A tiny flame...

 The last couple of weeks have been an adjustment for me. Old habits are beginning to fade away and I can feel my thought patterns shifting with each day. My sleeping habits are changing as well and most mornings I wake feeling much more refreshed than I used to. As I continue moving forward I can feel my own strength growing in increments, that tiny flame is still only a pinpoint in the darkness, but it is just a bit brighter each day.

Imagine, if you will, trying to start a fire in a cave with only a spark, just a tiny ember. Your life depends on this fire. You don't blow on it, instead you only whisper a bit of air over it. You feed it blades of withered grass until it's strong enough to have a few pine needles. The flame that finally arises is smaller than the ones on your birthday candles, and so fragile. You know that if you dump a bunch of leaves onto it you'll smother the last of the warmth and it will die. And so you're carefully tending it, putting all of your heart into it. Soon you're able to add bits of wood as thin as a pencil, then as big around as your thumb. With each addition you are careful to add only what your small fire can handle. You don't feel relief just yet, but you feel a strong hope that the fire will live, even though a gust of wind could extinguish it completely. Your focus is solely on the flames in front of you because you know that your survival depends on it. After a while you can add branches as thick as your wrist and you know that you can bring the larger ones closer so that they begin to heat up without being right in the fire. It takes patience and time but, once you're able to add the thick branches, you know that the heavy logs around the perimeter will soon be burning and you will have a fire that will not only keep you alive, but will be strong enough to keep your cave warm enough to thrive. You'll still need to tend it each day but you know that you can count on it being there.

This is a little bit about how I feel right now. My tiny spark is growing and is now strong enough for the pine needles. As long as I stay focused on it (my Spiritual health), I know that I'll have a bonfire before long and I'll be able to dance around it in celebration of my Life.

In the meantime, I've created new routines and am learning new habits. The kind of habits that will keep me alive through all that I have planned for my life.

May you all have that flame in your hearts and may it be strong and sure.

Day six: Stand Still...

January 22, 2008ce

I read this morning's prompt and drew a blank for what to write. But that's part of the daily challenge, isn't it? To expand your thoughts a bit?

As I went about my day I realized just how far I was from being fully recovered. The tiredness set in pretty early in the day and followed me throughout. But I looked at it as a lesson and not as something to bang my head against. And I reminded myself to be patient.


I'm also thinking about my children tonight. How they have grown into the individual beings that they are and how their lives might be one day. This morning I spoke with a friend and shared the joy and pride I feel for them both. This evening I did the same with another friend. Perhaps it is the passing of time that is causing my thoughts to center on my kids. Perhaps it's the wish that it wasn't passing so swiftly while wishing it would pass a little faster.

Today, I'm going to remember that it's best to just stand still and enjoy each moment as they come. In that silence I will also remember that the moments I have to myself are going to be where I let go of their child-ness as they step into the world of adulthood.

Still alive?

Yes, apparently, I am. After dealing with a bout of bacterial pneumonia and learning to listen to my body's limitations while healing, I'm now able to take a deeper breath without coughing. Not as deep as I normally do, but so much better than the shallow breathing I've had to do for over a week & a half.

I've been thinking so much lately! During the hours that I have been awake (yes, I learned that naps are necessary to healing), I have been thinking about this blog (and my others), the story I want to write for my Dad, my journal, and some of my other stories. There are many ideas rumbling in my mind and I feel a need to get them out, onto paper or the computer.

I won't be starting this blog back up today, but there is a wonderful post in the making and I'll share it with you all as soon as I have focused long enough to get it out here.

I hope you are all doing well!

It's been a while...

There have been many things going on lately, but few of them are anything I wanted to put into words. It just seemed that they would be too real, I think.

I updated my blood tests a couple weeks ago and all the numbers were much, much better. The only concern was an occasional bit of tachycardia. The doctor recommended an EKG, then an echo-cardiogram. Both turned out to be very normal in just about every way. My doctor was very impressed with the changes in my eating habits, my exercising, my weight loss, and so much more. I think the most important part of it all was the pride I had in myself for the times I dkept going, for when I chose not to give up.

Winter has been a strange one. Temperatures ranging from the lower 60s one day and lower 20s the next. It's been an interesting challenge to know how to dress when we head out the door. I am happy for it all, though. The coldest days give me the incentive to stay indoors and think about my life while I work. The warmer days draw me outdoors and give me the relief I need from the greyness. On the most dark of days I will light candles and turn up the music. On the sunny days I smile at the crystal-produced rainbows scattered on my walls. Through it all, I hold the hope of Spring's return.

