Still alive?

Yes, apparently, I am. After dealing with a bout of bacterial pneumonia and learning to listen to my body's limitations while healing, I'm now able to take a deeper breath without coughing. Not as deep as I normally do, but so much better than the shallow breathing I've had to do for over a week & a half.

I've been thinking so much lately! During the hours that I have been awake (yes, I learned that naps are necessary to healing), I have been thinking about this blog (and my others), the story I want to write for my Dad, my journal, and some of my other stories. There are many ideas rumbling in my mind and I feel a need to get them out, onto paper or the computer.

I won't be starting this blog back up today, but there is a wonderful post in the making and I'll share it with you all as soon as I have focused long enough to get it out here.

I hope you are all doing well!

Collecting moments

I've had days, lately, when I've felt like letting go, giving up, and retreating from life for a while. But what good would that do me? None at all. And so, I keep going. Perhaps this is part of being On Fire, too... small embers that are hidden in the ashes, just warm enough to relight the flames with just a bit of fresh air.

I've been writing a lot lately. Some of it is good stuff, some of it is just my hurts and concerns. Some will be burned in a small fire, some will be shared with the appropriate people, some will be buried in the yard. All of this is a way to help me get things sorted out and determine how to set my sails.

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I've had this orchid for a couple years. Its flowers fell off long ago and it didn't put out another spike until recently. I had decided to mount it onto a piece of wood and hang it on the wall and in the process I noticed that there was a tiny spike with some nubby sections. I was so very excited and a little nervous that I'd messed it up from yanking it from the pot (the roots had attached themselves). Today it seems like a pretty happy plant.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this all turns out.

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There are days when all seems to go right, and days when all seems to go wrong. But in each of those situations there are moments to hold onto. Anthony's smile when I opened the door, Brianna's laughter during a movie she didn't really care to watch, Kevin wrapping a warm blanket around me when I wasn't feeling good. These are all such small things, but have such an impact on my heart. When I think about these things I know that my life really is blessed. Each hard time is just a little sorrow in the grand scheme of things. Each smile is a ray of light helping me along.

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This weekend was a little crazy, but all in all it was pretty good. I have a couple new ideas to implement for the business, a couple dreams to put on the shelf, a couple fires to light, and I'm looking forward to getting a few things cleared away so I can hang the new calendar with a fresh start. Some of this will be very easy, some will be quite a challenge... all of it is Life.

Possibilities

The last two weeks haven't been the best. Certainly not the worst, but definitely not the best. Between stress with personal matters, worries about finances, health issues and so many other things that tried to drag me down, I found myself in need of some spiritual healing.

I took time to write out my thoughts, all the things I was angry about, all the things that hurt me, and all the things I felt were missing in my life. While I was writing them all out, I thought about how I felt about the way my life was heading. Changes need to be made. Plain, simple, truthful. I will not allow myself to sit in this space any longer.

What will I do? Well, I already started it. After writing all the negative stuff out on paper, I showered and spent some time sitting outside in the sun. I could feel the warmth easing some of the muscle tension and energizing my soul. When the moment felt right, I took fresh sheets of paper and began writing again. This time I wrote of the things I wanted to attract into my life. Thing that I knew I deserved, that I knew were achievable. I didn't write of material things (although getting the bills paid every month is certainly something I'd like to attract), instead I wrote of dreams I once cherished, goals I'd laid aside, hopes I'd once harboured in my heart. These things, that I'd forgotten, came to life under my fingers.

I still have some decisions to make, but I have faith, now, that I can make them with an open heart.

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember...

Today is Tuesday, May 1, 2012CE. I left home 23 years ago and never went back. It was rough going and I was terrified that night, but I'd made the choice to leave, to set out on my own and do the best I could. There were moments when I was sure I was going to fail. Moments when I was so certain I'd have to crawl back with my head hung in shame. Instead, I thrived and grew and learned to support myself and slowly, so very slowly, I became strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, to become the woman I am, and am becoming.

