Catching up

Day fourteen: Star

The stars, the stars. Oh, how bright they'll shine, on that home that we build in the meadow.

Since I was a very young child I have been fascinated by the stars. I can remember traveling somewhere late in the night and looking up into the sky at the stars and wondering why they seemed to stay with us. I have no idea where we were going or coming from, only that I usually fell asleep with the stars in my dreams. Even when I was a little older (around 12 or so) my bed was positioned in such a way that I could look up as I drifted off.

I don't know that many constellations or even which stars are in the hemisphere, but I've always been able to pick out the Three Braves and the Bear, the Hunter, the Dragon. Occasionally I can find others, but it's not the imaginings of others that interest me the most, it's the wonder of the stars themselves. The distance, their size, and their beauty.

Day fifteen: Nature

Nature has always held a very important role in my life. From watching a mama "horny toad" with her babies in a Texas back yard to seeing the graceful swoop of a bald eagle in flight on the Huron River, I've always been able to feel a sense of wonder at the wildlife around me. Perhaps that is part of why I wanted to live in the mountains so much... there were more animals than people.

I could go one about this subject, but I think it would be a whole post an I do need to shower and get ready to sleep.

Day sixteen: Cycle

Each time the days shorten to nearly nothing I've felt a pull to slow down and really take a look at my life. At the same time I feel a great need to create something new and wonderful. In the years past I've used that fire to design a couple of sweaters. They both were fabulous in their own ways and I love them. Last year I was hit with another design, but haven't yet put it to paper. But it's there, building and waiting.

Around the Solstice I usually take time to be alone. I'm not sure how that will happen this year, but I will do what I can to make it so. Generally, I sit in silence and think about the longest night and how the Earth is shifting and tilting to give us the cycle of seasons. I think about the position of the planets around us and the cycle of the sun. I think about the animals sleeping soundly and the birds flitting from tree to tree. I think about Life and Death and how it all spirals around us, each day.

Day twelve: Ornament

Warm and Cozy

When I think about the ornaments I've had over the years I can't help but smile. There have been the cute homemade ones that the kids would bring home from school, their faces beaming with delight with the knowledge that they did something cool. There were special ones that we'd pick out each year, one new ornament for each of us. Even the simple glass balls that added a little glamour to our wee trees.

But my favorite one of all is this one. There is a hole in the back where a light plugs in (the regular strand kind of bulb) and creates a soft glow in the "room". I have had this since before Anthony was born, but I'm not sure exactly how far back. I do recall that I bought it from my Avon lady. This one is my favorite simply because it embodies all that I think of when I think of a warm and peaceful evening. The fireplace is glowing with the flames, the cat is curled up and sleeping, books on the mantle are waiting to be read, and the tree is quietly reminding us that Nature is a huge part of this season.

It's funny, the emotional attachment we place on things. I know that this is a silly bit of plastic, and I'm not even reminiscent of the time that it was purchased. Instead, it's the feeling of hope and wonder that it reminds me of.

May you all have a wonder-filled day.

Post a day?

I'm currently taking part in a crafty picture-a-day bit of fun and am enjoying it so far. I know that a part of my challenge is following it through to the end. I've been great at starting these things only to let it dwindle within a couple of weeks. But I'm saying that it's different now. Why? Because I will make it so.

Another woman (you really should check out her blog) put up this image a couple of days ago and I was thinking pretty hard about the prompts. But, I couldn't think of anything that would be "right" for the pictures. Only words. And so... I'm going to post each day based on the prompt. I'm going to be using this as a kickstart to getting this blog more current, more vibrant, and more On Fire.

Since I'm a few days late in getting started, I'll combine the first five days here:

One: Advent

I will admit that I don't have a clear understanding of what Advent is. I didn't attend church when I was young except for the occasional trip with Grammie or something like that. When I was about fourteen I was given the opportunity to visit a variety of churches so that I could find one that I liked. I ended up choosing the Peoria Presbyterian Church because of the way everyone felt like they knew each other, it was small, and the pastor and his family were pretty cool. Even though I attended every Sunday and even had a big part of the VBS, I didn't learn the particulars of each season. The basics, yes, but not the finer details.

