Catching up

Day fourteen: Star

The stars, the stars. Oh, how bright they'll shine, on that home that we build in the meadow.

Since I was a very young child I have been fascinated by the stars. I can remember traveling somewhere late in the night and looking up into the sky at the stars and wondering why they seemed to stay with us. I have no idea where we were going or coming from, only that I usually fell asleep with the stars in my dreams. Even when I was a little older (around 12 or so) my bed was positioned in such a way that I could look up as I drifted off.

I don't know that many constellations or even which stars are in the hemisphere, but I've always been able to pick out the Three Braves and the Bear, the Hunter, the Dragon. Occasionally I can find others, but it's not the imaginings of others that interest me the most, it's the wonder of the stars themselves. The distance, their size, and their beauty.

Day fifteen: Nature

Nature has always held a very important role in my life. From watching a mama "horny toad" with her babies in a Texas back yard to seeing the graceful swoop of a bald eagle in flight on the Huron River, I've always been able to feel a sense of wonder at the wildlife around me. Perhaps that is part of why I wanted to live in the mountains so much... there were more animals than people.

I could go one about this subject, but I think it would be a whole post an I do need to shower and get ready to sleep.

Day sixteen: Cycle

Each time the days shorten to nearly nothing I've felt a pull to slow down and really take a look at my life. At the same time I feel a great need to create something new and wonderful. In the years past I've used that fire to design a couple of sweaters. They both were fabulous in their own ways and I love them. Last year I was hit with another design, but haven't yet put it to paper. But it's there, building and waiting.

Around the Solstice I usually take time to be alone. I'm not sure how that will happen this year, but I will do what I can to make it so. Generally, I sit in silence and think about the longest night and how the Earth is shifting and tilting to give us the cycle of seasons. I think about the position of the planets around us and the cycle of the sun. I think about the animals sleeping soundly and the birds flitting from tree to tree. I think about Life and Death and how it all spirals around us, each day.

It's been a while...

There have been many things going on lately, but few of them are anything I wanted to put into words. It just seemed that they would be too real, I think.

I updated my blood tests a couple weeks ago and all the numbers were much, much better. The only concern was an occasional bit of tachycardia. The doctor recommended an EKG, then an echo-cardiogram. Both turned out to be very normal in just about every way. My doctor was very impressed with the changes in my eating habits, my exercising, my weight loss, and so much more. I think the most important part of it all was the pride I had in myself for the times I dkept going, for when I chose not to give up.

Winter has been a strange one. Temperatures ranging from the lower 60s one day and lower 20s the next. It's been an interesting challenge to know how to dress when we head out the door. I am happy for it all, though. The coldest days give me the incentive to stay indoors and think about my life while I work. The warmer days draw me outdoors and give me the relief I need from the greyness. On the most dark of days I will light candles and turn up the music. On the sunny days I smile at the crystal-produced rainbows scattered on my walls. Through it all, I hold the hope of Spring's return.

There is more that I'd like to write, but I waited too long and the night is upon me, telling me that it's time to lay down and dream for a while.

Collecting moments

I've had days, lately, when I've felt like letting go, giving up, and retreating from life for a while. But what good would that do me? None at all. And so, I keep going. Perhaps this is part of being On Fire, too... small embers that are hidden in the ashes, just warm enough to relight the flames with just a bit of fresh air.

I've been writing a lot lately. Some of it is good stuff, some of it is just my hurts and concerns. Some will be burned in a small fire, some will be shared with the appropriate people, some will be buried in the yard. All of this is a way to help me get things sorted out and determine how to set my sails.

-

I've had this orchid for a couple years. Its flowers fell off long ago and it didn't put out another spike until recently. I had decided to mount it onto a piece of wood and hang it on the wall and in the process I noticed that there was a tiny spike with some nubby sections. I was so very excited and a little nervous that I'd messed it up from yanking it from the pot (the roots had attached themselves). Today it seems like a pretty happy plant.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this all turns out.