There is more that I'd like to write, but I waited too long and the night is upon me, telling me that it's time to lay down and dream for a while.

Collecting moments

I've had days, lately, when I've felt like letting go, giving up, and retreating from life for a while. But what good would that do me? None at all. And so, I keep going. Perhaps this is part of being On Fire, too... small embers that are hidden in the ashes, just warm enough to relight the flames with just a bit of fresh air.

I've been writing a lot lately. Some of it is good stuff, some of it is just my hurts and concerns. Some will be burned in a small fire, some will be shared with the appropriate people, some will be buried in the yard. All of this is a way to help me get things sorted out and determine how to set my sails.

-

I've had this orchid for a couple years. Its flowers fell off long ago and it didn't put out another spike until recently. I had decided to mount it onto a piece of wood and hang it on the wall and in the process I noticed that there was a tiny spike with some nubby sections. I was so very excited and a little nervous that I'd messed it up from yanking it from the pot (the roots had attached themselves). Today it seems like a pretty happy plant.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this all turns out.

-


There are days when all seems to go right, and days when all seems to go wrong. But in each of those situations there are moments to hold onto. Anthony's smile when I opened the door, Brianna's laughter during a movie she didn't really care to watch, Kevin wrapping a warm blanket around me when I wasn't feeling good. These are all such small things, but have such an impact on my heart. When I think about these things I know that my life really is blessed. Each hard time is just a little sorrow in the grand scheme of things. Each smile is a ray of light helping me along.

-

This weekend was a little crazy, but all in all it was pretty good. I have a couple new ideas to implement for the business, a couple dreams to put on the shelf, a couple fires to light, and I'm looking forward to getting a few things cleared away so I can hang the new calendar with a fresh start. Some of this will be very easy, some will be quite a challenge... all of it is Life.

Indian Summer

Do you know what the term "Indian Summer" means? It's a period of unseasonably warm (and dry) weather that comes after a killing frost. We had the frost and now we are having warm weather, albeit a little wet.

Did you also know that it means a period of happiness or success late in life? I didn't, but it makes a lot of sense. I'm still mulling that one over, but I like it a lot. How much frost and cold and death do we experience as we get older? The day to day struggle, the sorrow of our children growing up and leaving home, the loss of loved ones and friends. In the middle of it all we are also blessed with finding new ways to be successful, the joy and pride of seeing our children making it on their own, and welcoming new lives and friends.

This past week has been a lot of struggle for me. It's not often that I feel maudlin about my mother's passing, but this last week I did. There are things going on in my life that I'd like to tell her about. Successes, lessons learned, the beauty and love that I feel for my own children, the pride I have in myself for not being a charity case... and so much more.

Often I am enjoying new adventures and I feel so much amazement at most of them. This weekend? Well, I used the winch on the Jeep to help bring down a tree, but the best part of the day was climbing the side of a very steep hill with Brianna. It was a little scary at many points simply because the ground was still waterlogged, there was a thick layer of damp leaves over loads of acorns, and neither of us were wearing proper shoes. But when we reached the top, it felt amazing to know that we did it with no major injuries. And the memory of the look on Brianna's face was something I will carry with me for the rest of my years as a wonderful blessing.

I've been pushing myself in other ways, too. The exercising, for example. I ramped up to an hour each day (split into 30 minute sessions) and on Friday I reached Lothlorien with a total of 921.6 Miles. I was so excited by that milestone! I know I still have many more to go, but I am looking forward to continuing this journey.

At the end of this day, I am looking forward to falling asleep and hoping that the people I love will wake tomorrow with a smile in their hearts and a liveliness to their steps.

Namasté.

What an adventure!

These last two weeks have been filled with so many new things!

On the 13th I boarded a plane to Asheville, NC. This was the first flight I actually chose to take. The others were forced upon me due to moving (flying from Washington to Phoenix when I was 10) or necessity (a deposition when I was 30) and I was miserable the whole time I was on those flights. This one, however, was more filled with the excitement of what was to come and the lovely surprise planned for April. Everything went so smoothly, too. The security check was a breeze, the flight had no mishaps, there was a shuttle waiting to take me to the other gate for the connecting flight, and the weather was lovely.