I thought about writing a little about why I left home so early and what transpired before I took flight, but it doesn't all matter now. Now is more than two decades later. Does my past influence my present? Of course, but it's not important right now to dredge up some of those memories. There were a lot of good ones, and I might write of those someday. There were a lot of bad ones, and I chose to learn from them so I can be a better person.

Wednesday - What a strange day this is. I heard a voice on the air when I stepped outside. No, I'm not joking or making it up. I heard a voice. It was a male voice telling me to stop worrying so much and that it would be alright.

Thursday - Once again I'm up long before the alarm sounds. The world feels hushed right now. Not the normal hush of a sleeping world, but one holding its breath, waiting for the hammer to fall. Such are my thoughts... I am choosing to release that for now and do something soothing... I think I'll knit some of the most challenging lace I've encountered so far.

Saturday - And so it comes to this. It was brought to my attention that I'd done something that hurt those most dear to me. It wasn't intentional, to be sure, but it was done, nonetheless. When I was told about it I was stunned that I could be that unthinking.

What could be so bad? I failed to tell them a very important part of me. I'm not going to get into the details, but there was a bit of information that I'd not shared with them. And it hurt them. True, the younger ones shrugged it off and said it was "okay", but I know they only did that so I didn't feel bad. I let them know that it wasn't okay and that I'd made a big mistake by not thinking about it, by not even comprehending that I'd done this. As for the older one? The one I've chosen to be with through all kinds of crap and awesomeness? He told me that he knew it wasn't done out of maliciousness and hugged me.

I think of myself as a good person, one who thinks about others, one who does her best to make sure her loved ones have what they need... and yet, I am not perfect. I know that I cause hurt to the ones I love most.

Still, the ones I'd hurt forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. For that I am ever grateful. They hold me in high regard and I hope to not let them down... or, at least, do the best that I can.

Monday - The rain is moving in and I'm wishing to be somewhere else... and yet, there is a new shipment of yarn calling to me... new colors, new yarn bases, new ideas and hopes. Writing, too, that must be done. Stories that must be told and shared with those who don't know, those who missed it all. Papers to file, records to be updated...

I'm a little more at peace this morning than I've been for the whole week. Communication is vital to Life. It is more vital than food, sometimes. Love is vital to Life. Without it, we are walking around empty. Faith is vital to Life. Faith in our loved ones, in ourselves, in our Creator, in the knowledge that it will be alright.

Fire is vital to Life. Fire to create, to see beauty in all that surrounds us, to appreciate the best of moments. Fire to dream, to aspire, to achieve. Fire to be passionate about life. Fire to Love.

May you all have a day filled with Fire.

Homecoming...

Each day I feel myself growing stronger and more comfortable with the power that I once took for granted. Yes, power. Many people will not understand what I'm talking about and I won't go into detail here, but I can feel the strength of it returning. In my muscles, in my breath, in my dreams, in my will. Why did I let it go so many years ago? For reasons that no longer make sense. For reasons I look at now and shake my head about.

I don't feel a need to write each day in here, partly because I'm doing so much other writing. I'm keeping two journals lately, one that I will burn when the time is right and one that will stay with me through the years. The first one is filled with the anguish and anger I'm releasing. In it, I pour out words that would cut and scar the people I'm angry with. These are words that would be remembered for decades and would be so very hard to forgive. These are words that, I know, would make it impossible to remain friends, much less anything more than that. Am I a coward for not telling the people how I feel? Some might think so, but they didn't know me when the Rage took over and I cut loved ones left and right. I've grown past the point of letting the heat spill out and onto those around me, but I've learned that I am not so wise that I no longer feel that acrimony.

The anguish? That stems from the fear of things I can not control. It also comes from the feelings that there were people once who accepted me for all that I was. I miss them more than words can describe. Yes, I miss others who are no longer walking this earth, but they never came to accept me, even though I was of their blood. On my own journey, I'm learning to let go of the hurt. It's not an easy thing, letting go of a lifetime of exclusion. For the most part, the people I currently choose to have in my life have accepted me completely. There are still a few who only seem to accept me if I fit into who they think I am, and when I don't fit into their tiny box, there are conflicts. Those conflicts can cause pain, especially when I care for the person. Still, they need to know that I do not fit into their view of the world. Knowing that I would rather let them go, than to squeeze into that narrowness again is painful.