-


There are days when all seems to go right, and days when all seems to go wrong. But in each of those situations there are moments to hold onto. Anthony's smile when I opened the door, Brianna's laughter during a movie she didn't really care to watch, Kevin wrapping a warm blanket around me when I wasn't feeling good. These are all such small things, but have such an impact on my heart. When I think about these things I know that my life really is blessed. Each hard time is just a little sorrow in the grand scheme of things. Each smile is a ray of light helping me along.

-

This weekend was a little crazy, but all in all it was pretty good. I have a couple new ideas to implement for the business, a couple dreams to put on the shelf, a couple fires to light, and I'm looking forward to getting a few things cleared away so I can hang the new calendar with a fresh start. Some of this will be very easy, some will be quite a challenge... all of it is Life.

Quiet...

Sometimes the week passes without a grand occurrence. No hugely special event to mark its passing. This past week was a series of small events which, by themselves mean very little. And even when they are added up, their meaning is pretty insignificant.

Except that they are parts of my life. Parts that will be a memory in the years to come. Things to look back on and smile. Or frown. Or become contemplative about.

We started the mandatory school shopping last week. I have only complaints about the required clothing, so I won't go into detail. Brianna still needs shoes and we will be getting those this weekend. At this point we still have no idea what classes she will be in. I've called the school and they don't know. School starts on Monday. Yes, I have more to say about that, but I'll vent elsewhere.

I found a wondrous thing at the thrift store the other day! Books, in excellent shape, and on my "to buy" list. The ones that make me smile most? The Sevenwaters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. I know there are now more books in that series, but the first three are the ones I fell in love with.

A repair to the Jeep was completed. While we were working on the lighting and the door Kevin noticed that he could see daylight through a crack on the floor where the driver seat was bolted in. After a more thorough examination it was pretty clear that both front seats were not really secure anymore. Luckily there is a welder in the family (Kevin's nephew) and that was fixed this past weekend. The relief I feel because of that is a lot stronger than I thought, but... well, after discovering the cracks I had a few bad dreams about seeing my passenger go through the front window.

There are other small things... repairs to some of the yarn equipment, banging my head on the Jeep, a haircut, a cool microscope from a yard sale, movies on the weekend, the arrival of my awesome mug, cooler weather, the passing of a life, the gathering of thoughts, journaling, knitting, ... so much Life when you think about it one way, so little if you think about it a different way. I choose the former. After all, even the quiet moments make up the tapestry of my life and they should be cherished, too.

Namasté.

Fiery weekend

This weekend was full of firsts for me. I hadn't started out with that intention, but it happened that way on its own.

One stemmed from a joke about not eating something you don't know. Well, I had to look it up to see what it was and I was surprised and thrilled to discover that I just might enjoy Crepes Suzette. Kevin bravely let me use his kitchen (I say bravely because I've caught several things on fire by accident) for this dessert and even handed me the lighter. I will admit that I didn't get it to light the first time. I was pretty disappointed, but we heated up a little more of the liqueur and tried again. That time I was the camera person. When the flames caught I was startled (yes, I know I shouldn't have been) so the picture is a little off.

It was yummy! And, as we were tasting and savoring this wonderful bit of sweetness, ideas began flowing for altering the recipe. Pineapple juice, peach brandy, lady fingers... ah, the cooking muse awoke. When I get the flames right I just might throw a party or something.

There was a really cool storm that rolled through and I got my first shot of lightning!I was standing inside the doorway with the camera ready and waiting. Every time before I was too slow or too fast and caught just the bright sky, missing the actual bolts. This time I got it! I'm pretty thrilled by this and am looking forward to trying it again. Come on, weather, send me another storm!

I know, I know, there are a lot of pictures of lightning out there in the internet and other places, but I have been trying for a long time. Lately I've been playing with various settings on my camera as well and I'm looking forward to getting better at taking pictures. Next on my list is to try long exposure. This little camera has it and I'm hoping to have an evening of sitting outdoors, and playing around with it. Luckily, the summer won't last much longer and I can try this without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and such.

-

When I go places special I collect a rock. Not always since I don't find one that is just right all the time. But I have two rocks that are special since they remind me of a great time. One was from a camping trip with my kids. We went to a place called Blue Rock in Ohio and we had a wonderfully relaxing and fun weekend. There was a rock at our site that was perfect for holding stuff and it called to me. It's been sitting here with me for a few years and I finally decided that it was time.