On the 15th I ran/walked in the Asheville 5k. After the first burst of energy, I only ran downhill and walked uphill. There were a lot of hills!!! I was sure I'd end up taking a whole hour on that route, but I made it across the finish line in just over 44 minutes. I was mostly happy with that time. That afternoon Kam & April had a party and we all celebrated the run. (Kam & April ran the half marathon!) Good food, Patrón Cafe, laughter, and friendship... what a wonderful way to celebrate Life!

After that, there was a combination of new foods (my first Indian food), workouts, knitting, and a drive to Mount Mitchell. The whole set of pictures is here and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every moment of the trip. Even the workouts. I woke each morning at my normal times (5:30-ish) and stepped outside to greet the day. Each morning Moon Kitty would walk out there with me and sit by my feet while I breathed in the fresh morning air. Each evening I would fall asleep with a smile on my face. And through every moment I felt true gratitude that I was alive and able to see the beauty in everything around me.

And now I am home and thinking about all the stuff I want to do before the end of the year. Clearing out the house, getting even more healthy, working on my businesses of choice, and so much more. The cooler weather is setting in and it's time to begin looking inside for reflection. I have people in this world, near and far, who fully support me in all that I do. I have strength of heart and body to carry me through the tough times. I have creativity and passion to fuel my Life on Fire.

I am truly blessed.

Changes on the horizon

There are so many changes coming up in my life and I'm not even sure where to start. Most of them scare the crap out of me, but more and more I am seeing the wondrous possibilities in these changes. The opportunity for growth and stronger connections. The potential for a deeper relationship with those I love. And, the promise of a better feeling of Self.

One of these changes is my thought on running. A dear friend has been running for a little while now and I've cheered her on with the knowledge that I'd never do that, but I was so happy for her. But then she started talking about running through the woods and how wonderful that was. It sounded nice but I still didn't see myself doing that. Then the dreams started. Good ones this time, of me running through the woods. Of me feeling a deep, spiritual connectedness to the Earth around me. After a few of these dreams I knew that I had to at least try. And so, I started the Couch to 5k (C25K) program. At first I wasn't even able to keep up with that first week schedule. That's a bit sad, but it's true. But I kept going and on Saturday I walked/ran in my first 5k. I told almost no one. April knew since she's the one who helped me through a lot of it. Brianna knew because she lives with me and it's kind of hard to hide the fact that I'm not walking on the treadmill. I didn't tell my Ravelry folks until Sunday (the 24th). By then I was sure the most important people knew about it (turns out to not be the case, but I didn't know that), so I felt okay with telling my group. One of my club members decided to come and cheer me on and that was really cool. I didn't tell anyone on Facebook until after the event and Brianna actually told everyone before I did.

And now? Now I would like to be outside, getting my body more used to running. Now I'm looking forward to being able run the entire distance instead of walking part of it. Do I see myself running outside in this town? Nope, it still doesn't appeal to me. For now I have a great imagination and a treadmill and that will have to do until I'm in a better place.

Another change isn't mine to tell yet, but it will affect my life significantly. In many good ways and a couple of not-so-great ways. But there is an immense amount of hope and faith going into it. For now, I'm looking at it as another aspect of this decade being On Fire.

And, that leaves the scheduled changes:

~ Brianna can get a driving permit now. She doesn't really seem that enthused about it, but it's still a milestone for her. I'll be taking her to the BMV on the 11th to get everything taken care of. Then starts the fun of parking lot driving. Since we have only my Jeep, she will be learning a manual transmission which is awesome.

~ I'll be renewing my driving license and plates very soon, too. I wavered a little about keeping my personalized plates. It's an expense I don't need, of course. But the smile they bring me when I see them? I think it's worth it.

~ The kittens are growing nicely and are just starting to get the fuzzy-cute look to them. I'm going to be introducing Nala to the rest of the house pretty soon so that she learns more about indoor living. I'm nervous for my own cats since Nala is a tough little thing, but I want her to have a good home soon and more people would be likely to take her if she can get along with others. At this point, two kittens have a home and I'm sure the others will find homes soon after I start posting more pictures.

~ This one isn't really a scheduled change, but a good life-change anyway. I have been studying more about herbs lately and have been able to make some changes to my arnica blend. I found two more herbs that will help with muscle pain. I also am taking a course in crystal healing that is based on the science of the crystals' vibrations. So far it's pretty cool. There are other course I want to take later and I know I will enjoy them. Do I care about a degree? No, not in the least. But the learning is fun. And important to my health.

May you all find peace and wisdom in the changes coming your way.
Namasté.

New starts

It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, don't worry, the world is still turning and some great things have been happening in most areas of my life.

