Catching up

Day fourteen: Star

The stars, the stars. Oh, how bright they'll shine, on that home that we build in the meadow.

Since I was a very young child I have been fascinated by the stars. I can remember traveling somewhere late in the night and looking up into the sky at the stars and wondering why they seemed to stay with us. I have no idea where we were going or coming from, only that I usually fell asleep with the stars in my dreams. Even when I was a little older (around 12 or so) my bed was positioned in such a way that I could look up as I drifted off.

I don't know that many constellations or even which stars are in the hemisphere, but I've always been able to pick out the Three Braves and the Bear, the Hunter, the Dragon. Occasionally I can find others, but it's not the imaginings of others that interest me the most, it's the wonder of the stars themselves. The distance, their size, and their beauty.

Day fifteen: Nature

Nature has always held a very important role in my life. From watching a mama "horny toad" with her babies in a Texas back yard to seeing the graceful swoop of a bald eagle in flight on the Huron River, I've always been able to feel a sense of wonder at the wildlife around me. Perhaps that is part of why I wanted to live in the mountains so much... there were more animals than people.

I could go one about this subject, but I think it would be a whole post an I do need to shower and get ready to sleep.

Day sixteen: Cycle

Each time the days shorten to nearly nothing I've felt a pull to slow down and really take a look at my life. At the same time I feel a great need to create something new and wonderful. In the years past I've used that fire to design a couple of sweaters. They both were fabulous in their own ways and I love them. Last year I was hit with another design, but haven't yet put it to paper. But it's there, building and waiting.

Around the Solstice I usually take time to be alone. I'm not sure how that will happen this year, but I will do what I can to make it so. Generally, I sit in silence and think about the longest night and how the Earth is shifting and tilting to give us the cycle of seasons. I think about the position of the planets around us and the cycle of the sun. I think about the animals sleeping soundly and the birds flitting from tree to tree. I think about Life and Death and how it all spirals around us, each day.

What an adventure!

These last two weeks have been filled with so many new things!

On the 13th I boarded a plane to Asheville, NC. This was the first flight I actually chose to take. The others were forced upon me due to moving (flying from Washington to Phoenix when I was 10) or necessity (a deposition when I was 30) and I was miserable the whole time I was on those flights. This one, however, was more filled with the excitement of what was to come and the lovely surprise planned for April. Everything went so smoothly, too. The security check was a breeze, the flight had no mishaps, there was a shuttle waiting to take me to the other gate for the connecting flight, and the weather was lovely.

On the 15th I ran/walked in the Asheville 5k. After the first burst of energy, I only ran downhill and walked uphill. There were a lot of hills!!! I was sure I'd end up taking a whole hour on that route, but I made it across the finish line in just over 44 minutes. I was mostly happy with that time. That afternoon Kam & April had a party and we all celebrated the run. (Kam & April ran the half marathon!) Good food, Patrón Cafe, laughter, and friendship... what a wonderful way to celebrate Life!

After that, there was a combination of new foods (my first Indian food), workouts, knitting, and a drive to Mount Mitchell. The whole set of pictures is here and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every moment of the trip. Even the workouts. I woke each morning at my normal times (5:30-ish) and stepped outside to greet the day. Each morning Moon Kitty would walk out there with me and sit by my feet while I breathed in the fresh morning air. Each evening I would fall asleep with a smile on my face. And through every moment I felt true gratitude that I was alive and able to see the beauty in everything around me.

And now I am home and thinking about all the stuff I want to do before the end of the year. Clearing out the house, getting even more healthy, working on my businesses of choice, and so much more. The cooler weather is setting in and it's time to begin looking inside for reflection. I have people in this world, near and far, who fully support me in all that I do. I have strength of heart and body to carry me through the tough times. I have creativity and passion to fuel my Life on Fire.

I am truly blessed.

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember...