I know that the ones who mean the most to me do accept me. Well, mostly. I know my Dad is still trying, and I know his heart is wholly open to learning who I am. That means a lot. The others? My children? Kevin? My best friends? They see me in the Light and the Shadows and love me all the more.

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The day is getting closer to Anthony's arrival. I can write of it here simply because this won't even be published until after he's here. We're going to watch it at my place early Saturday morning. Yes, yes, I know it will most likely be a non-event and I probably won't even be able to tell which one is Anthony, but in my heart I will know that he's getting off that plane. I will know that one of those young men will be my son returning to the US. I can't even begin to tell you how special that is.

-

The house is quiet right now. Anthony left Afghanistan two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not worried, though. I know that he won't have access to the internet or anything else like that for a while.

There is an expectation hovering around me. I can feel it rising and falling with the hours. I am hoping that sleep will not be elusive. I don't feel tired, but I know that I need to rest. I think I'll read in bed for a while. And breathe.

-

So, I just got an email saying that Anthony is in Kyrgyszstan (that's the name on the map). That still is so far away! And he's supposed to arrive in the morning?! How is that possible?

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I was right about the non-event yesterday, but Anthony called around 9 in the morning and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice without the delay as the call was sent around the globe. I felt pretty good about not being overly emotional about it all throughout the day. There were texts from family sent to Anthony, postings on Ravelry and Facebook, emails, love sent out... The day was filled with love. I'm not sure how I would have handled it all if I'd been alone. Having someone here to help me stay grounded probably did more to settle my emotions than anything else.

Tonight I'm ready to fall asleep long before I should be. Today was relaxing and quiet. The only real work was moving a bed. I did send a text to April & Kam for their half- and full-marathons and part of me wishes I could have been there to cheer them on, but I think they knew that I was thinking about them both. The rest of the day was just... mellow. And yet, I feel a need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Maybe it is just the relief of knowing that Anthony is finally back. Maybe it is just the release of that tension that has been with me since August. I hope that's all it is.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful Monday.

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I found out that Anthony won't be home until the end of the month. Ugh. Still, I am happy that so many things were taken care of in such a short time.

Today I spent a portion of my time trying out new colors in the kitchen. Pacasha & I are already planning this month's PS... color and I can't wait to get started on it. I'll be dyeing them tomorrow and hopefully getting them completely ready to go before Friday. In the meantime, I'm also dyeing extra skeins for the Tour-de-Sock. Will this be an annual event? Perhaps. I am looking forward to seeing everyone's new socks this year. I'm also working on extra skeins for the SAFF. I know that's still a long way off, but I'd rather start now instead of rushing later.

Tomorrow I'll be making a new batch of laundry soap. Yes, I do that. I like doing things like that for myself. I know it's so much easier picking up a bottle at the store, but I never claimed to do things the easy way. I'm looking forward to the day when I will have hens again, too. They made me laugh and I miss watching them run across the yard with their waddle, while trying to keep hold of the worm or small snake they'd found before the others could snatch it away.

I remind myself that it will be just a little more time.

Dragons

Last Monday began the year of the dragon. Interestingly enough, it's also supposed to be a water dragon this year. What does that mean? From what I have read (which isn't very much) it means a year of clearer perspective. A year to be gentle with your Self. And know when to let go of things.

This week, I've been practicing that. Not always successfully, but I've been trying.

There are things in my life that cause me a great deal of stress. Having to deal with the new state rules about the daycare, going without a paycheck for a long while (not as long as someone unemployed, of course, but a long time, regardless), dealing with people who bring me only stress... the list goes on. I am choosing to let so much of that go. The daycare I still need, but I am focusing on the Alina Shea Creations so I can let the daycare go. The paycheck finally arrived and it seems the new system is starting to run smoothly. The people are not going to be an active part of my life, and I will not allow their energy to cause me irritation anymore. The other things? Small.