So I looked up what "advent" means.

ad·vent

ˈadˌvent/

noun

noun: advent; plural noun: advents

1.

the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event.

2. Advent

   a. The liturgical period preceding Christmas, beginning in Western churches on the fourth Sunday before Christmas and in Eastern churches in mid-November, and observed by many Christians as a season of prayer, fasting, and penitence.

I'll be honest, that didn't really help me to understand. But I gave it some thought and broke it down in a way that resonated with me. "The arrival" of something notable. That could mean so many different things to each person. To me, it meant the coming of a time to learn more about my own Self. The same Self that I'd set aside because she didn't fit the role of what I thought was supposed to be. The same Self that was dwindling with each passing year. The same Self that wanted to fly and sing and dance. For many, this is a time of prayer and thoughtfulness. I will be using it for meditation, journaling, and growing.

Two :Wait

Waiting isn't easy for me. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it's been that way for a long while now. Currently I am waiting to finish recovering from pneumonia. I've been impatient with the process, angry with my body's slowness and fatigue, and frustrated with my lungs' diminished capacity for deep breathing.

And yet... I'm learning to look at this as a lesson. To slow down, to listen to my limits, to say no when I am already overreaching and overworking. To take better care of my Self. To rest and to recharge. Sometimes waiting is exactly what is needed.

Three: Listen

My days used to be filled with music. I'd turn the radio on in the morning (or set up a few cds or a long playlist on the computer) and not turn it off until I went to bed. Sometimes I'd even set up a soothing bit of music to sleep by. That dwindled somewhat over the years and I missed it so very much. I can't place my finger on a time when I actually stopped turning the music on each day, but I know it's been a long time. On Tuesday (the day this prompt was for), I set up Pandora and left it running all day. It was so nice coming home to a beautiful song! It was also nice having the peace of the music flowing through my house all throughout the day.

Four: Promise

This one was harder to think about. You see, I have a promise inside just for Me. A promise that I cannot share aloud. But it is strong and proud and fierce. I can feel it glowing and growing. For now, I will share this bit... I promise to listen to my intuition and to act on the messages I feel/hear.

Five: Anticipation

In many ways, I've forgotten what anticipation felt like. I can clearly recall worry, wondering at an outcome, and even waiting for someone to show up at the door. But anticipation? That wonder-filled emotion that makes your breath come quicker, brings a smile to your eyes, and sends a tremor of delight through your bones? No, that's been a distant memory for ages. But... I was able to get Brianna a gift for Yule this year. One that she didn't ask for but I know that she wants it dearly. And it arrived yesterday while she was in school. Currently it is wrapped up and sitting on the altar next to the tree we have set up. and that feeling of anticipation began to bloom. I know that she won't care that I spent only a few dollars for it. I know that she won't care that it's not brand new. I also know that she will cherish it and it will bring that sparkle to her eyes. And I can't wait for her to open it. That is my anticipation right now.

Rising slowly...

Have you missed me?

I can't say that the last few months have been fabulous, but neither have they been horrible. I've been struggling with some hurts and decisions and the direction I want my life to be heading. This is never an easy task and one made even more difficult when there are other lives intertwined with mine. I have my children to think about. Granted, one is now an adult and can take care of himself and the other is nearly an adult and will soon be out on her own. But they are still considered with the decisions I make, especially the really big ones. I have others, too, but their part is too vast in this to even attempt the task of narrowing it down to mere words.