Today is Tuesday, May 1, 2012CE. I left home 23 years ago and never went back. It was rough going and I was terrified that night, but I'd made the choice to leave, to set out on my own and do the best I could. There were moments when I was sure I was going to fail. Moments when I was so certain I'd have to crawl back with my head hung in shame. Instead, I thrived and grew and learned to support myself and slowly, so very slowly, I became strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, to become the woman I am, and am becoming.

I thought about writing a little about why I left home so early and what transpired before I took flight, but it doesn't all matter now. Now is more than two decades later. Does my past influence my present? Of course, but it's not important right now to dredge up some of those memories. There were a lot of good ones, and I might write of those someday. There were a lot of bad ones, and I chose to learn from them so I can be a better person.

Wednesday - What a strange day this is. I heard a voice on the air when I stepped outside. No, I'm not joking or making it up. I heard a voice. It was a male voice telling me to stop worrying so much and that it would be alright.

Thursday - Once again I'm up long before the alarm sounds. The world feels hushed right now. Not the normal hush of a sleeping world, but one holding its breath, waiting for the hammer to fall. Such are my thoughts... I am choosing to release that for now and do something soothing... I think I'll knit some of the most challenging lace I've encountered so far.

Saturday - And so it comes to this. It was brought to my attention that I'd done something that hurt those most dear to me. It wasn't intentional, to be sure, but it was done, nonetheless. When I was told about it I was stunned that I could be that unthinking.

What could be so bad? I failed to tell them a very important part of me. I'm not going to get into the details, but there was a bit of information that I'd not shared with them. And it hurt them. True, the younger ones shrugged it off and said it was "okay", but I know they only did that so I didn't feel bad. I let them know that it wasn't okay and that I'd made a big mistake by not thinking about it, by not even comprehending that I'd done this. As for the older one? The one I've chosen to be with through all kinds of crap and awesomeness? He told me that he knew it wasn't done out of maliciousness and hugged me.

I think of myself as a good person, one who thinks about others, one who does her best to make sure her loved ones have what they need... and yet, I am not perfect. I know that I cause hurt to the ones I love most.

Still, the ones I'd hurt forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. For that I am ever grateful. They hold me in high regard and I hope to not let them down... or, at least, do the best that I can.

Monday - The rain is moving in and I'm wishing to be somewhere else... and yet, there is a new shipment of yarn calling to me... new colors, new yarn bases, new ideas and hopes. Writing, too, that must be done. Stories that must be told and shared with those who don't know, those who missed it all. Papers to file, records to be updated...

I'm a little more at peace this morning than I've been for the whole week. Communication is vital to Life. It is more vital than food, sometimes. Love is vital to Life. Without it, we are walking around empty. Faith is vital to Life. Faith in our loved ones, in ourselves, in our Creator, in the knowledge that it will be alright.

Fire is vital to Life. Fire to create, to see beauty in all that surrounds us, to appreciate the best of moments. Fire to dream, to aspire, to achieve. Fire to be passionate about life. Fire to Love.

May you all have a day filled with Fire.

Socks!

Wednesday - I attended a business seminar this morning. It's part of a government something-or-other that helps small businesses. I found out that they are there ot help out, free of charge, to anyone who wants it. For once I can see where our tax dollars are doing something good. Not just because I will benefit from it, but because it's helping people who are thinking about the future.

Anyway, I learned a bit about becoming a LLC and a bit about taxing. I'll be filing lots of stuff in the next several weeks and I'm nervous and excited about it.

There is a small part of me (which I'm doing my best to eliminate) that feels that a business isn't really a business unless you are in debt up to your eyeballs during the first few years. and yet, I've not borrowed a cent for ASC. Any equipment came from saving up or a tax refund. All the yarn up front came from my own money and after that it came from the sales. Same with the dyes and everything else. So I need to squash those thoughts and keep growing as I have been.

Friday - Well, I'm all signed up for the 2012 Tour de Sock. Yes, this is pretty exciting to me. I plan to work on the toughest pattern from last year to get a little practice in and to make sure I can get the socks done in time. I'm determined this year!