There are new business ideas bouncing around my head, new fitness goals running through my legs, new creative projects springing up in my fingertips, and so much more.

My picture today is the top of a pineapple that I had the pleasure of enjoying this weekend. I had the idea that I could try growing my own. I did try this once before, without success, but this time might be a lot better. What you see is a jar of air. From all that I've read, the base is supposed to dry out, then you root it in water. I'll be adding just a touch of rooting hormone to the water to help the roots along, then, when it reaches the right rootedness, I'll put it in a pretty pot. My hope is that it will produce fruit in about 3 years.

The summer schedule is underway and the days now begin at 4:30. This is when there is the most peace of the day, I think. It will be a little challenging balancing out the two work schedules along with my personal schedule. The work can overlap a lot (and does, of course) since neither job requires my full attention at all times. The personal schedule is a little more snug since I have a deadline and I have to shift it day to day around work. Still, I'm determined.

In the meantime, the house is quiet and I have more projects to start.

May you all have a blessed day.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.

Dragons

Last Monday began the year of the dragon. Interestingly enough, it's also supposed to be a water dragon this year. What does that mean? From what I have read (which isn't very much) it means a year of clearer perspective. A year to be gentle with your Self. And know when to let go of things.

This week, I've been practicing that. Not always successfully, but I've been trying.

There are things in my life that cause me a great deal of stress. Having to deal with the new state rules about the daycare, going without a paycheck for a long while (not as long as someone unemployed, of course, but a long time, regardless), dealing with people who bring me only stress... the list goes on. I am choosing to let so much of that go. The daycare I still need, but I am focusing on the Alina Shea Creations so I can let the daycare go. The paycheck finally arrived and it seems the new system is starting to run smoothly. The people are not going to be an active part of my life, and I will not allow their energy to cause me irritation anymore. The other things? Small.

Instead, I am going to remember how much joy there is in my life. I have good friends, I have amazing best friends, I have my children, Kevin, my good health, my creativity, my connection with Spirit. I have Life and Love. I have beauty and strength. I have a lot. That is my focus now.

I will not be posting the weekly "update each day" today, simply because I have spent more time this week journaling, meditating, and getting stronger. I am not going to allow my fears to get the better of me. I am reaching out to the ones I know can help me find my strength.

I will share an accomplishment this week, though. I made it to Rivendell on Friday. Yes, I biked 459 miles in the last 2 months. At that rate I will reach the end of my journey in 26 months. What a glorious way to spend 2  years!

Shake my petals free...

Monday: I woke around 4 this morning feeling like it was time to wake up. So, I stayed up and had breakfast, then rode the bike for an hour. I feel pretty good that I was able to get it done before the daycare kids got here. This week my goals are to ride for an hour a day, five days. I am feeling pretty confident that I will get it done.

Tuesday: This was another struggle day, but I got on the bike anyway and am happy I did. Afterward I got started on the club yarn. This color is... not anything like I normally do. It's soft and romantic and sweet. Yes, I can hear some of you out there groaning and wondering what is going on. Well, nothing, really. I just wanted something like this to share with the world. Where is the romance any more? Where are the little notes that let someone know that you are thinking about them? Or the simple bouquet of flowers (not necessarily roses, but something to brighten their day)? Or a call out of the blue, just to let your sweetheart know that you are thinking about them? Romance, people. It means a lot.

Am I fishing for flowers & notes? No, I know that my sweetheart loves me. He shows me in so many ways that some people might not recognize, but I do. But there are billions of people on this planet. How many of them can say that they feel loved? Show it.

Anyway, the club yarns are beautiful and I'm looking forward to knitting up something really special with them. And the gifts this month? Oh, so awesome! They were made by one of the club members and they are going to be great for keeping us warm.

Wednesday: Well, the daycare stuff is finally figured out and I should start getting paid again. Luckily, most of the bills & such were already taken care of so we have been holding up quite well. I still am looking forward to the future and I know that someday I will look back on this time and just kind of shake my head and smile, knowing that I made it through.

I've been knitting several items over the last couple weeks. Two pairs of socks, a tool case, and my sweater. I am loving all of these projects simply because of what they represent. The socks are for Kevin, both pairs, and I am very determined to get them finished before the end of the month. The tool case was asked for to protect an expensive meter. The sweater is my goal of size. Yes, I'm a little nervous about knitting something so much smaller than what I am right now, but I know that I will fit into it. I know it will look great on me. And so, I am happy with these projects.

