Post a day?

I'm currently taking part in a crafty picture-a-day bit of fun and am enjoying it so far. I know that a part of my challenge is following it through to the end. I've been great at starting these things only to let it dwindle within a couple of weeks. But I'm saying that it's different now. Why? Because I will make it so.

Another woman (you really should check out her blog) put up this image a couple of days ago and I was thinking pretty hard about the prompts. But, I couldn't think of anything that would be "right" for the pictures. Only words. And so... I'm going to post each day based on the prompt. I'm going to be using this as a kickstart to getting this blog more current, more vibrant, and more On Fire.

Since I'm a few days late in getting started, I'll combine the first five days here:

One: Advent

I will admit that I don't have a clear understanding of what Advent is. I didn't attend church when I was young except for the occasional trip with Grammie or something like that. When I was about fourteen I was given the opportunity to visit a variety of churches so that I could find one that I liked. I ended up choosing the Peoria Presbyterian Church because of the way everyone felt like they knew each other, it was small, and the pastor and his family were pretty cool. Even though I attended every Sunday and even had a big part of the VBS, I didn't learn the particulars of each season. The basics, yes, but not the finer details.

So I looked up what "advent" means.

ad·vent

ˈadˌvent/

noun

noun: advent; plural noun: advents

1.

the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event.

2. Advent

   a. The liturgical period preceding Christmas, beginning in Western churches on the fourth Sunday before Christmas and in Eastern churches in mid-November, and observed by many Christians as a season of prayer, fasting, and penitence.

I'll be honest, that didn't really help me to understand. But I gave it some thought and broke it down in a way that resonated with me. "The arrival" of something notable. That could mean so many different things to each person. To me, it meant the coming of a time to learn more about my own Self. The same Self that I'd set aside because she didn't fit the role of what I thought was supposed to be. The same Self that was dwindling with each passing year. The same Self that wanted to fly and sing and dance. For many, this is a time of prayer and thoughtfulness. I will be using it for meditation, journaling, and growing.

Two :Wait

Waiting isn't easy for me. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it's been that way for a long while now. Currently I am waiting to finish recovering from pneumonia. I've been impatient with the process, angry with my body's slowness and fatigue, and frustrated with my lungs' diminished capacity for deep breathing.

And yet... I'm learning to look at this as a lesson. To slow down, to listen to my limits, to say no when I am already overreaching and overworking. To take better care of my Self. To rest and to recharge. Sometimes waiting is exactly what is needed.

Three: Listen

My days used to be filled with music. I'd turn the radio on in the morning (or set up a few cds or a long playlist on the computer) and not turn it off until I went to bed. Sometimes I'd even set up a soothing bit of music to sleep by. That dwindled somewhat over the years and I missed it so very much. I can't place my finger on a time when I actually stopped turning the music on each day, but I know it's been a long time. On Tuesday (the day this prompt was for), I set up Pandora and left it running all day. It was so nice coming home to a beautiful song! It was also nice having the peace of the music flowing through my house all throughout the day.

Four: Promise

This one was harder to think about. You see, I have a promise inside just for Me. A promise that I cannot share aloud. But it is strong and proud and fierce. I can feel it glowing and growing. For now, I will share this bit... I promise to listen to my intuition and to act on the messages I feel/hear.

Five: Anticipation

In many ways, I've forgotten what anticipation felt like. I can clearly recall worry, wondering at an outcome, and even waiting for someone to show up at the door. But anticipation? That wonder-filled emotion that makes your breath come quicker, brings a smile to your eyes, and sends a tremor of delight through your bones? No, that's been a distant memory for ages. But... I was able to get Brianna a gift for Yule this year. One that she didn't ask for but I know that she wants it dearly. And it arrived yesterday while she was in school. Currently it is wrapped up and sitting on the altar next to the tree we have set up. and that feeling of anticipation began to bloom. I know that she won't care that I spent only a few dollars for it. I know that she won't care that it's not brand new. I also know that she will cherish it and it will bring that sparkle to her eyes. And I can't wait for her to open it. That is my anticipation right now.

Still alive?