 

Tada! Now I have a candle holder. After finishing the one abaove I set to work on the rock that means even more to me. That one had a lot more quartz in it (both were sandstone) and was a lot more challenging to get through, and at one point I needed a little help.

The second rock reminds me of a special beginning. When the sun was warm and the future was full of sunshine and possibilities. It reminds me that, even in the times of rain and darkness, endurance and faith will get you through to the sunshine again. I'm not going to write much more about that one other than to say that it was placed on my altar and I smile every time I see it.

This weekend had me thinking of various times in my life. When a friendship was still new, when I still believed in fairy tale endings, when I was oblivious to the hurts that come with living, when my mom was still alive, when my children were still little, when... so many things. With those thoughts it occurred to me that I still have so much to do and so many dreams to reach for. I hope I always remember to live with the vitality and vivaciousness I felt this weekend.

Namasté.

It's Monday?

I don't feel like it's been a whole week already. Perhaps because I've been staying busy. Most of my busy-ness has been in my head, but it was still there.

Physically, this week was mostly about resting, stretching, and eating lots of veggies. I was certain I'd feel up to beginning the C25K again this week, but there is one small issue. I had a broken tooth removed on Friday and woke this morning to throbbing. Which is aggravating since it was fine all weekend. After a little research it sounds a little like dry socket. No big deal since I have plenty of clove oil.

The kittens are growing so much and I was able to get some video of them playing in the box. I am looking forward to having them settled in their new homes even though I know it will still be a little while yet.

My mind is a little numb this morning (lack of sleep and strange dreams), so I will end this with good wishes for you all.

Changes on the horizon

There are so many changes coming up in my life and I'm not even sure where to start. Most of them scare the crap out of me, but more and more I am seeing the wondrous possibilities in these changes. The opportunity for growth and stronger connections. The potential for a deeper relationship with those I love. And, the promise of a better feeling of Self.

One of these changes is my thought on running. A dear friend has been running for a little while now and I've cheered her on with the knowledge that I'd never do that, but I was so happy for her. But then she started talking about running through the woods and how wonderful that was. It sounded nice but I still didn't see myself doing that. Then the dreams started. Good ones this time, of me running through the woods. Of me feeling a deep, spiritual connectedness to the Earth around me. After a few of these dreams I knew that I had to at least try. And so, I started the Couch to 5k (C25K) program. At first I wasn't even able to keep up with that first week schedule. That's a bit sad, but it's true. But I kept going and on Saturday I walked/ran in my first 5k. I told almost no one. April knew since she's the one who helped me through a lot of it. Brianna knew because she lives with me and it's kind of hard to hide the fact that I'm not walking on the treadmill. I didn't tell my Ravelry folks until Sunday (the 24th). By then I was sure the most important people knew about it (turns out to not be the case, but I didn't know that), so I felt okay with telling my group. One of my club members decided to come and cheer me on and that was really cool. I didn't tell anyone on Facebook until after the event and Brianna actually told everyone before I did.

And now? Now I would like to be outside, getting my body more used to running. Now I'm looking forward to being able run the entire distance instead of walking part of it. Do I see myself running outside in this town? Nope, it still doesn't appeal to me. For now I have a great imagination and a treadmill and that will have to do until I'm in a better place.

Another change isn't mine to tell yet, but it will affect my life significantly. In many good ways and a couple of not-so-great ways. But there is an immense amount of hope and faith going into it. For now, I'm looking at it as another aspect of this decade being On Fire.

And, that leaves the scheduled changes:

~ Brianna can get a driving permit now. She doesn't really seem that enthused about it, but it's still a milestone for her. I'll be taking her to the BMV on the 11th to get everything taken care of. Then starts the fun of parking lot driving. Since we have only my Jeep, she will be learning a manual transmission which is awesome.

~ I'll be renewing my driving license and plates very soon, too. I wavered a little about keeping my personalized plates. It's an expense I don't need, of course. But the smile they bring me when I see them? I think it's worth it.

