A week of thoughts...

This has been a fairly hectic and sometimes strained week. Writing has not been in the list of vital things to do, but that has brought a sense of incompleteness to my days. I've been so busy with a variety of other things that even my journal has been set aside. I'm hoping to get caught up and to stay focused.

Day seventeen: Mystery

I look around me at the changing season and can feel the desire rising to be more creative. I want to find something to express the ideas and passions in my soul. The twists and turns, the splashes of color, the beauty. Knitting has been my canvas for several years. Before that it was beadwork, and before that it was counted cross-stitch.

Why, when the natural rhythm of the planet is urging us to slow down and to rest, do I want to decorate the world with the visions in my head?

Day eighteen: Sorrow

I started this as a personal journey to look within and see what is there, guided by the prompts of a friend's own journey. When I saw this prompt I had to stop for a moment. I don't have a deep sorrow this year. Yes, I miss some of my loved ones and I do worry about some of them, but I've not lost anyone dear to me this year. My son is no longer in Afghanistan. My family is mostly intact and safe. Yet... I do feel the tears rise for others. For the children who won't get to see a parent this season, for the parents who are missing their children, and for those who lost a loved one and are looking at the festivities with a heavy heart.  I do wish I could hug them all and tell them that, though I can't know how they feel, my heart is going out to them.

Day nineteen: Suffering

Do most of us even know what suffering is? I have been so blessed in my own life that I am certain I can't fathom the depth of suffering others feel. Even so, when I see someone with pain in their eyes it breaks my heart a bit. When I hear about a parent losing a child, the tears flow freely. But that does nothing to ease the world's pain.

I've written and rewritten a few paragraphs for this day, yet none of them truly convey what I'm feeling. I can't really find the words. What I wished to do was to share something that would lighten someone's day. To ease the suffering they might be feeling. I feel inadequate.

-

I know that I still have a few days to catch up on, but they will have to come later.

Rising slowly...

Have you missed me?

I can't say that the last few months have been fabulous, but neither have they been horrible. I've been struggling with some hurts and decisions and the direction I want my life to be heading. This is never an easy task and one made even more difficult when there are other lives intertwined with mine. I have my children to think about. Granted, one is now an adult and can take care of himself and the other is nearly an adult and will soon be out on her own. But they are still considered with the decisions I make, especially the really big ones. I have others, too, but their part is too vast in this to even attempt the task of narrowing it down to mere words.

I had withdrawn into my deepest Self at the end of February. The reasons for that are my own and I've only shared them with one person. I may never share them with other people, but that could change over time. As everything can, and always does, change. During this time, I had been thinking about how I let other people affect me. I'd been contemplating prescription medication (yeah, really). I'd been trying to figure out what I should fight for and what I should let go of. In the middle of it all my spark of Light and Hope flickered to nearly nothing and I almost gave up everything. Don't get me wrong, I'd never end my life or anything like that, but there are other ways to give up. One is to give up that brilliance that we all have inside. To give that up means that you just go from day to day following the routine, smiling when it's appropriate, answering the questions people ask you, and never allowing the beauty of the world to really touch your soul. To me, that is a far deeper death than the cessation of bodily life.

During this time of sheltering my Self, there were only a few moments of emotional connection and they brought on such a rush of chaos or pain that I broke down and cried. Some of those times I didn't merely shed a few tears, I sobbed so fiercely that I thought I'd break in two. And, when the words I spoke were misunderstood or even ignored by those around me, I stepped back into my cave.

I read the various "words of wisdom" that were splashed in my books, across Facebook, and written in other places and I tried to figure out how they fit into my life. Fight for what you believe in. Let go of the struggle. Live your life to the fullest. Find gratitude in the life you have. Eliminate the toxic people from your life. Forgive those who cause you pain. Hold on. Let go. Smile. Cry. Be at peace. Let the rage wash over you. Don't give up. Accept your fate.Where is the enlightenment in the middle of so many conflicting messages? Which answers really fit the Life I want to give to myself? What choices do I make?

Part of me realized that there is a need for all of those bits of wisdom. During some parts of my life I will need to forgive the hurts and keep those people around, during others I will need to forgive and walk away without looking back. At some points I will need to smile and let joy shine through, at others I will need to cry and let the rage boil over. All of these are vital to a life lived to the best of my ability. I deserve nothing less than that.

I knew something had to change so I started working on some things that would help my future be a little more stable. Each day I worked on something that would benefit my life in some way or another. Some days it was making sure I meditated. Many days it was dyeing extra yarns. Once in a while it was letting myself just stare out the window at the birds in the back yard for a little while. Regardless of what it was that I did, I made sure it was done with reverence for the gift of Life that I had been given.