Thursday: I set a new record on the bike today! 18.25 miles and I feel pretty good about it.

There is some snow moving in tonight, but even more tomorrow night. I know there will be complaints about it, but really, it is winter, so what is there to complain about? Now, if you lived in the tropics and were expecting 4-6" of snow, sure, complain all you want. Anyway, I'm kind of looking forward to the snow.

Friday: I woke this morning with a smile. It faded a little when I realized the check I'd been expecting didn't arrive, but I still felt great waking up.

Saturday: Crisp, bright snow all around. And I have only the post office to go to, then out to relax for the weekend.

Sunday: I'm tired today. Brianna has been sick most of the day. In the meantime, Kevin tried to fix the shifter on the Jeep with no luck. So, off to Hiser's it will go tomorrow. Still, for the most part, this day has been pretty good, even with the crazy emotions.

There are some things that I'm more sure of now than I ever was before. Since they are private things, I won't be listing them here, but with this kind of surety for my future, I know that I can step forward with a clear heart, knowing that I've done well and will continue doing my best. And, most important, I will be true to my Self and to my heart. I will continue growing and learning. And I will only allow the things/people in my life that I know I can believe with my heart. Not just their words, but what lies beneath those words.

A New Year

Tuesday: This morning was a good bike ride. I was up and sweaty then showered before 6:45. I have to admit that I do like getting up really early to get this out of the way. Having the daycare kids here all day was a little bit of a drag, but mostly because I have so many ideas for the shop and I want to work on them.

Kevin & I figured out what we're doing for New Year's Eve and, while it's not what I'd originally thought of, I think it will be lovely.

Wednesday: The burner went out on the stove the other day and I finally go around to looking up prices. I had no idea a simple 8" burner coil cost that much! Luckily, this one is the same size as the burner toward the back of the stove, so I'm still in business. It's now on the list of things to fix.

Great news! I've been sorted back into Gryffindor for the House Cup. I really love this group of people. The tolerance, the fun, the caring, and the friendships... I can't think of anything else like it. Now it's time to figure out which projects I'll be focusing on for this term and keep them open enough to fit the assignments.

Thursday: Wow. A very unusual occurrence with a hawk and my window just now. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but the hawk seemed fine (he flew away) and I was only a little shaken from being startled so much. And now I can't help but to think...

I have so many other thoughts going through my head, too, but they will not be shared. It's enough to say that I'm looking forward to this weekend and the time I get to spend with Kevin & Brianna.

Friday: I rode for an hour this morning! Yes, a whole hour. I went 16.1 miles and felt pretty darn good about it.  I'm thinking this should be incorporated each week. I'd still keep 3 day of 30 minutes, and have 1 day of 60 minutes. It certainly wouldn't hurt.

Kevin & I got the shopping done for the weekend. Homemade enchiladas, chocolate chip cookies, and the last 3 Terminator movies. Brianna hasn't seen them yet so this ought to be fun. She's going to bake the cookies & I'll make the enchiladas. I love the fact that we're going to be spending this together. As silly as this might seem, I think this will be the best New Year's Eve Ive had in a very long time.

Saturday: What a... strange day. I got word from Anthony that he might be home by the middle of February. Or the end. Or later. Basically, he really doesn't have any idea. I'm hoping it's sooner, but I've been hoping that for a while now.

Another odd thing that happened was a blast from the past. I can't help but wish the past would stay there. People just don't get it that I walked away from it all for a reason. I think it was handled well and am hoping it is finished.

In a bit we're heading out to Kevin's. I am really looking forward to this! I know, I know, it's just a night in, but this year it will be spent with 2 of my favorite people. And this year I don't have to convince myself that I'm happy being at home by myself. See? This year is On Fire!

Sunday: Home from a wonderful weekend! Good food, loads of smiles, laughter, great people, I couldn't ask for much more than that.

We drove home in nearly-blizzard conditions for part of the drive, but it cleared up before we got to town. It didn't take long after we'd gotten inside before the storm reached us again. I'm really glad we weren't on the streets any longer than what we were.

Brianna has school tomorrow, which I disagree with, but I'm not the one to make the rules. I offered to let her stay home, but she spoke about missing something important in the classes and I'm certainly not going to argue with that.

I spent some quiet time this morning with some card readings, making notes for the business, and enjoying the feel of a house full of loved ones. Yes, yes, it was only two people, but it was still a blessed feeling. One that just can't be replaced with anything else. I think it was a wonderful way to start the year.