Instead, I am going to remember how much joy there is in my life. I have good friends, I have amazing best friends, I have my children, Kevin, my good health, my creativity, my connection with Spirit. I have Life and Love. I have beauty and strength. I have a lot. That is my focus now.

I will not be posting the weekly "update each day" today, simply because I have spent more time this week journaling, meditating, and getting stronger. I am not going to allow my fears to get the better of me. I am reaching out to the ones I know can help me find my strength.

I will share an accomplishment this week, though. I made it to Rivendell on Friday. Yes, I biked 459 miles in the last 2 months. At that rate I will reach the end of my journey in 26 months. What a glorious way to spend 2  years!

Trying to smile more

Yes, it's been another one of those kinds of weeks. I haven't spent that much time on Ravelry, Facebook or any other areas online. It's not that I don't want to talk with my friends, I just don't want to subject them to some dreariness.

I've been struggling with some feelings of frustration and anger. I know I need to let them go, it's just not as easy as turning off a switch.

There are minor annoyances going on... the ceiling in the hallway is in need of repair (J took it down this weekend and might be able to repair it next weekend), the Jeep's battery cables are corroded (Kevin replaced one and cleaned the heck out of the other, which will have to do until we can get the right part for it), and there are a couple others that won't be posted publicly.

There are really good things, too: I've increased my biking time to an hour a day, the friendship that is tiny and new is still growing, knitting has been good, I had loads of fun dyeing the PS... yarn this month and am looking forward to dyeing the club yarn, I've got my papers lined up for the business stuff, and I've been journaling a lot more.

Next week will be a better update, simply because I'm going to push myself out of this feeling and stop letting the season get to me.

Endings

Tuesday: I entered my own choice of number for the extra skeins in the club yarn. Normally I don't do this. After all, I'm the dyer, not the member. But, a few of the other women pointed out that I am a member and that if I really want an extra skein, I should put in a number. So, after checking the budget (fridge is full, bills are paid, gas in the vehicle) I put in for a skein. We'll see if my number comes up. What would I do with 2 skeins? Well, it's blue & sparkles and would make a lovely shawl.

Wednesday: According to the calendar today is the last day before Winter Solstice. How do I feel about this? I'm not sure. There have been so many days when I have spent hours in contemplation. What accomplishments come from that? A lot of self-learning. I'm still not sure how I feel about the end of the season (even though there has been precious little snow so far), but I do know that there are internal issues that I've worked through and feel better about letting them go.

Thursday: I completed the last project for the "111 in 2011" group. I really surprised myself with this accomplishment since I wasn't really sure I could do it. I had a lot of fun looking over other people's projects and seeing my own adding up.

Friday: I let go of a concept today. The concept of size. You see, I was told a number for an ideal size for me. A healthy one, not a twig, not a "big girl", but a good size for the Woman I am striving to be. The best Me I can be. I was afraid to embrace that number simply because I wasn't sure if I'd still be desirable (yeah, silly, right?) or even sexy. After all, so many times we are told that "real women" have some meat on their bones, have curves, aren't afraid of being bigger. But (and I know I may be stepping on several toes here), I know women who are tiny in size and they are not less of a woman simply because they are skinny. For example, "T" is a tiny woman, she's got three kids with her husband, has worked hard to get ahead, is an awesome Mom, and has a wonderful personality. Another one, "M", is a tiny slip of a thing and has a heart of gold, is friendly and loves her friends. Another one, "K", is also thin and is a former Marine, runs marathons, loves her partner deeply, and is always ready to help someone out. Are these women less? No way! And so, I let go of that thought and began designing a sweater that will fit me in a few months and is going to fit me very well six months from now as well. Because a "real woman" isn't defined by how many curves she has, she's defined by the Life she puts into her life.

Saturday: The battle of the shower room is coming to a close. I have tried every non-toxic product I could find and still have been struggling with that icky black crap. Well, it is now just about gone. Yes, bleach is my weapon. I have finally admitted that the stuff that grows up here is significantly different than the stuff that grew in Phoenix. Perhaps scientists will say otherwise, but I've been fighting with this stuff for far too long to believe that it's the same species. I like the clear walls and the clean look to the shower now. I will remain vigilant, however.