Sunday - What a wonderfully relaxing day! You know that the world is a good place when you can spend a day with your loved one and knit. The whole day. I made some progress with the practice sock. At this point I'm pretty sure it won't fit me, but that's not really the point, yet. Right now it's all about practice and getting the technique committed to muscle memory.

Monday - More changes are on the horizon for my business. New yarns, new colors, new ideas. I am so thrilled about some of it.

I'm actually a little tired right now so I'm going to post this and head to bed. I hope you all have a fabulous week!

Deep changes

I can feel so many changes in the winds! Some I am nervous about, while others bring me a sense of excitement.

I woke this morning around 2 with a storm moving in. I did the normal routine: check for weather alerts, debate sending a text to Kevin, check the candle, check the sleeping child, check the cats, watch the lightning for a little bit, lay back down. I love storms. and the energy they bring. I know I'm usually a little tired during the following days, but I wouldn't sleep through them if I could.

Tuesdays are generally fun for me since I spend time with the dyes and "play". What will come out of the pots? I'm usually surprised with the color combinations that happen. Today felt like it needed to be spring colors.

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Thursday: Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but I had to come to terms with something I didn't want. Instead of looking at this as a negative I'm going to hold onto some words that were said to me and see this as a positive step to my good health.

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Some storms are just more awesome than others. Last night it hailed and the energy helped to create a playful mood. Afterward, the thunder continued rumbling and creating energy surges. Yes, it was another sleep-short night, but it was definitely well worth it.

Today's shop update will be filled with the new colors and I hope my customers like them as much as I do. Several skeins are going into the bin for Tour de Sock since I'm one of the event sponsors again. The winners last year were pretty happy with the prizes and I'm hoping they will be again.

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Monday: The weekend was filled with some pretty cool events. Brianna's first pair of track shoes were bought, time spent talking with Kevin, time spent with other family members, good journaling, and knitting. There are moments in my life when I truly believe it can't get better. Then I think of how wondrous the future will be and I know that I am going to love every bit of it. Hard times, good times, I'm looking forward to them all.

Tomorrow will be another big step for me. Some of you already know about it, and the rest will know very soon. Ostara. Six weeks after that will be Beltane. Both are powerful celebrations for Pagans and they both will have a special meaning for me. I look forward to telling you all about it.

For now, I hope you all have a chance to enjoy the beauty of Spring.

Shake my petals free...

Monday: I woke around 4 this morning feeling like it was time to wake up. So, I stayed up and had breakfast, then rode the bike for an hour. I feel pretty good that I was able to get it done before the daycare kids got here. This week my goals are to ride for an hour a day, five days. I am feeling pretty confident that I will get it done.

Tuesday: This was another struggle day, but I got on the bike anyway and am happy I did. Afterward I got started on the club yarn. This color is... not anything like I normally do. It's soft and romantic and sweet. Yes, I can hear some of you out there groaning and wondering what is going on. Well, nothing, really. I just wanted something like this to share with the world. Where is the romance any more? Where are the little notes that let someone know that you are thinking about them? Or the simple bouquet of flowers (not necessarily roses, but something to brighten their day)? Or a call out of the blue, just to let your sweetheart know that you are thinking about them? Romance, people. It means a lot.

Am I fishing for flowers & notes? No, I know that my sweetheart loves me. He shows me in so many ways that some people might not recognize, but I do. But there are billions of people on this planet. How many of them can say that they feel loved? Show it.

Anyway, the club yarns are beautiful and I'm looking forward to knitting up something really special with them. And the gifts this month? Oh, so awesome! They were made by one of the club members and they are going to be great for keeping us warm.

Wednesday: Well, the daycare stuff is finally figured out and I should start getting paid again. Luckily, most of the bills & such were already taken care of so we have been holding up quite well. I still am looking forward to the future and I know that someday I will look back on this time and just kind of shake my head and smile, knowing that I made it through.