Yes, apparently, I am. After dealing with a bout of bacterial pneumonia and learning to listen to my body's limitations while healing, I'm now able to take a deeper breath without coughing. Not as deep as I normally do, but so much better than the shallow breathing I've had to do for over a week & a half.

I've been thinking so much lately! During the hours that I have been awake (yes, I learned that naps are necessary to healing), I have been thinking about this blog (and my others), the story I want to write for my Dad, my journal, and some of my other stories. There are many ideas rumbling in my mind and I feel a need to get them out, onto paper or the computer.

I won't be starting this blog back up today, but there is a wonderful post in the making and I'll share it with you all as soon as I have focused long enough to get it out here.

I hope you are all doing well!

Settled in...

Well, everything has been put away and things have settled back into a routine. My days are as busy as ever and I feel pretty happy with the daily accomplishments most of the time. Still, there are times  when I think about sleeping the day away.

But then I remember how much I have to do or want to do, and I know that a nap would not be an option.

I'm over the weird cold I had and am looking forward to becoming more active in the workouts. Last week was a bit of a bust. But I know that I will still have enough time to achieve my goals.

-

Oddly enough, I'm not feeling that much inspiration to write much else today. I've been busy with some clearing out, some journaling, some candles, and more. Other than that, there is nothing new to mention.

I do hope you all have a beautiful week!

Quiet...

Sometimes the week passes without a grand occurrence. No hugely special event to mark its passing. This past week was a series of small events which, by themselves mean very little. And even when they are added up, their meaning is pretty insignificant.

Except that they are parts of my life. Parts that will be a memory in the years to come. Things to look back on and smile. Or frown. Or become contemplative about.

We started the mandatory school shopping last week. I have only complaints about the required clothing, so I won't go into detail. Brianna still needs shoes and we will be getting those this weekend. At this point we still have no idea what classes she will be in. I've called the school and they don't know. School starts on Monday. Yes, I have more to say about that, but I'll vent elsewhere.

I found a wondrous thing at the thrift store the other day! Books, in excellent shape, and on my "to buy" list. The ones that make me smile most? The Sevenwaters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. I know there are now more books in that series, but the first three are the ones I fell in love with.

A repair to the Jeep was completed. While we were working on the lighting and the door Kevin noticed that he could see daylight through a crack on the floor where the driver seat was bolted in. After a more thorough examination it was pretty clear that both front seats were not really secure anymore. Luckily there is a welder in the family (Kevin's nephew) and that was fixed this past weekend. The relief I feel because of that is a lot stronger than I thought, but... well, after discovering the cracks I had a few bad dreams about seeing my passenger go through the front window.

There are other small things... repairs to some of the yarn equipment, banging my head on the Jeep, a haircut, a cool microscope from a yard sale, movies on the weekend, the arrival of my awesome mug, cooler weather, the passing of a life, the gathering of thoughts, journaling, knitting, ... so much Life when you think about it one way, so little if you think about it a different way. I choose the former. After all, even the quiet moments make up the tapestry of my life and they should be cherished, too.

Namasté.

the only constant...

This has been a very strange week of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows, fears and discoveries.

The fears could be laughable in someone else's eyes, but they are there just the same. It was only this morning that I realized why some of the fears are overwhelming at times. "I expect the bad experiences from my past to be repeated because I am the only constant," she said. I sat a little while and absorbed that thought. Then I thought some more about why that resonated so strongly within me. And, it's because it is true.

It’s hard letting go of the past hurts because I’m the only one that went through them all. Three dads who walked away, an abusive mother, a husband who turned to drugs, a boyfriend who did the same, another who walked away from the relationship… it makes a person think that they are the one who isn’t right. It pushes the awesomeness aside and points to all the flaws in your own Being. It causes some part of us to believe that we deserve the self-hate and the hurt. I can logically tell myself that I don’t deserve it, but unless it manifests in my heart, it will be harder to live hate-free. And Fear-free. Yes, even now there are fears I have that sometimes try to take over the wonderful person that I am. Those fears tell me that I'm not deserving of this person's friendship or that person's love or this person's Truth.