Monday: I am starting my Magick Number sweater! I know it's going to be beautiful. I know I will get all the cables figured out. I know it will fit me beautifully when it's finished.

I didn't get on the bike this morning, but that's okay. I spent some time this morning with yoga, hula-hooping, assisted chin-ups and gentle stretches. Tomorrow will be for the bike.

I'm also researching what ll is needed for some of my business ideas. There are so many ideas going through my head and I just need to get them settled and figured out. I cna do this.

Endings

Tuesday: I entered my own choice of number for the extra skeins in the club yarn. Normally I don't do this. After all, I'm the dyer, not the member. But, a few of the other women pointed out that I am a member and that if I really want an extra skein, I should put in a number. So, after checking the budget (fridge is full, bills are paid, gas in the vehicle) I put in for a skein. We'll see if my number comes up. What would I do with 2 skeins? Well, it's blue & sparkles and would make a lovely shawl.

Wednesday: According to the calendar today is the last day before Winter Solstice. How do I feel about this? I'm not sure. There have been so many days when I have spent hours in contemplation. What accomplishments come from that? A lot of self-learning. I'm still not sure how I feel about the end of the season (even though there has been precious little snow so far), but I do know that there are internal issues that I've worked through and feel better about letting them go.

Thursday: I completed the last project for the "111 in 2011" group. I really surprised myself with this accomplishment since I wasn't really sure I could do it. I had a lot of fun looking over other people's projects and seeing my own adding up.

Friday: I let go of a concept today. The concept of size. You see, I was told a number for an ideal size for me. A healthy one, not a twig, not a "big girl", but a good size for the Woman I am striving to be. The best Me I can be. I was afraid to embrace that number simply because I wasn't sure if I'd still be desirable (yeah, silly, right?) or even sexy. After all, so many times we are told that "real women" have some meat on their bones, have curves, aren't afraid of being bigger. But (and I know I may be stepping on several toes here), I know women who are tiny in size and they are not less of a woman simply because they are skinny. For example, "T" is a tiny woman, she's got three kids with her husband, has worked hard to get ahead, is an awesome Mom, and has a wonderful personality. Another one, "M", is a tiny slip of a thing and has a heart of gold, is friendly and loves her friends. Another one, "K", is also thin and is a former Marine, runs marathons, loves her partner deeply, and is always ready to help someone out. Are these women less? No way! And so, I let go of that thought and began designing a sweater that will fit me in a few months and is going to fit me very well six months from now as well. Because a "real woman" isn't defined by how many curves she has, she's defined by the Life she puts into her life.

Saturday: The battle of the shower room is coming to a close. I have tried every non-toxic product I could find and still have been struggling with that icky black crap. Well, it is now just about gone. Yes, bleach is my weapon. I have finally admitted that the stuff that grows up here is significantly different than the stuff that grew in Phoenix. Perhaps scientists will say otherwise, but I've been fighting with this stuff for far too long to believe that it's the same species. I like the clear walls and the clean look to the shower now. I will remain vigilant, however.

Sunday: The last of the laundry is done and the clutter in my room has been eliminated. I'm letting go of the habit to leave things until the eleventh hour. There is so much of a difference in the energy that flows here when things are cleared away. I'm letting go of that thought that I don't have enough time to put stuff away. I'm also letting go of some thoughts for Alina Shea Creations. They were limiting thoughts. Ones that may lead to a dwindling of the business and that's not what I need. I need to be positive.

Monday: Ah, the holiday weekend is finally over. There are so many different emotions associated with this year. Sadness because 75% of the people I wanted to spend time with were not here, happiness at the 25% who were here, worry about Anthony, Love for my chosen family, sorrow for the people who are far from home, joy over the thought that was put into my Yule gifts, peace with the knowledge that things will be okay one way or another... and so many more. And now, the day draws to a close and I am looking forward to a sound slumber and waking with the Fire to begin a new week (even though it's Tuesday).

Yes, my life right now is on Fire in so many ways!

Busy...

Today is not going to be a normal post. I've been doing a lot of thinking, so this post will be about that.

There are times in your life when you're unsure about the way things are going to go and you can't help but worry about them. For example, most people who know me know that my son is in Afghanistan right now. They also know that I worry about him. On a daily basis, I'm reminded that there is no level of "comfort" with him being out there. Yes, he's in Data. No, he's not in the "front lines". But he keeps a loaded and ready gun with him at all times. He stands watch to make sure no one is coming toward the base without authorization. When he does leave the base to go to another one, there is a risk. And so, I worry. A lot.