~ The kittens are growing nicely and are just starting to get the fuzzy-cute look to them. I'm going to be introducing Nala to the rest of the house pretty soon so that she learns more about indoor living. I'm nervous for my own cats since Nala is a tough little thing, but I want her to have a good home soon and more people would be likely to take her if she can get along with others. At this point, two kittens have a home and I'm sure the others will find homes soon after I start posting more pictures.

~ This one isn't really a scheduled change, but a good life-change anyway. I have been studying more about herbs lately and have been able to make some changes to my arnica blend. I found two more herbs that will help with muscle pain. I also am taking a course in crystal healing that is based on the science of the crystals' vibrations. So far it's pretty cool. There are other course I want to take later and I know I will enjoy them. Do I care about a degree? No, not in the least. But the learning is fun. And important to my health.

May you all find peace and wisdom in the changes coming your way.
Namasté.

New starts

It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, don't worry, the world is still turning and some great things have been happening in most areas of my life.

There are new business ideas bouncing around my head, new fitness goals running through my legs, new creative projects springing up in my fingertips, and so much more.

My picture today is the top of a pineapple that I had the pleasure of enjoying this weekend. I had the idea that I could try growing my own. I did try this once before, without success, but this time might be a lot better. What you see is a jar of air. From all that I've read, the base is supposed to dry out, then you root it in water. I'll be adding just a touch of rooting hormone to the water to help the roots along, then, when it reaches the right rootedness, I'll put it in a pretty pot. My hope is that it will produce fruit in about 3 years.

The summer schedule is underway and the days now begin at 4:30. This is when there is the most peace of the day, I think. It will be a little challenging balancing out the two work schedules along with my personal schedule. The work can overlap a lot (and does, of course) since neither job requires my full attention at all times. The personal schedule is a little more snug since I have a deadline and I have to shift it day to day around work. Still, I'm determined.

In the meantime, the house is quiet and I have more projects to start.

May you all have a blessed day.

Possibilities

The last two weeks haven't been the best. Certainly not the worst, but definitely not the best. Between stress with personal matters, worries about finances, health issues and so many other things that tried to drag me down, I found myself in need of some spiritual healing.

I took time to write out my thoughts, all the things I was angry about, all the things that hurt me, and all the things I felt were missing in my life. While I was writing them all out, I thought about how I felt about the way my life was heading. Changes need to be made. Plain, simple, truthful. I will not allow myself to sit in this space any longer.

What will I do? Well, I already started it. After writing all the negative stuff out on paper, I showered and spent some time sitting outside in the sun. I could feel the warmth easing some of the muscle tension and energizing my soul. When the moment felt right, I took fresh sheets of paper and began writing again. This time I wrote of the things I wanted to attract into my life. Thing that I knew I deserved, that I knew were achievable. I didn't write of material things (although getting the bills paid every month is certainly something I'd like to attract), instead I wrote of dreams I once cherished, goals I'd laid aside, hopes I'd once harboured in my heart. These things, that I'd forgotten, came to life under my fingers.

I still have some decisions to make, but I have faith, now, that I can make them with an open heart.

Longer days

Oh, how the sunlight beckons me! And yet, the wind chills me in a way I didn't feel through the winter. Perhaps it is the tiredness from dream-filled nights. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. Who knows?

I sent a note to my Dad last week about my big change (some of you already know about it, others will know when it's finalized). He was interested in knowing how and why I came to that decision. I'm thinking I should type it out and send it to a few other people, if they ask.

~

I haven't written in a couple days mainly due to being tired. This morning, however (Friday) I woke knowing that I'd not dreamed. Or, at least, I don't remember them. I actually feel like I got enough sleep for a change, even though it was a short night. I hope tonight is the same.

I got a treadmill yesterday! Yes, I'm pretty excited about it. I've been riding the bike since December 1 and have been doing fairly well with it. Now, it's time to work the muscles a little differently. I know it will take a little getting used to, but I'm looking forward to using it a lot.

~

Oh! I have this fabulous idea! And I have an idea of how to make it work. But how will the colors look once they are knitted or crocheted? How will the items work? I think it's time to rally some crafting troops and see what happens. At best I'll get a few people to help me out with this. At worst, they will send me good thoughts and cheer me on. It's a winning situation all around.