I've been knitting several items over the last couple weeks. Two pairs of socks, a tool case, and my sweater. I am loving all of these projects simply because of what they represent. The socks are for Kevin, both pairs, and I am very determined to get them finished before the end of the month. The tool case was asked for to protect an expensive meter. The sweater is my goal of size. Yes, I'm a little nervous about knitting something so much smaller than what I am right now, but I know that I will fit into it. I know it will look great on me. And so, I am happy with these projects.

Thursday: I set a new record on the bike today! 18.25 miles and I feel pretty good about it.

There is some snow moving in tonight, but even more tomorrow night. I know there will be complaints about it, but really, it is winter, so what is there to complain about? Now, if you lived in the tropics and were expecting 4-6" of snow, sure, complain all you want. Anyway, I'm kind of looking forward to the snow.

Friday: I woke this morning with a smile. It faded a little when I realized the check I'd been expecting didn't arrive, but I still felt great waking up.

Saturday: Crisp, bright snow all around. And I have only the post office to go to, then out to relax for the weekend.

Sunday: I'm tired today. Brianna has been sick most of the day. In the meantime, Kevin tried to fix the shifter on the Jeep with no luck. So, off to Hiser's it will go tomorrow. Still, for the most part, this day has been pretty good, even with the crazy emotions.

There are some things that I'm more sure of now than I ever was before. Since they are private things, I won't be listing them here, but with this kind of surety for my future, I know that I can step forward with a clear heart, knowing that I've done well and will continue doing my best. And, most important, I will be true to my Self and to my heart. I will continue growing and learning. And I will only allow the things/people in my life that I know I can believe with my heart. Not just their words, but what lies beneath those words.

Trying to smile more

Yes, it's been another one of those kinds of weeks. I haven't spent that much time on Ravelry, Facebook or any other areas online. It's not that I don't want to talk with my friends, I just don't want to subject them to some dreariness.

I've been struggling with some feelings of frustration and anger. I know I need to let them go, it's just not as easy as turning off a switch.

There are minor annoyances going on... the ceiling in the hallway is in need of repair (J took it down this weekend and might be able to repair it next weekend), the Jeep's battery cables are corroded (Kevin replaced one and cleaned the heck out of the other, which will have to do until we can get the right part for it), and there are a couple others that won't be posted publicly.

There are really good things, too: I've increased my biking time to an hour a day, the friendship that is tiny and new is still growing, knitting has been good, I had loads of fun dyeing the PS... yarn this month and am looking forward to dyeing the club yarn, I've got my papers lined up for the business stuff, and I've been journaling a lot more.

Next week will be a better update, simply because I'm going to push myself out of this feeling and stop letting the season get to me.

Trying something new...

This week I'm going to try writing a little each day, then publish it on Monday. We;ll see how that works out.

Tuesday: My appointment was this morning and it turns out that my sugars are a little elevated, but not to the point of being out of control. The rest of the symptoms are most likely related to stress. How to combat it? Movement, for the most part. Brianna and I found a stationary bike at Goodwill for only $25. It's not fancy, but we can adjust the tension and it has a timer on it. Not bad. I only "rode" it for 15 minutes and knitted part of that time.

Wednesday: I finished a hat that I'll be sending off to Anthony -

Thursday: I started a new blog for my health called 6849 Miles. I'll be bicycling the length of Sam's and Frodo's journey to Mordor and back with a couple side trips tossed in. I'm doing this mainly to help keep myself motivated. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let myself be unhealthy.

Friday: After hearing from a couple members on Ravelry, I decided to start a new thread for our health. It will be smaller than the Gryffindor Gym and I'm hoping it will help us cheer each other on. A few others will be traveling along this trip as well. Not necessarily biking or walking, but they will be doing what needs to be done for themselves and that means a lot. I also began an interesting challenge from Silver Ravenwolf. Each day we get rid of at least one item. She does give "missions" and that will help keep the focus.

We also bought our Yule tree! This year we get a Douglas Fir instead of a Scotch Pine. It's a little smaller than the last couple years, but it looks so cute! And the needles aren't nearly as sharp.