Yesterday a lot of those things coalesced into a fabulous day of celebrations. The money for my CCW permit, the filing of my business registration, the completion of one of my healer's certifications, the order placed for more shipping labels, the lunch with my son, the requirement met for the new team in Nerd Wars, and, perhaps most important, the support I felt from my loved ones and my friends.

Are there still pieces of my life that are in shambles? Yes, of course. But I have come to realize that it's not entirely up to me to rebuild what has been shattered. Some things that have been broken need repairs from other people, too. My job is to live my life with the integrity that I know I am capable of, with the bravery I know I have inside me, and with the dedication to what I believe in that I know I have the capacity for. (Hah! I just realized that the antonyms for those are honor, courage, and commitment... yes, I find that amusing, considering that the first 28 years of my life I thought bad things about the Marine Corps.)

And now? Now I am taking the time to breathe. And to Shine just a little bit until I feel stable again with all the emotions.

Espresso!

Yes, I now have a lovely machine to create espresso and cappuccino. It's from my Dad and I've been playing around with getting the froth right. I love the fact that my 1% milk can bring such a rich and creamy texture to my coffee each day. I just might stop buying half & half. You see, while I was in Asheville I had a couple chai lattes and have decided that I really like it a lot. I'll be using this little machine to enjoy that sweet drink (with stevia instead of sugar) right here at home.

I also got a new dress. This is something that I'd not planned to do for quite some time, but we had a wedding to attend on the 13th and I just didn't feel right wearing my Gypsyesque attire. And so, we went shopping and found something at the local Goodwill (I really do like that place). I wasn't really sure how it would look on me since the mirrors in the dressing rooms are inadequate and I had the opinion of a teen daughter who really didn't feel like shopping. After it was washed & dried, I put it back on and was told again that it looked pretty good on me.

The wedding was a lovely event. Outdoors, nice breeze, great temperatures. And! My friend Maha was the one officiating (she also does healing work). How cool is that? When we got to the reception I was quite impressed with the simple, yet elegant decor. Very Autumn-like with various squashes, pine cones, and apples. The food was Mediterranean and was delicious. I splurged a bit that day with the gyro bread and didn't feel guilty at all.

Afterward we enjoyed a quiet weekend with laughter, movies, and the great feeling of family.

Sunday morning I woke thinking about my Mom (it was her birthday) and how much more I miss her now than I did when I was only twenty-three. I hardly gave her a second thought for a few years after she passed away. I'd carried resentment for so many things and just figured it was better to leave her out of my thoughts than to get angry every time she crossed my mind. It wasn't until a month or so after my car accident that I began to think of her with any kind of appreciation. Brianna brought that about with her complete faith in her angel, who I am certain was my mother.

While on the phone with my Dad that night, though... I could hear in his voice the love he still has for her. Yes, even after all of these years. They've been apart for nearly four decades at this point. No, I'm not joking. I think I was four years old at the time she left him. And still, his voice cracks a little when he speaks of her.

I feel blessed to have come from a love like that.

the only constant...

This has been a very strange week of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows, fears and discoveries.

The fears could be laughable in someone else's eyes, but they are there just the same. It was only this morning that I realized why some of the fears are overwhelming at times. "I expect the bad experiences from my past to be repeated because I am the only constant," she said. I sat a little while and absorbed that thought. Then I thought some more about why that resonated so strongly within me. And, it's because it is true.

It’s hard letting go of the past hurts because I’m the only one that went through them all. Three dads who walked away, an abusive mother, a husband who turned to drugs, a boyfriend who did the same, another who walked away from the relationship… it makes a person think that they are the one who isn’t right. It pushes the awesomeness aside and points to all the flaws in your own Being. It causes some part of us to believe that we deserve the self-hate and the hurt. I can logically tell myself that I don’t deserve it, but unless it manifests in my heart, it will be harder to live hate-free. And Fear-free. Yes, even now there are fears I have that sometimes try to take over the wonderful person that I am. Those fears tell me that I'm not deserving of this person's friendship or that person's love or this person's Truth.

And, I feel despair at times. There are so few people who I have shared those moments with. In fact, I could probably name them on my mother's right hand and still have some fingers left over (her forefinger was amputated). And in that very precious few, only one knows most of the fears and negativity (no one knows them all) and still loves me and hasn't walked away.

So... what to do about this? Try a little harder to believe in the fact that I am a good person. Try to believe more in the fact that others see something wonderful in me. Try a little harder to let go of the hurts caused by someone else. And, mostly, try a lot harder to keep believing in Me.

I am choosing to celebrate the  wonderful aspects of my Life.

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember...

Today is Tuesday, May 1, 2012CE. I left home 23 years ago and never went back. It was rough going and I was terrified that night, but I'd made the choice to leave, to set out on my own and do the best I could. There were moments when I was sure I was going to fail. Moments when I was so certain I'd have to crawl back with my head hung in shame. Instead, I thrived and grew and learned to support myself and slowly, so very slowly, I became strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, to become the woman I am, and am becoming.