And, I feel despair at times. There are so few people who I have shared those moments with. In fact, I could probably name them on my mother's right hand and still have some fingers left over (her forefinger was amputated). And in that very precious few, only one knows most of the fears and negativity (no one knows them all) and still loves me and hasn't walked away.

So... what to do about this? Try a little harder to believe in the fact that I am a good person. Try to believe more in the fact that others see something wonderful in me. Try a little harder to let go of the hurts caused by someone else. And, mostly, try a lot harder to keep believing in Me.

I am choosing to celebrate the  wonderful aspects of my Life.

Possibilities

The last two weeks haven't been the best. Certainly not the worst, but definitely not the best. Between stress with personal matters, worries about finances, health issues and so many other things that tried to drag me down, I found myself in need of some spiritual healing.

I took time to write out my thoughts, all the things I was angry about, all the things that hurt me, and all the things I felt were missing in my life. While I was writing them all out, I thought about how I felt about the way my life was heading. Changes need to be made. Plain, simple, truthful. I will not allow myself to sit in this space any longer.

What will I do? Well, I already started it. After writing all the negative stuff out on paper, I showered and spent some time sitting outside in the sun. I could feel the warmth easing some of the muscle tension and energizing my soul. When the moment felt right, I took fresh sheets of paper and began writing again. This time I wrote of the things I wanted to attract into my life. Thing that I knew I deserved, that I knew were achievable. I didn't write of material things (although getting the bills paid every month is certainly something I'd like to attract), instead I wrote of dreams I once cherished, goals I'd laid aside, hopes I'd once harboured in my heart. These things, that I'd forgotten, came to life under my fingers.

I still have some decisions to make, but I have faith, now, that I can make them with an open heart.

Deep changes

I can feel so many changes in the winds! Some I am nervous about, while others bring me a sense of excitement.

I woke this morning around 2 with a storm moving in. I did the normal routine: check for weather alerts, debate sending a text to Kevin, check the candle, check the sleeping child, check the cats, watch the lightning for a little bit, lay back down. I love storms. and the energy they bring. I know I'm usually a little tired during the following days, but I wouldn't sleep through them if I could.

Tuesdays are generally fun for me since I spend time with the dyes and "play". What will come out of the pots? I'm usually surprised with the color combinations that happen. Today felt like it needed to be spring colors.

-

Thursday: Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but I had to come to terms with something I didn't want. Instead of looking at this as a negative I'm going to hold onto some words that were said to me and see this as a positive step to my good health.

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Some storms are just more awesome than others. Last night it hailed and the energy helped to create a playful mood. Afterward, the thunder continued rumbling and creating energy surges. Yes, it was another sleep-short night, but it was definitely well worth it.

Today's shop update will be filled with the new colors and I hope my customers like them as much as I do. Several skeins are going into the bin for Tour de Sock since I'm one of the event sponsors again. The winners last year were pretty happy with the prizes and I'm hoping they will be again.

-

Monday: The weekend was filled with some pretty cool events. Brianna's first pair of track shoes were bought, time spent talking with Kevin, time spent with other family members, good journaling, and knitting. There are moments in my life when I truly believe it can't get better. Then I think of how wondrous the future will be and I know that I am going to love every bit of it. Hard times, good times, I'm looking forward to them all.

Tomorrow will be another big step for me. Some of you already know about it, and the rest will know very soon. Ostara. Six weeks after that will be Beltane. Both are powerful celebrations for Pagans and they both will have a special meaning for me. I look forward to telling you all about it.

For now, I hope you all have a chance to enjoy the beauty of Spring.

Homecoming...

Each day I feel myself growing stronger and more comfortable with the power that I once took for granted. Yes, power. Many people will not understand what I'm talking about and I won't go into detail here, but I can feel the strength of it returning. In my muscles, in my breath, in my dreams, in my will. Why did I let it go so many years ago? For reasons that no longer make sense. For reasons I look at now and shake my head about.