Saturday: Kevin took me to dinner and a show! It was really cool to see It's a Wonderful Life on stage. True, this is a small-town venue, but it was really nice. That was the first time I'd been in the Sandusky State Theater and I liked the feel of the place. I'm hoping we can go again before long to see something else.

It was really nice getting dressed up and doing something different.

Sunday: Brianna and I decorated our tree. It still feels a little odd to know that Anthony will not be here, but I kept good cheer and Brianna was pretty happy with it all. The packages under there now look  a little funny, but that's only because Anthony had them sent to us and told us that we couldn't open them until Yule.

We might open them on the 17th, though, and that's mainly because of the work schedule.

More repairs

What an interesting week! I'm thinking about changing the way I write these entries, and I'll certainly get that figured out by tomorrow. Anyway...

Thanksgiving was very nice, even though we spent most of the afternoon tearing my dryer apart. Kevin tested all the parts inside and they were all strong. The only broken part was a blower fan. Not even duct tape could fix that one (and yes, we tried it).

After cleaning up  the mess, we looked up the part online and found it for sale. Since there is an appliance repair shop not far from me, it was good to get the price. Luckily, the shop was open on Friday. Now I can officially say that I've gone to a store on Black Friday. Crazy, huh? Anyway, I got the part and installed it myself.

Now the dryer may last another 10 years before another repair is needed.

Saturday was filled with baking, grating, making butter, and knitting. All in preparation of Sunday's feast, which included only 2 of Kevin's kids. I was a little bummed that one couldn't make it (the others are out of the state), since he usually has something witty to say about lots of things, but that's how it goes, I guess. It was a nice dinner, though and most of the conversation was lively.

Tomorrow is my appointment to discuss the lab results. I keep telling myself that I'm not really worried about it. I keep telling myself that I'm waking in the night from the wind, or rain, or a full bladder... deep in my heart I know better. I am afraid of what she will tell me. I'm afraid she's going to inform me that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. It's hard to shake that feeling, even though I want to believe I'm stronger than that.

On the bright side... I finished Anthony's hat.

Slow week

This week was actually a "finish the stuff" kind of week. I was able to get the swap shawl finished (it's nearly dry so I'll get some pictures tomorrow), finished some personal writing, and finished a couple business things.

One thing that I started was 15 Days of Thankfulness. Essentially, each day there is a new prompt for what to focus on and you write about it. I think it's a good way to focus on things that you feel grateful for, while also reminding yourself that you have a lot of blessings.

This week was also about learning and growing. Some fears were set aside while others popped up. The biggest new one (I'm not posting about it until I find out for certain) is health related. I know that I will be placing a few calls tomorrow to see about laying my fears to rest. Until then, I will be positive.

So, even though I don't have a lot to "show" for this week, internally it has been really busy. May you all be blessed.

Laughter & tears

What a week this has been! I started my Nanowrimo writing on Tuesday and was amazed at how the memories just started flowing. I actually had to write some of them down because they were popping up in my mind so fast. Now I have a piece of paper filled with a couple words for each memory that will help me get them all typed up. I love doing this and am pretty sure it's something that will bring my Dad some joy.

I also spun a full bump of fiber (pictures in a bit), started a shawl for a friend, dyed another shawl of mine, moved my bedroom furniture around, helped with cleaning a dryer hose, blogged about anger (I usually don't do that), met my daughter's boyfriend, played in the leaves with a toddler and my Sweetie, and made refried beans for the first time. Ever.

The fiber is the the first installment of the PS... line of colors that Pacasha, of Younger Yarns, and I are dyeing together. She dyes the fiber and I dye the yarn. We both use the same dye (since we buy from the same suppliers) and colors, and last month was a hit! Since it was our first month, we both sent each other a package and I finished spinning mine just a couple days ago. I still need to set it, but that won't take long. It's so gorgeous! (And the spinning looks great, too.) Here's what it looked like halfway done -

The shawl is going to a wonderful woman who plays in the House Cup group on Ravelry. We're doing a secret swap, so I can't even say where she lives, but I know she's going to love it. The yarn is my own Sunrises in Nightshade, and I already know she likes the colors.