I thought about writing a little about why I left home so early and what transpired before I took flight, but it doesn't all matter now. Now is more than two decades later. Does my past influence my present? Of course, but it's not important right now to dredge up some of those memories. There were a lot of good ones, and I might write of those someday. There were a lot of bad ones, and I chose to learn from them so I can be a better person.

Wednesday - What a strange day this is. I heard a voice on the air when I stepped outside. No, I'm not joking or making it up. I heard a voice. It was a male voice telling me to stop worrying so much and that it would be alright.

Thursday - Once again I'm up long before the alarm sounds. The world feels hushed right now. Not the normal hush of a sleeping world, but one holding its breath, waiting for the hammer to fall. Such are my thoughts... I am choosing to release that for now and do something soothing... I think I'll knit some of the most challenging lace I've encountered so far.

Saturday - And so it comes to this. It was brought to my attention that I'd done something that hurt those most dear to me. It wasn't intentional, to be sure, but it was done, nonetheless. When I was told about it I was stunned that I could be that unthinking.

What could be so bad? I failed to tell them a very important part of me. I'm not going to get into the details, but there was a bit of information that I'd not shared with them. And it hurt them. True, the younger ones shrugged it off and said it was "okay", but I know they only did that so I didn't feel bad. I let them know that it wasn't okay and that I'd made a big mistake by not thinking about it, by not even comprehending that I'd done this. As for the older one? The one I've chosen to be with through all kinds of crap and awesomeness? He told me that he knew it wasn't done out of maliciousness and hugged me.

I think of myself as a good person, one who thinks about others, one who does her best to make sure her loved ones have what they need... and yet, I am not perfect. I know that I cause hurt to the ones I love most.

Still, the ones I'd hurt forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. For that I am ever grateful. They hold me in high regard and I hope to not let them down... or, at least, do the best that I can.

Monday - The rain is moving in and I'm wishing to be somewhere else... and yet, there is a new shipment of yarn calling to me... new colors, new yarn bases, new ideas and hopes. Writing, too, that must be done. Stories that must be told and shared with those who don't know, those who missed it all. Papers to file, records to be updated...

I'm a little more at peace this morning than I've been for the whole week. Communication is vital to Life. It is more vital than food, sometimes. Love is vital to Life. Without it, we are walking around empty. Faith is vital to Life. Faith in our loved ones, in ourselves, in our Creator, in the knowledge that it will be alright.

Fire is vital to Life. Fire to create, to see beauty in all that surrounds us, to appreciate the best of moments. Fire to dream, to aspire, to achieve. Fire to be passionate about life. Fire to Love.

May you all have a day filled with Fire.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.

Homecoming...

Each day I feel myself growing stronger and more comfortable with the power that I once took for granted. Yes, power. Many people will not understand what I'm talking about and I won't go into detail here, but I can feel the strength of it returning. In my muscles, in my breath, in my dreams, in my will. Why did I let it go so many years ago? For reasons that no longer make sense. For reasons I look at now and shake my head about.

I don't feel a need to write each day in here, partly because I'm doing so much other writing. I'm keeping two journals lately, one that I will burn when the time is right and one that will stay with me through the years. The first one is filled with the anguish and anger I'm releasing. In it, I pour out words that would cut and scar the people I'm angry with. These are words that would be remembered for decades and would be so very hard to forgive. These are words that, I know, would make it impossible to remain friends, much less anything more than that. Am I a coward for not telling the people how I feel? Some might think so, but they didn't know me when the Rage took over and I cut loved ones left and right. I've grown past the point of letting the heat spill out and onto those around me, but I've learned that I am not so wise that I no longer feel that acrimony.

The anguish? That stems from the fear of things I can not control. It also comes from the feelings that there were people once who accepted me for all that I was. I miss them more than words can describe. Yes, I miss others who are no longer walking this earth, but they never came to accept me, even though I was of their blood. On my own journey, I'm learning to let go of the hurt. It's not an easy thing, letting go of a lifetime of exclusion. For the most part, the people I currently choose to have in my life have accepted me completely. There are still a few who only seem to accept me if I fit into who they think I am, and when I don't fit into their tiny box, there are conflicts. Those conflicts can cause pain, especially when I care for the person. Still, they need to know that I do not fit into their view of the world. Knowing that I would rather let them go, than to squeeze into that narrowness again is painful.

I know that the ones who mean the most to me do accept me. Well, mostly. I know my Dad is still trying, and I know his heart is wholly open to learning who I am. That means a lot. The others? My children? Kevin? My best friends? They see me in the Light and the Shadows and love me all the more.

