instead, I will send out loving energy to all and hope that your day is filled with peace.

Shifting Energies

Peaceful feelings are beginning to fill me more often. I still haven't decided how I feel about this. I had to really think about whether it was apathy or true inner peace and I believe it's true peace.

You see, there are people who have entered my life and exited almost as swiftly. Only, recently I made the conscious decision to shut them out. Interestingly enough, I do not feel as though I don't care what happens to them. Instead I wish them peace.

~

I haven't felt very good over the last couple days. Because of that I didn't reach my physical goals, but this time I do not feel guilty about it. Instead I feel good that I listened to what my body was telling me and I recovered a lot faster than I thought.  I think I'm completely over whatever it was and I'm looking forward to getting on the bike again tomorrow and continuing this cool journey. Of course, I also intend to keep going with the hooping and other stuff, too.

~

Yes, I got back on the bike today. I was really surprised to feel so wonderful about it. I didn't go very fast, but I did keep a good pace and finished up with more than seventeen miles. I might be a little sore tomorrow, but it will be worth it. I know the scale isn't changing as quickly as I would like, but I'm not unhappy with it. I know the muscles are changing and that means more than a number on the scale. After all, I want this to be long term. I fully intend to be able to skip and dance when I get to the Glastonbury Tor.

~

I love waking with a smile. The last few Fridays have been like that. Some of it is because of Love, some is the knowledge that the shop updates are waiting, some is that it's the end of the week and I look forward to spending some relaxing time away from this town. Mostly, it's because... Life is good.

~

I didn't have the time or patience to write yesterday. The Jeep died. At the first place I stopped. That created the need to postpone all my errands and to spend money on a cab home, but all in all it wasn't that bad. Kevin fixed the cable after work and everything is back to working order. After that, it was time to relax.

I want to talk about a movie, but I'm going to use that for a regular blog post instead of here. It's important that I get all my thoughts out for it. I can explain in that post the reason, but not here.

I tried to explain a feeling last night and realized that the human languages are just not enough. Perhaps after I have left this body I will find the way to express all that is encompassed in the moments I was trying to describe, but there simply is no way to do that now. Still, even with the limits of our words, I think I got my meaning across. I think it helped that the one listening was hearing with their Spirit and not just their ears.

~

What a beautiful sunny day! I woke around 4 this morning and listened to the house and the world around me. I nearly sent a text just to share that moment. Instead I lit a candle and sent out peace and love to where it was needed most. I hope this day goes well for everyone.

Homecoming...

Each day I feel myself growing stronger and more comfortable with the power that I once took for granted. Yes, power. Many people will not understand what I'm talking about and I won't go into detail here, but I can feel the strength of it returning. In my muscles, in my breath, in my dreams, in my will. Why did I let it go so many years ago? For reasons that no longer make sense. For reasons I look at now and shake my head about.

I don't feel a need to write each day in here, partly because I'm doing so much other writing. I'm keeping two journals lately, one that I will burn when the time is right and one that will stay with me through the years. The first one is filled with the anguish and anger I'm releasing. In it, I pour out words that would cut and scar the people I'm angry with. These are words that would be remembered for decades and would be so very hard to forgive. These are words that, I know, would make it impossible to remain friends, much less anything more than that. Am I a coward for not telling the people how I feel? Some might think so, but they didn't know me when the Rage took over and I cut loved ones left and right. I've grown past the point of letting the heat spill out and onto those around me, but I've learned that I am not so wise that I no longer feel that acrimony.

The anguish? That stems from the fear of things I can not control. It also comes from the feelings that there were people once who accepted me for all that I was. I miss them more than words can describe. Yes, I miss others who are no longer walking this earth, but they never came to accept me, even though I was of their blood. On my own journey, I'm learning to let go of the hurt. It's not an easy thing, letting go of a lifetime of exclusion. For the most part, the people I currently choose to have in my life have accepted me completely. There are still a few who only seem to accept me if I fit into who they think I am, and when I don't fit into their tiny box, there are conflicts. Those conflicts can cause pain, especially when I care for the person. Still, they need to know that I do not fit into their view of the world. Knowing that I would rather let them go, than to squeeze into that narrowness again is painful.

I know that the ones who mean the most to me do accept me. Well, mostly. I know my Dad is still trying, and I know his heart is wholly open to learning who I am. That means a lot. The others? My children? Kevin? My best friends? They see me in the Light and the Shadows and love me all the more.

-

The day is getting closer to Anthony's arrival. I can write of it here simply because this won't even be published until after he's here. We're going to watch it at my place early Saturday morning. Yes, yes, I know it will most likely be a non-event and I probably won't even be able to tell which one is Anthony, but in my heart I will know that he's getting off that plane. I will know that one of those young men will be my son returning to the US. I can't even begin to tell you how special that is.

-

The house is quiet right now. Anthony left Afghanistan two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not worried, though. I know that he won't have access to the internet or anything else like that for a while.

There is an expectation hovering around me. I can feel it rising and falling with the hours. I am hoping that sleep will not be elusive. I don't feel tired, but I know that I need to rest. I think I'll read in bed for a while. And breathe.

-

So, I just got an email saying that Anthony is in Kyrgyszstan (that's the name on the map). That still is so far away! And he's supposed to arrive in the morning?! How is that possible?

-

I was right about the non-event yesterday, but Anthony called around 9 in the morning and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice without the delay as the call was sent around the globe. I felt pretty good about not being overly emotional about it all throughout the day. There were texts from family sent to Anthony, postings on Ravelry and Facebook, emails, love sent out... The day was filled with love. I'm not sure how I would have handled it all if I'd been alone. Having someone here to help me stay grounded probably did more to settle my emotions than anything else.

Tonight I'm ready to fall asleep long before I should be. Today was relaxing and quiet. The only real work was moving a bed. I did send a text to April & Kam for their half- and full-marathons and part of me wishes I could have been there to cheer them on, but I think they knew that I was thinking about them both. The rest of the day was just... mellow. And yet, I feel a need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Maybe it is just the relief of knowing that Anthony is finally back. Maybe it is just the release of that tension that has been with me since August. I hope that's all it is.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful Monday.

-

I found out that Anthony won't be home until the end of the month. Ugh. Still, I am happy that so many things were taken care of in such a short time.

Today I spent a portion of my time trying out new colors in the kitchen. Pacasha & I are already planning this month's PS... color and I can't wait to get started on it. I'll be dyeing them tomorrow and hopefully getting them completely ready to go before Friday. In the meantime, I'm also dyeing extra skeins for the Tour-de-Sock. Will this be an annual event? Perhaps. I am looking forward to seeing everyone's new socks this year. I'm also working on extra skeins for the SAFF. I know that's still a long way off, but I'd rather start now instead of rushing later.

Tomorrow I'll be making a new batch of laundry soap. Yes, I do that. I like doing things like that for myself. I know it's so much easier picking up a bottle at the store, but I never claimed to do things the easy way. I'm looking forward to the day when I will have hens again, too. They made me laugh and I miss watching them run across the yard with their waddle, while trying to keep hold of the worm or small snake they'd found before the others could snatch it away.

I remind myself that it will be just a little more time.