I had withdrawn into my deepest Self at the end of February. The reasons for that are my own and I've only shared them with one person. I may never share them with other people, but that could change over time. As everything can, and always does, change. During this time, I had been thinking about how I let other people affect me. I'd been contemplating prescription medication (yeah, really). I'd been trying to figure out what I should fight for and what I should let go of. In the middle of it all my spark of Light and Hope flickered to nearly nothing and I almost gave up everything. Don't get me wrong, I'd never end my life or anything like that, but there are other ways to give up. One is to give up that brilliance that we all have inside. To give that up means that you just go from day to day following the routine, smiling when it's appropriate, answering the questions people ask you, and never allowing the beauty of the world to really touch your soul. To me, that is a far deeper death than the cessation of bodily life.

During this time of sheltering my Self, there were only a few moments of emotional connection and they brought on such a rush of chaos or pain that I broke down and cried. Some of those times I didn't merely shed a few tears, I sobbed so fiercely that I thought I'd break in two. And, when the words I spoke were misunderstood or even ignored by those around me, I stepped back into my cave.

I read the various "words of wisdom" that were splashed in my books, across Facebook, and written in other places and I tried to figure out how they fit into my life. Fight for what you believe in. Let go of the struggle. Live your life to the fullest. Find gratitude in the life you have. Eliminate the toxic people from your life. Forgive those who cause you pain. Hold on. Let go. Smile. Cry. Be at peace. Let the rage wash over you. Don't give up. Accept your fate.Where is the enlightenment in the middle of so many conflicting messages? Which answers really fit the Life I want to give to myself? What choices do I make?

Part of me realized that there is a need for all of those bits of wisdom. During some parts of my life I will need to forgive the hurts and keep those people around, during others I will need to forgive and walk away without looking back. At some points I will need to smile and let joy shine through, at others I will need to cry and let the rage boil over. All of these are vital to a life lived to the best of my ability. I deserve nothing less than that.

I knew something had to change so I started working on some things that would help my future be a little more stable. Each day I worked on something that would benefit my life in some way or another. Some days it was making sure I meditated. Many days it was dyeing extra yarns. Once in a while it was letting myself just stare out the window at the birds in the back yard for a little while. Regardless of what it was that I did, I made sure it was done with reverence for the gift of Life that I had been given.

Yesterday a lot of those things coalesced into a fabulous day of celebrations. The money for my CCW permit, the filing of my business registration, the completion of one of my healer's certifications, the order placed for more shipping labels, the lunch with my son, the requirement met for the new team in Nerd Wars, and, perhaps most important, the support I felt from my loved ones and my friends.

Are there still pieces of my life that are in shambles? Yes, of course. But I have come to realize that it's not entirely up to me to rebuild what has been shattered. Some things that have been broken need repairs from other people, too. My job is to live my life with the integrity that I know I am capable of, with the bravery I know I have inside me, and with the dedication to what I believe in that I know I have the capacity for. (Hah! I just realized that the antonyms for those are honor, courage, and commitment... yes, I find that amusing, considering that the first 28 years of my life I thought bad things about the Marine Corps.)

And now? Now I am taking the time to breathe. And to Shine just a little bit until I feel stable again with all the emotions.

Espresso!

Yes, I now have a lovely machine to create espresso and cappuccino. It's from my Dad and I've been playing around with getting the froth right. I love the fact that my 1% milk can bring such a rich and creamy texture to my coffee each day. I just might stop buying half & half. You see, while I was in Asheville I had a couple chai lattes and have decided that I really like it a lot. I'll be using this little machine to enjoy that sweet drink (with stevia instead of sugar) right here at home.

I also got a new dress. This is something that I'd not planned to do for quite some time, but we had a wedding to attend on the 13th and I just didn't feel right wearing my Gypsyesque attire. And so, we went shopping and found something at the local Goodwill (I really do like that place). I wasn't really sure how it would look on me since the mirrors in the dressing rooms are inadequate and I had the opinion of a teen daughter who really didn't feel like shopping. After it was washed & dried, I put it back on and was told again that it looked pretty good on me.

The wedding was a lovely event. Outdoors, nice breeze, great temperatures. And! My friend Maha was the one officiating (she also does healing work). How cool is that? When we got to the reception I was quite impressed with the simple, yet elegant decor. Very Autumn-like with various squashes, pine cones, and apples. The food was Mediterranean and was delicious. I splurged a bit that day with the gyro bread and didn't feel guilty at all.