I don't feel a need to write each day in here, partly because I'm doing so much other writing. I'm keeping two journals lately, one that I will burn when the time is right and one that will stay with me through the years. The first one is filled with the anguish and anger I'm releasing. In it, I pour out words that would cut and scar the people I'm angry with. These are words that would be remembered for decades and would be so very hard to forgive. These are words that, I know, would make it impossible to remain friends, much less anything more than that. Am I a coward for not telling the people how I feel? Some might think so, but they didn't know me when the Rage took over and I cut loved ones left and right. I've grown past the point of letting the heat spill out and onto those around me, but I've learned that I am not so wise that I no longer feel that acrimony.

The anguish? That stems from the fear of things I can not control. It also comes from the feelings that there were people once who accepted me for all that I was. I miss them more than words can describe. Yes, I miss others who are no longer walking this earth, but they never came to accept me, even though I was of their blood. On my own journey, I'm learning to let go of the hurt. It's not an easy thing, letting go of a lifetime of exclusion. For the most part, the people I currently choose to have in my life have accepted me completely. There are still a few who only seem to accept me if I fit into who they think I am, and when I don't fit into their tiny box, there are conflicts. Those conflicts can cause pain, especially when I care for the person. Still, they need to know that I do not fit into their view of the world. Knowing that I would rather let them go, than to squeeze into that narrowness again is painful.

I know that the ones who mean the most to me do accept me. Well, mostly. I know my Dad is still trying, and I know his heart is wholly open to learning who I am. That means a lot. The others? My children? Kevin? My best friends? They see me in the Light and the Shadows and love me all the more.

-

The day is getting closer to Anthony's arrival. I can write of it here simply because this won't even be published until after he's here. We're going to watch it at my place early Saturday morning. Yes, yes, I know it will most likely be a non-event and I probably won't even be able to tell which one is Anthony, but in my heart I will know that he's getting off that plane. I will know that one of those young men will be my son returning to the US. I can't even begin to tell you how special that is.

-

The house is quiet right now. Anthony left Afghanistan two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not worried, though. I know that he won't have access to the internet or anything else like that for a while.

There is an expectation hovering around me. I can feel it rising and falling with the hours. I am hoping that sleep will not be elusive. I don't feel tired, but I know that I need to rest. I think I'll read in bed for a while. And breathe.

-

So, I just got an email saying that Anthony is in Kyrgyszstan (that's the name on the map). That still is so far away! And he's supposed to arrive in the morning?! How is that possible?

-

I was right about the non-event yesterday, but Anthony called around 9 in the morning and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice without the delay as the call was sent around the globe. I felt pretty good about not being overly emotional about it all throughout the day. There were texts from family sent to Anthony, postings on Ravelry and Facebook, emails, love sent out... The day was filled with love. I'm not sure how I would have handled it all if I'd been alone. Having someone here to help me stay grounded probably did more to settle my emotions than anything else.

Tonight I'm ready to fall asleep long before I should be. Today was relaxing and quiet. The only real work was moving a bed. I did send a text to April & Kam for their half- and full-marathons and part of me wishes I could have been there to cheer them on, but I think they knew that I was thinking about them both. The rest of the day was just... mellow. And yet, I feel a need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Maybe it is just the relief of knowing that Anthony is finally back. Maybe it is just the release of that tension that has been with me since August. I hope that's all it is.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful Monday.

-

I found out that Anthony won't be home until the end of the month. Ugh. Still, I am happy that so many things were taken care of in such a short time.

Today I spent a portion of my time trying out new colors in the kitchen. Pacasha & I are already planning this month's PS... color and I can't wait to get started on it. I'll be dyeing them tomorrow and hopefully getting them completely ready to go before Friday. In the meantime, I'm also dyeing extra skeins for the Tour-de-Sock. Will this be an annual event? Perhaps. I am looking forward to seeing everyone's new socks this year. I'm also working on extra skeins for the SAFF. I know that's still a long way off, but I'd rather start now instead of rushing later.

Tomorrow I'll be making a new batch of laundry soap. Yes, I do that. I like doing things like that for myself. I know it's so much easier picking up a bottle at the store, but I never claimed to do things the easy way. I'm looking forward to the day when I will have hens again, too. They made me laugh and I miss watching them run across the yard with their waddle, while trying to keep hold of the worm or small snake they'd found before the others could snatch it away.