-

The day is getting closer to Anthony's arrival. I can write of it here simply because this won't even be published until after he's here. We're going to watch it at my place early Saturday morning. Yes, yes, I know it will most likely be a non-event and I probably won't even be able to tell which one is Anthony, but in my heart I will know that he's getting off that plane. I will know that one of those young men will be my son returning to the US. I can't even begin to tell you how special that is.

-

The house is quiet right now. Anthony left Afghanistan two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not worried, though. I know that he won't have access to the internet or anything else like that for a while.

There is an expectation hovering around me. I can feel it rising and falling with the hours. I am hoping that sleep will not be elusive. I don't feel tired, but I know that I need to rest. I think I'll read in bed for a while. And breathe.

-

So, I just got an email saying that Anthony is in Kyrgyszstan (that's the name on the map). That still is so far away! And he's supposed to arrive in the morning?! How is that possible?

-

I was right about the non-event yesterday, but Anthony called around 9 in the morning and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice without the delay as the call was sent around the globe. I felt pretty good about not being overly emotional about it all throughout the day. There were texts from family sent to Anthony, postings on Ravelry and Facebook, emails, love sent out... The day was filled with love. I'm not sure how I would have handled it all if I'd been alone. Having someone here to help me stay grounded probably did more to settle my emotions than anything else.

Tonight I'm ready to fall asleep long before I should be. Today was relaxing and quiet. The only real work was moving a bed. I did send a text to April & Kam for their half- and full-marathons and part of me wishes I could have been there to cheer them on, but I think they knew that I was thinking about them both. The rest of the day was just... mellow. And yet, I feel a need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Maybe it is just the relief of knowing that Anthony is finally back. Maybe it is just the release of that tension that has been with me since August. I hope that's all it is.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful Monday.

-

I found out that Anthony won't be home until the end of the month. Ugh. Still, I am happy that so many things were taken care of in such a short time.

Today I spent a portion of my time trying out new colors in the kitchen. Pacasha & I are already planning this month's PS... color and I can't wait to get started on it. I'll be dyeing them tomorrow and hopefully getting them completely ready to go before Friday. In the meantime, I'm also dyeing extra skeins for the Tour-de-Sock. Will this be an annual event? Perhaps. I am looking forward to seeing everyone's new socks this year. I'm also working on extra skeins for the SAFF. I know that's still a long way off, but I'd rather start now instead of rushing later.

Tomorrow I'll be making a new batch of laundry soap. Yes, I do that. I like doing things like that for myself. I know it's so much easier picking up a bottle at the store, but I never claimed to do things the easy way. I'm looking forward to the day when I will have hens again, too. They made me laugh and I miss watching them run across the yard with their waddle, while trying to keep hold of the worm or small snake they'd found before the others could snatch it away.

I remind myself that it will be just a little more time.

Roller-coaster

Tuesday - With Brianna's help, I pulled all the old tarp off the shed. I'll be letting it dry out before putting new ones on. Yuck, what a gross job... and I was on  a ladder. Ugh. The funny thing is that I'm only a little nervous getting up on the roof and working up there. I am scared to death about coming back down.

Wednesday - We got snow! It wasn't a lot and it melted away in the sunny parts of the yard nearly as soon as the sun touched it, but it was still pretty cool. I'm both looking forward to, and dreading the winter.

Thursday - I finished up most of the holiday cared and they will go out tomorrow. This yearn I'm sending them to so many people! I don't know if I can do that every year, but it would be kind of nice. I also took time to clean out my wallet and a couple other areas of the house. There is still so much to do, but I am looking at it all, one day at a time.

Friday - I updated the shop with several gradient colors today. I love how they look, even though they take so much longer than the others.

Saturday - Sleep was elusive. Kevin walked me through fixing the light in the utility room. I am so glad he let me do the work. There were some parts he did, but it wasn't because I couldn't have, more because it was really messy. He then took us out for dinner & shopping. Well, it was more Brianna's shopping than anything. She didn't want me in the store when she got my gift, but insisted that he be there. Odd. Anyway, that is the last of our holiday shopping.

Sunday - What a wonderful feeling! I can't even describe it well, so I won't try.

Monday - This day has been so filled with emotional ups & downs. I woke with a feeling of hope for the day, then found out that what I'd been looking forward to wasn't going to happen right now. Then I was thrilled at bicycling more than 10 miles through Middle Earth. After that, I was blasted with a wave of jealousy that I didn't think was possible. Then guilt, because it was directed at the families whose military members were arriving from Iraq. The tears that came with that were uncontrollable and I actually had to just let them fall. Afterward I felt drained and wished for... well, what I couldn't have at the moment. I've come to grips with it, with the help from several friends. I am only human. I also finished a few house projects which helped a little, too. Now, at the end of this day, I am trying to stay hopeful for the future and easy on myself. Even when the negative emotions flare up.