Afterward we enjoyed a quiet weekend with laughter, movies, and the great feeling of family.

Sunday morning I woke thinking about my Mom (it was her birthday) and how much more I miss her now than I did when I was only twenty-three. I hardly gave her a second thought for a few years after she passed away. I'd carried resentment for so many things and just figured it was better to leave her out of my thoughts than to get angry every time she crossed my mind. It wasn't until a month or so after my car accident that I began to think of her with any kind of appreciation. Brianna brought that about with her complete faith in her angel, who I am certain was my mother.

While on the phone with my Dad that night, though... I could hear in his voice the love he still has for her. Yes, even after all of these years. They've been apart for nearly four decades at this point. No, I'm not joking. I think I was four years old at the time she left him. And still, his voice cracks a little when he speaks of her.

I feel blessed to have come from a love like that.

What an adventure!

These last two weeks have been filled with so many new things!

On the 13th I boarded a plane to Asheville, NC. This was the first flight I actually chose to take. The others were forced upon me due to moving (flying from Washington to Phoenix when I was 10) or necessity (a deposition when I was 30) and I was miserable the whole time I was on those flights. This one, however, was more filled with the excitement of what was to come and the lovely surprise planned for April. Everything went so smoothly, too. The security check was a breeze, the flight had no mishaps, there was a shuttle waiting to take me to the other gate for the connecting flight, and the weather was lovely.

On the 15th I ran/walked in the Asheville 5k. After the first burst of energy, I only ran downhill and walked uphill. There were a lot of hills!!! I was sure I'd end up taking a whole hour on that route, but I made it across the finish line in just over 44 minutes. I was mostly happy with that time. That afternoon Kam & April had a party and we all celebrated the run. (Kam & April ran the half marathon!) Good food, Patrón Cafe, laughter, and friendship... what a wonderful way to celebrate Life!

After that, there was a combination of new foods (my first Indian food), workouts, knitting, and a drive to Mount Mitchell. The whole set of pictures is here and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every moment of the trip. Even the workouts. I woke each morning at my normal times (5:30-ish) and stepped outside to greet the day. Each morning Moon Kitty would walk out there with me and sit by my feet while I breathed in the fresh morning air. Each evening I would fall asleep with a smile on my face. And through every moment I felt true gratitude that I was alive and able to see the beauty in everything around me.

And now I am home and thinking about all the stuff I want to do before the end of the year. Clearing out the house, getting even more healthy, working on my businesses of choice, and so much more. The cooler weather is setting in and it's time to begin looking inside for reflection. I have people in this world, near and far, who fully support me in all that I do. I have strength of heart and body to carry me through the tough times. I have creativity and passion to fuel my Life on Fire.

I am truly blessed.

Repairs & Recharging

This has been one of the more stressful weeks of this year as well as one of the most rewarding. Nothing big happened to cause the stress, just a pile of little things each day that only added to the stress of the day before. At one point I broke down and cried in anger and frustration simply because I had reached the end of the rope and there were more little stresses being added. Why did I not release some of the stresses before it got to that point? Pride? Perhaps. But I'll tell you this; I handled it on my own. Maybe not with as much grace as I would have liked, but still, I handled it.

But the good stuff? Ah, the good stuff was very good.

Earlier this week I attended the first live/online class I've been able to attend. All the others were on a night when it was really too late in the evening, but this time, I was okay staying up just a little late. It was so cool to be able to ask questions when they came to mind and hear from the other students as well. This class was about the code of ethics and how we should handle clients and lots of other stuff. Very helpful, to say the least. (For those wondering; I haven't missed any of the classes before this, I've been downloading the recorded versions.)