Sometimes there is a good reason for staying on the edge of awareness. A good reason not to fall into that lull of security. But, most often for me, it starts to wear on the mind. What can you count on? What can you believe in? What can you look at and know that it is, and always will be, safe? Who can you turn to and know that they will never forsake you (hurt you, perhaps, but never break the Sacred Trust)?

I took a very hard look at my life and found answers. True, there are some things that I see as "surface safe" and wonder how they will end up, but there are areas in my life that I feel complete faith in. Does my faith falter for a moment? Of course, I am a human being. But, when I look clearly, that faith flares up even brighter.

I feel blessed to know that I have things that I can count on. My ability to control most of my health. My creativity. The determination to make ends meet. The strength I've gained over the years.

I feel blessed to know that I have things I can believe in. My ability to connect with Spirit. My love for my children. Their love for me. My love for Kevin. His love for me. My love and growing respect for my Dad. His complete love for me. My love for my friends. Their love for me.

I feel blessed to have someone in my life who will never forsake me. I will not elaborate on this, except to say that, even when the stumbles happen, they have never defeated us.

So, an unusual post for this blog, but this is what has been on my mind.

Roller-coaster

Tuesday - With Brianna's help, I pulled all the old tarp off the shed. I'll be letting it dry out before putting new ones on. Yuck, what a gross job... and I was on  a ladder. Ugh. The funny thing is that I'm only a little nervous getting up on the roof and working up there. I am scared to death about coming back down.

Wednesday - We got snow! It wasn't a lot and it melted away in the sunny parts of the yard nearly as soon as the sun touched it, but it was still pretty cool. I'm both looking forward to, and dreading the winter.

Thursday - I finished up most of the holiday cared and they will go out tomorrow. This yearn I'm sending them to so many people! I don't know if I can do that every year, but it would be kind of nice. I also took time to clean out my wallet and a couple other areas of the house. There is still so much to do, but I am looking at it all, one day at a time.

Friday - I updated the shop with several gradient colors today. I love how they look, even though they take so much longer than the others.

Saturday - Sleep was elusive. Kevin walked me through fixing the light in the utility room. I am so glad he let me do the work. There were some parts he did, but it wasn't because I couldn't have, more because it was really messy. He then took us out for dinner & shopping. Well, it was more Brianna's shopping than anything. She didn't want me in the store when she got my gift, but insisted that he be there. Odd. Anyway, that is the last of our holiday shopping.

Sunday - What a wonderful feeling! I can't even describe it well, so I won't try.

Monday - This day has been so filled with emotional ups & downs. I woke with a feeling of hope for the day, then found out that what I'd been looking forward to wasn't going to happen right now. Then I was thrilled at bicycling more than 10 miles through Middle Earth. After that, I was blasted with a wave of jealousy that I didn't think was possible. Then guilt, because it was directed at the families whose military members were arriving from Iraq. The tears that came with that were uncontrollable and I actually had to just let them fall. Afterward I felt drained and wished for... well, what I couldn't have at the moment. I've come to grips with it, with the help from several friends. I am only human. I also finished a few house projects which helped a little, too. Now, at the end of this day, I am trying to stay hopeful for the future and easy on myself. Even when the negative emotions flare up.

Trying something new...

This week I'm going to try writing a little each day, then publish it on Monday. We;ll see how that works out.

Tuesday: My appointment was this morning and it turns out that my sugars are a little elevated, but not to the point of being out of control. The rest of the symptoms are most likely related to stress. How to combat it? Movement, for the most part. Brianna and I found a stationary bike at Goodwill for only $25. It's not fancy, but we can adjust the tension and it has a timer on it. Not bad. I only "rode" it for 15 minutes and knitted part of that time.

Wednesday: I finished a hat that I'll be sending off to Anthony -

Thursday: I started a new blog for my health called 6849 Miles. I'll be bicycling the length of Sam's and Frodo's journey to Mordor and back with a couple side trips tossed in. I'm doing this mainly to help keep myself motivated. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let myself be unhealthy.

Friday: After hearing from a couple members on Ravelry, I decided to start a new thread for our health. It will be smaller than the Gryffindor Gym and I'm hoping it will help us cheer each other on. A few others will be traveling along this trip as well. Not necessarily biking or walking, but they will be doing what needs to be done for themselves and that means a lot. I also began an interesting challenge from Silver Ravenwolf. Each day we get rid of at least one item. She does give "missions" and that will help keep the focus.