Sunday: The last of the laundry is done and the clutter in my room has been eliminated. I'm letting go of the habit to leave things until the eleventh hour. There is so much of a difference in the energy that flows here when things are cleared away. I'm letting go of that thought that I don't have enough time to put stuff away. I'm also letting go of some thoughts for Alina Shea Creations. They were limiting thoughts. Ones that may lead to a dwindling of the business and that's not what I need. I need to be positive.

Monday: Ah, the holiday weekend is finally over. There are so many different emotions associated with this year. Sadness because 75% of the people I wanted to spend time with were not here, happiness at the 25% who were here, worry about Anthony, Love for my chosen family, sorrow for the people who are far from home, joy over the thought that was put into my Yule gifts, peace with the knowledge that things will be okay one way or another... and so many more. And now, the day draws to a close and I am looking forward to a sound slumber and waking with the Fire to begin a new week (even though it's Tuesday).

Yes, my life right now is on Fire in so many ways!

Busy...

Today is not going to be a normal post. I've been doing a lot of thinking, so this post will be about that.

There are times in your life when you're unsure about the way things are going to go and you can't help but worry about them. For example, most people who know me know that my son is in Afghanistan right now. They also know that I worry about him. On a daily basis, I'm reminded that there is no level of "comfort" with him being out there. Yes, he's in Data. No, he's not in the "front lines". But he keeps a loaded and ready gun with him at all times. He stands watch to make sure no one is coming toward the base without authorization. When he does leave the base to go to another one, there is a risk. And so, I worry. A lot.

Sometimes there is a good reason for staying on the edge of awareness. A good reason not to fall into that lull of security. But, most often for me, it starts to wear on the mind. What can you count on? What can you believe in? What can you look at and know that it is, and always will be, safe? Who can you turn to and know that they will never forsake you (hurt you, perhaps, but never break the Sacred Trust)?

I took a very hard look at my life and found answers. True, there are some things that I see as "surface safe" and wonder how they will end up, but there are areas in my life that I feel complete faith in. Does my faith falter for a moment? Of course, I am a human being. But, when I look clearly, that faith flares up even brighter.

I feel blessed to know that I have things that I can count on. My ability to control most of my health. My creativity. The determination to make ends meet. The strength I've gained over the years.

I feel blessed to know that I have things I can believe in. My ability to connect with Spirit. My love for my children. Their love for me. My love for Kevin. His love for me. My love and growing respect for my Dad. His complete love for me. My love for my friends. Their love for me.

I feel blessed to have someone in my life who will never forsake me. I will not elaborate on this, except to say that, even when the stumbles happen, they have never defeated us.

So, an unusual post for this blog, but this is what has been on my mind.

Rain of emotions

The week was full of emotional ups and downs that just seemed to get more and more exhausting as the week progressed. It was crazy.

I was able to spend time away from home this weekend (as I am able to many weekends) and found time to write in my journal. I have so many aspects of my own Self to explore. While I was writing, a lot of the hurt and confusion drained away. That helped my sanity more than anything. I'm now able to remain positive about the challenges I face. I'm able to let go a bit more of the pain I've been in. I'm even a little more sure of the future I face. Is everything completely filled with sunshine and roses? Of course not. Life isn't that way.

I feel better now about one of my friendships. I have no idea what path it will take or what distance the journey will be, but I can now believe that it's in our hands. We are working on it together and will do our best to hold each other up.

I also feel better about another relationship. Sometimes I see division and separation where there is none. A lot of that is caused by the fact that I don't give enough love to my own Self. When the continuance and connectivity is gently pointed out to me, I can step back and accept it again.

So, these were all the things accomplished this week (with a lot of help) that cannot be seen on the surface.

On the surface, there are a few other things that are new.

 

 

Also, the shopping for Sunday's dinner is completed. This was actually a pleasant outing, filled with a surprise dinner, laughter, friendship, fresh veggies, and Love. Yep, the shopping was not horrid this year.

I hope you are all able to enjoy the beauty in your lives. I hope you are also able to see the blessings you each have.