I had started to lose faith that I'd be able to run 5k by my birthday. The times that I could actually run were so limited and I just couldn't see a way to get any good training in. I posted about it, and felt bad about doing so. But then... April kind of nudged me in a different direction and told me what to do. And I followed her instructions. Then I reached 900 miles on my trip across Middle Earth! How awesome is that‽ I didn't even hurt that much the following day. Yes, I was very sore, but I didn't feel like I was going to cry every time I walked down the hallway. Now I'm pretty certain I can reach my goal after all.

This weekend was an odd mix of emotions. Brianna & I ran our errands early-ish on Saturday and it felt good to get some of the things we really needed. The budget is still very tight, but there was more breathing room this time. After a wonderful dinner with two of my loved ones, I spent a relaxed evening watching Angels & Demons (I'd never seen it before) and sipping coffee laced with Harlequin Orange Liqueur. 

Then the work started. Sunday morning was pretty relaxed but that ended soon after breakfast. It was time to work on the Jeep. My door has been locked into the closed position for a long time now. I've grown quite agile in getting into the driver seat from the passenger side. Also needing fixed was a lighting issue. After getting the door taken apart (Jeeps are awesome in their simplicity), we still couldn't figure out why it wouldn't release. So, the other door was also taken apart for comparison. Still no luck. I was a little nervous that I'd have to replace the whole mechanism or something in order to have a working door. Here is what it looks like -

After a bit of time I thought of something to try and it worked! I figured it out! And now my door is in working order and will even lock.

The lighting issue was a little more involved. Kevin had me go through a series of actions while he took lots of notes. Engine off, headlights on, left turn signal on; engine off, headlights on, right turn signal on; apply brakes, release brakes... the list goes on. This didn't seem like it was going to be an easy fix to me and I was a bit nervous on the extent of work that might be involved. After all, this is a '93 so it's not even remotely new. Wires get brittle with time, there could be a short somewhere, there could be a broken wire... I know it's no fun tracing wires in a vehicle.After some time of more thinking, we tried an idea and that worked, too! After nearly 5 hours of work and less than $3, the Jeep is now in better shape. 

Oh! Now the center console is attached, too! No more slipping to the back.

Today I'm more sore than I was on Saturday after the running. I think it's because I wouldn't let Kevin help me lift the door off the body. I know I probably should have, but I am the kind of woman who feels pretty damn proud of being able to handle things like that without help. The pain today is just an indicator that I should strengthen my body a bit more.

On that note I will leave you all with a blessings:

May you all have the strength and courage to face your trials with grace and dignity. May you all know the feeling of pride in your accomplishments.

Namasté.

Fiery weekend

This weekend was full of firsts for me. I hadn't started out with that intention, but it happened that way on its own.

One stemmed from a joke about not eating something you don't know. Well, I had to look it up to see what it was and I was surprised and thrilled to discover that I just might enjoy Crepes Suzette. Kevin bravely let me use his kitchen (I say bravely because I've caught several things on fire by accident) for this dessert and even handed me the lighter. I will admit that I didn't get it to light the first time. I was pretty disappointed, but we heated up a little more of the liqueur and tried again. That time I was the camera person. When the flames caught I was startled (yes, I know I shouldn't have been) so the picture is a little off.

It was yummy! And, as we were tasting and savoring this wonderful bit of sweetness, ideas began flowing for altering the recipe. Pineapple juice, peach brandy, lady fingers... ah, the cooking muse awoke. When I get the flames right I just might throw a party or something.

There was a really cool storm that rolled through and I got my first shot of lightning!I was standing inside the doorway with the camera ready and waiting. Every time before I was too slow or too fast and caught just the bright sky, missing the actual bolts. This time I got it! I'm pretty thrilled by this and am looking forward to trying it again. Come on, weather, send me another storm!

I know, I know, there are a lot of pictures of lightning out there in the internet and other places, but I have been trying for a long time. Lately I've been playing with various settings on my camera as well and I'm looking forward to getting better at taking pictures. Next on my list is to try long exposure. This little camera has it and I'm hoping to have an evening of sitting outdoors, and playing around with it. Luckily, the summer won't last much longer and I can try this without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and such.