We also bought our Yule tree! This year we get a Douglas Fir instead of a Scotch Pine. It's a little smaller than the last couple years, but it looks so cute! And the needles aren't nearly as sharp.

Saturday: Kevin took me to dinner and a show! It was really cool to see It's a Wonderful Life on stage. True, this is a small-town venue, but it was really nice. That was the first time I'd been in the Sandusky State Theater and I liked the feel of the place. I'm hoping we can go again before long to see something else.

It was really nice getting dressed up and doing something different.

Sunday: Brianna and I decorated our tree. It still feels a little odd to know that Anthony will not be here, but I kept good cheer and Brianna was pretty happy with it all. The packages under there now look  a little funny, but that's only because Anthony had them sent to us and told us that we couldn't open them until Yule.

We might open them on the 17th, though, and that's mainly because of the work schedule.

More repairs

What an interesting week! I'm thinking about changing the way I write these entries, and I'll certainly get that figured out by tomorrow. Anyway...

Thanksgiving was very nice, even though we spent most of the afternoon tearing my dryer apart. Kevin tested all the parts inside and they were all strong. The only broken part was a blower fan. Not even duct tape could fix that one (and yes, we tried it).

After cleaning up  the mess, we looked up the part online and found it for sale. Since there is an appliance repair shop not far from me, it was good to get the price. Luckily, the shop was open on Friday. Now I can officially say that I've gone to a store on Black Friday. Crazy, huh? Anyway, I got the part and installed it myself.

Now the dryer may last another 10 years before another repair is needed.

Saturday was filled with baking, grating, making butter, and knitting. All in preparation of Sunday's feast, which included only 2 of Kevin's kids. I was a little bummed that one couldn't make it (the others are out of the state), since he usually has something witty to say about lots of things, but that's how it goes, I guess. It was a nice dinner, though and most of the conversation was lively.

Tomorrow is my appointment to discuss the lab results. I keep telling myself that I'm not really worried about it. I keep telling myself that I'm waking in the night from the wind, or rain, or a full bladder... deep in my heart I know better. I am afraid of what she will tell me. I'm afraid she's going to inform me that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. It's hard to shake that feeling, even though I want to believe I'm stronger than that.

On the bright side... I finished Anthony's hat.

Rain of emotions

The week was full of emotional ups and downs that just seemed to get more and more exhausting as the week progressed. It was crazy.

I was able to spend time away from home this weekend (as I am able to many weekends) and found time to write in my journal. I have so many aspects of my own Self to explore. While I was writing, a lot of the hurt and confusion drained away. That helped my sanity more than anything. I'm now able to remain positive about the challenges I face. I'm able to let go a bit more of the pain I've been in. I'm even a little more sure of the future I face. Is everything completely filled with sunshine and roses? Of course not. Life isn't that way.

I feel better now about one of my friendships. I have no idea what path it will take or what distance the journey will be, but I can now believe that it's in our hands. We are working on it together and will do our best to hold each other up.

I also feel better about another relationship. Sometimes I see division and separation where there is none. A lot of that is caused by the fact that I don't give enough love to my own Self. When the continuance and connectivity is gently pointed out to me, I can step back and accept it again.

So, these were all the things accomplished this week (with a lot of help) that cannot be seen on the surface.

On the surface, there are a few other things that are new.

 

 

Also, the shopping for Sunday's dinner is completed. This was actually a pleasant outing, filled with a surprise dinner, laughter, friendship, fresh veggies, and Love. Yep, the shopping was not horrid this year.

I hope you are all able to enjoy the beauty in your lives. I hope you are also able to see the blessings you each have.

Slow week

This week was actually a "finish the stuff" kind of week. I was able to get the swap shawl finished (it's nearly dry so I'll get some pictures tomorrow), finished some personal writing, and finished a couple business things.

One thing that I started was 15 Days of Thankfulness. Essentially, each day there is a new prompt for what to focus on and you write about it. I think it's a good way to focus on things that you feel grateful for, while also reminding yourself that you have a lot of blessings.

This week was also about learning and growing. Some fears were set aside while others popped up. The biggest new one (I'm not posting about it until I find out for certain) is health related. I know that I will be placing a few calls tomorrow to see about laying my fears to rest. Until then, I will be positive.

So, even though I don't have a lot to "show" for this week, internally it has been really busy. May you all be blessed.