The shawl I dyed was made from the yarn my Dad sent me for Solstice a couple years ago, and that I wear quite a bit. Now, it's even more awesome because of the colors.

Moving my bedroom around was a great way of giving me a better view when I'm sitting at my desk. Now, I can really enjoy the natural daylight even while I'm working on shop updates, Nano writing, or just playing on Ravelry.  It's still a bit messy, but this is my new view -

I met the boy Brianna is "dating". I use the quotations simply because they haven't gone out on an actual date, but they call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. How do I feel about this? Well, the boy came in and gave me a firm handshake and introduced himself to me. That says something. I guess time will tell about the rest of it.

 Playing in the leaves on Sunday was wonderful. The toddler (I'll still need to ask his parents' permission about names and pictures) was hesitant at first, but after a couple minutes of seeing what I was doing, he jumped right in with kicking the leaves, tossing them around, wading through the pile and just having fun. Kevin joined in tossing the leaves in the air and kicking them all around (like he needs an excuse to have fun). It was really nice to be able to have a reason for making a mess of the leaf pile and fill the time with smiles and laughter.

I think that Sunday was one of the best I've had and it will certainly be one of my happy memories.

So, where does the "tears" portion of the title come from? Well, when my emotions run really high, they begin to overflow. Whether from anger, sorrow, joy, or Love, the tears will spill over. I'm not ashamed of this, it just is the way I am. This week has been filled with all of these emotions and more.

I hope you are all having a wonderful week and that you all find moments that will be memories for the rest of your life.

Project of the week...

The other night, the idea of a project each week was given to me and I have been thinking about it since then. I think it's a great idea and it doesn't even have to show only my crafty projects, but life projects as well. Such as seeing the whales off the coast of Maine (not my idea, but a cool one nonetheless). And the thought occurred to me about just adding this to the other blog, or keeping it separate. If I want this to show the things I've done in a year, or five, then it should be a new blog.

I think the most daunting part of this is the fear that I will have nothing to show at the end of this. But, since we never know where our roads lead, what would I gain by not trying at all.

Where to start? If I started projects from my birthday until now, I would include these:

Fiber spun into singles (spun on the wheel that Sally painted and my awesome friends made sure I received by my birthday) -

Then plied -

A scarf made for my dad -

Some fiber I dyed -

And split for fractal spinning -

Other crafty news: I finished another washcloth, am still learning how to do stranded colorwork with a little stretch to it, am working on the Evenstar shawl, and am planning to make a shawl for a crafty swap.

There are other things that have happened as well, but more challenging to actually show. Some of them are internal and who wants to see my insides, right?

One accomplishment recently was a detox. Scary word, isn't it? Well, this was a food de-tox. I went for over a week not having any type of dairy or grain. I don't have any allergies or anything like that, I just wanted to get my body cleaned out for the winter. Mainly, it was a way to help eliminate any odd cravings that I get sometimes. For example, there is nothing of nutritional value in a Whataburger. As nice as they are to enjoy, having an actual craving for one certainly doesn't point to a vitamin or mineral deficiency so, why the craving? Since there really isn't any answer, the detox was in order.

The first few days were pretty blah. I rested a lot, read books, knitted, and drank more water than I thought possible. I also enjoyed a ton of veggies. Most were raw, but some were cooked lightly. And I discovered that I won't be doing another detox once the sun starts to decline. Why? Because this is the time of year that I love hot, spicy, and filling foods. Not, cold, raw veggies. Anyway, it was a good experience, nonetheless.

I've also been doing more journaling and thinking. I have so many ideas running through my head on a regular basis and I'm really looking forward to figuring out ways to make them work. Some are pretty simple, like moving the furniture in my room. The most challenging parts of that are the fact that I don't have many outlets, nor do I have a really long data cable (my F8 key is broken on the netbook so I can no longer connect wirelessly). I'll get these things settled pretty soon and my room will be even more pleasing than it is right now.  Well, to be honest, at this moment there are things out of place since I didn't put them away when I got home yesterday.