I remind myself that it will be just a little more time.

Dragons

Last Monday began the year of the dragon. Interestingly enough, it's also supposed to be a water dragon this year. What does that mean? From what I have read (which isn't very much) it means a year of clearer perspective. A year to be gentle with your Self. And know when to let go of things.

This week, I've been practicing that. Not always successfully, but I've been trying.

There are things in my life that cause me a great deal of stress. Having to deal with the new state rules about the daycare, going without a paycheck for a long while (not as long as someone unemployed, of course, but a long time, regardless), dealing with people who bring me only stress... the list goes on. I am choosing to let so much of that go. The daycare I still need, but I am focusing on the Alina Shea Creations so I can let the daycare go. The paycheck finally arrived and it seems the new system is starting to run smoothly. The people are not going to be an active part of my life, and I will not allow their energy to cause me irritation anymore. The other things? Small.

Instead, I am going to remember how much joy there is in my life. I have good friends, I have amazing best friends, I have my children, Kevin, my good health, my creativity, my connection with Spirit. I have Life and Love. I have beauty and strength. I have a lot. That is my focus now.

I will not be posting the weekly "update each day" today, simply because I have spent more time this week journaling, meditating, and getting stronger. I am not going to allow my fears to get the better of me. I am reaching out to the ones I know can help me find my strength.

I will share an accomplishment this week, though. I made it to Rivendell on Friday. Yes, I biked 459 miles in the last 2 months. At that rate I will reach the end of my journey in 26 months. What a glorious way to spend 2  years!

Trying to smile more

Yes, it's been another one of those kinds of weeks. I haven't spent that much time on Ravelry, Facebook or any other areas online. It's not that I don't want to talk with my friends, I just don't want to subject them to some dreariness.

I've been struggling with some feelings of frustration and anger. I know I need to let them go, it's just not as easy as turning off a switch.

There are minor annoyances going on... the ceiling in the hallway is in need of repair (J took it down this weekend and might be able to repair it next weekend), the Jeep's battery cables are corroded (Kevin replaced one and cleaned the heck out of the other, which will have to do until we can get the right part for it), and there are a couple others that won't be posted publicly.

There are really good things, too: I've increased my biking time to an hour a day, the friendship that is tiny and new is still growing, knitting has been good, I had loads of fun dyeing the PS... yarn this month and am looking forward to dyeing the club yarn, I've got my papers lined up for the business stuff, and I've been journaling a lot more.

Next week will be a better update, simply because I'm going to push myself out of this feeling and stop letting the season get to me.

Rain of emotions

The week was full of emotional ups and downs that just seemed to get more and more exhausting as the week progressed. It was crazy.

I was able to spend time away from home this weekend (as I am able to many weekends) and found time to write in my journal. I have so many aspects of my own Self to explore. While I was writing, a lot of the hurt and confusion drained away. That helped my sanity more than anything. I'm now able to remain positive about the challenges I face. I'm able to let go a bit more of the pain I've been in. I'm even a little more sure of the future I face. Is everything completely filled with sunshine and roses? Of course not. Life isn't that way.

I feel better now about one of my friendships. I have no idea what path it will take or what distance the journey will be, but I can now believe that it's in our hands. We are working on it together and will do our best to hold each other up.

I also feel better about another relationship. Sometimes I see division and separation where there is none. A lot of that is caused by the fact that I don't give enough love to my own Self. When the continuance and connectivity is gently pointed out to me, I can step back and accept it again.

So, these were all the things accomplished this week (with a lot of help) that cannot be seen on the surface.

On the surface, there are a few other things that are new.

 

 

Also, the shopping for Sunday's dinner is completed. This was actually a pleasant outing, filled with a surprise dinner, laughter, friendship, fresh veggies, and Love. Yep, the shopping was not horrid this year.

I hope you are all able to enjoy the beauty in your lives. I hope you are also able to see the blessings you each have.