-

When I go places special I collect a rock. Not always since I don't find one that is just right all the time. But I have two rocks that are special since they remind me of a great time. One was from a camping trip with my kids. We went to a place called Blue Rock in Ohio and we had a wonderfully relaxing and fun weekend. There was a rock at our site that was perfect for holding stuff and it called to me. It's been sitting here with me for a few years and I finally decided that it was time.

 

Tada! Now I have a candle holder. After finishing the one abaove I set to work on the rock that means even more to me. That one had a lot more quartz in it (both were sandstone) and was a lot more challenging to get through, and at one point I needed a little help.

The second rock reminds me of a special beginning. When the sun was warm and the future was full of sunshine and possibilities. It reminds me that, even in the times of rain and darkness, endurance and faith will get you through to the sunshine again. I'm not going to write much more about that one other than to say that it was placed on my altar and I smile every time I see it.

This weekend had me thinking of various times in my life. When a friendship was still new, when I still believed in fairy tale endings, when I was oblivious to the hurts that come with living, when my mom was still alive, when my children were still little, when... so many things. With those thoughts it occurred to me that I still have so much to do and so many dreams to reach for. I hope I always remember to live with the vitality and vivaciousness I felt this weekend.

Namasté.

New starts

It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, don't worry, the world is still turning and some great things have been happening in most areas of my life.

There are new business ideas bouncing around my head, new fitness goals running through my legs, new creative projects springing up in my fingertips, and so much more.

My picture today is the top of a pineapple that I had the pleasure of enjoying this weekend. I had the idea that I could try growing my own. I did try this once before, without success, but this time might be a lot better. What you see is a jar of air. From all that I've read, the base is supposed to dry out, then you root it in water. I'll be adding just a touch of rooting hormone to the water to help the roots along, then, when it reaches the right rootedness, I'll put it in a pretty pot. My hope is that it will produce fruit in about 3 years.

The summer schedule is underway and the days now begin at 4:30. This is when there is the most peace of the day, I think. It will be a little challenging balancing out the two work schedules along with my personal schedule. The work can overlap a lot (and does, of course) since neither job requires my full attention at all times. The personal schedule is a little more snug since I have a deadline and I have to shift it day to day around work. Still, I'm determined.

In the meantime, the house is quiet and I have more projects to start.

May you all have a blessed day.

the only constant...

This has been a very strange week of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows, fears and discoveries.

The fears could be laughable in someone else's eyes, but they are there just the same. It was only this morning that I realized why some of the fears are overwhelming at times. "I expect the bad experiences from my past to be repeated because I am the only constant," she said. I sat a little while and absorbed that thought. Then I thought some more about why that resonated so strongly within me. And, it's because it is true.

It’s hard letting go of the past hurts because I’m the only one that went through them all. Three dads who walked away, an abusive mother, a husband who turned to drugs, a boyfriend who did the same, another who walked away from the relationship… it makes a person think that they are the one who isn’t right. It pushes the awesomeness aside and points to all the flaws in your own Being. It causes some part of us to believe that we deserve the self-hate and the hurt. I can logically tell myself that I don’t deserve it, but unless it manifests in my heart, it will be harder to live hate-free. And Fear-free. Yes, even now there are fears I have that sometimes try to take over the wonderful person that I am. Those fears tell me that I'm not deserving of this person's friendship or that person's love or this person's Truth.

And, I feel despair at times. There are so few people who I have shared those moments with. In fact, I could probably name them on my mother's right hand and still have some fingers left over (her forefinger was amputated). And in that very precious few, only one knows most of the fears and negativity (no one knows them all) and still loves me and hasn't walked away.

So... what to do about this? Try a little harder to believe in the fact that I am a good person. Try to believe more in the fact that others see something wonderful in me. Try a little harder to let go of the hurts caused by someone else. And, mostly, try a lot harder to keep believing in Me.

I am choosing to celebrate the  wonderful aspects of my Life.