(By the day's end I realized that I had troops aplenty! What a beautiful group of women!)

~

I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open, but I want to get this out before I tell my loved ones good night.

I spent today mostly outdoors. The early afternoon was spent gathering dandelions (Kevin has a humongous yard, and a good portion of it is far from automobile exhaust and anything else detrimental to health). I am not sure what recipe I'll be trying out, but they will certainly get put to good use. After I filled up the bowl, I sat in the sun with Kevin's grandson, Demetrius. At one point he decided that I needed more flowers and began decorating my legs with them. What a cool kid.

Kevin was doing some yard work and called us over to see something. It was a toad! How cool it is to see such creatures right there in the yard. After I got a couple pictures and Demetrius looked at it, the toad tried to dig himself in even further.

Even though this was the first Easter I spent without any blood-related people, it was a great day.

~

Today I start dyeing with a new idea! I'm so very excited about this. My new equipment will finish arriving today (some of it came on Saturday) and I am ready to get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all the samples shipped out so that the projects can get started. This is so exciting!

I also am looking forward to a couple knitting ideas I have for a very special skein of yarn. Before I start that one, though, I will be finishing up a few other projects (socks & scarf).

This will be a great week!

Spring restlessness

Ah, here it is; that restlessness that I get when the days begin to lengthen and the temperatures rise. I want to leave again. Just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas, fill it up and drive again (granted, that isn't very far with a Jeep, but still). It's not always easy to deal with this feeling and I can only hope those around me will keep their patience with me as I muddle through this. I wonder if this is what causes some people to abandon their children or cheat on their spouses. Something to think about, I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave Brianna & Kevin behind, nor would I just pick up and go without some sort of plan. It's just the desire for change. For something other than this town. I know that I still have goals to reach. I know I have other things to consider. It's just a passing drive to go... anywhere.

~

The dreams are still strong and disturbing. How is it that I dream like this so clearly? The last time this happened was... March 2008 (when I got my CCW). I was getting to the point where I was more tired when I woke in the morning than I was when I went to sleep. And now. The dreams don't seem to have any real pattern, just like last time. Mostly filled with the feeling of dread, of sadness, and of betrayal. I don't remember what I did last time to make the dreams stop, but I'll be trying out some things until they end and I can go back to my normal dreaming.

~

I got a pleasant surprise yesterday afternoon. The scale hasn't changed in weeks, but I took my measurements and found that my waist had decreased by 2.5"! I was doing a happy dance, I will admit. I'm glad there is some measurable change and not just the fact that my muscles feel stronger.

Today was a great day financially, too. All my taxes were completed and submitted and I do not owe anything. Whew! I will be getting a little bit and already have plans for it. A new skein-winder & ball-winder for the shop, a trip to Asheville, and possibly a lawnmower. Or a treadmill. I'm leaning toward the treadmill. We'll see.

~

I finally watched Casablanca! (Thank you, Kevin!) It was pretty good and I learned where dozens of lines came from. Wow, I should have watched it much sooner. Still, it was very nice.

The weekend was mostly pleasant and I did my best to relax. I'm still holding the sleeplessness and restlessness at bay for now. I think it still tinged the weekend with a little tension, though. Even so, I laughed and loved and was able to release it all for a bit.

I don't know if I can convey how important it is to know that I can lean on someone and they won't pull away. I am a strong person and have relied on myself most of my adult life, but when I'm tired and dream-weary, I have a tendency to withdraw. The laughter over the weekend helped so much with that.

~

I was awake way too early today. It was partially my own fault for going to bed last night so early (shortly after 8). I did try to go back to sleep, instead I lay there, my mind swirling around too much. Even the meditation music didn't help. So now I'm awake and finishing this post. And I have nothing profound to write about.

I finished my sweater on Saturday. It looks lovely and I'm looking forward to wearing it next winter. I'll overdye it pretty soon to even out some of the color but that's all that's needed. In the meantime, I'm continuing my journey across Middle Earth, continuing the strength training, and continuing to explore new recipes (today will be homemade almond butter). And, I will continue finding new inspirations.

May you all have a blessed week.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.