Catching up

Day fourteen: Star

The stars, the stars. Oh, how bright they'll shine, on that home that we build in the meadow.

Since I was a very young child I have been fascinated by the stars. I can remember traveling somewhere late in the night and looking up into the sky at the stars and wondering why they seemed to stay with us. I have no idea where we were going or coming from, only that I usually fell asleep with the stars in my dreams. Even when I was a little older (around 12 or so) my bed was positioned in such a way that I could look up as I drifted off.

I don't know that many constellations or even which stars are in the hemisphere, but I've always been able to pick out the Three Braves and the Bear, the Hunter, the Dragon. Occasionally I can find others, but it's not the imaginings of others that interest me the most, it's the wonder of the stars themselves. The distance, their size, and their beauty.

Day fifteen: Nature

Nature has always held a very important role in my life. From watching a mama "horny toad" with her babies in a Texas back yard to seeing the graceful swoop of a bald eagle in flight on the Huron River, I've always been able to feel a sense of wonder at the wildlife around me. Perhaps that is part of why I wanted to live in the mountains so much... there were more animals than people.

I could go one about this subject, but I think it would be a whole post an I do need to shower and get ready to sleep.

Day sixteen: Cycle

Each time the days shorten to nearly nothing I've felt a pull to slow down and really take a look at my life. At the same time I feel a great need to create something new and wonderful. In the years past I've used that fire to design a couple of sweaters. They both were fabulous in their own ways and I love them. Last year I was hit with another design, but haven't yet put it to paper. But it's there, building and waiting.

Around the Solstice I usually take time to be alone. I'm not sure how that will happen this year, but I will do what I can to make it so. Generally, I sit in silence and think about the longest night and how the Earth is shifting and tilting to give us the cycle of seasons. I think about the position of the planets around us and the cycle of the sun. I think about the animals sleeping soundly and the birds flitting from tree to tree. I think about Life and Death and how it all spirals around us, each day.

Rising slowly...

Have you missed me?

I can't say that the last few months have been fabulous, but neither have they been horrible. I've been struggling with some hurts and decisions and the direction I want my life to be heading. This is never an easy task and one made even more difficult when there are other lives intertwined with mine. I have my children to think about. Granted, one is now an adult and can take care of himself and the other is nearly an adult and will soon be out on her own. But they are still considered with the decisions I make, especially the really big ones. I have others, too, but their part is too vast in this to even attempt the task of narrowing it down to mere words.

I had withdrawn into my deepest Self at the end of February. The reasons for that are my own and I've only shared them with one person. I may never share them with other people, but that could change over time. As everything can, and always does, change. During this time, I had been thinking about how I let other people affect me. I'd been contemplating prescription medication (yeah, really). I'd been trying to figure out what I should fight for and what I should let go of. In the middle of it all my spark of Light and Hope flickered to nearly nothing and I almost gave up everything. Don't get me wrong, I'd never end my life or anything like that, but there are other ways to give up. One is to give up that brilliance that we all have inside. To give that up means that you just go from day to day following the routine, smiling when it's appropriate, answering the questions people ask you, and never allowing the beauty of the world to really touch your soul. To me, that is a far deeper death than the cessation of bodily life.

During this time of sheltering my Self, there were only a few moments of emotional connection and they brought on such a rush of chaos or pain that I broke down and cried. Some of those times I didn't merely shed a few tears, I sobbed so fiercely that I thought I'd break in two. And, when the words I spoke were misunderstood or even ignored by those around me, I stepped back into my cave.

I read the various "words of wisdom" that were splashed in my books, across Facebook, and written in other places and I tried to figure out how they fit into my life. Fight for what you believe in. Let go of the struggle. Live your life to the fullest. Find gratitude in the life you have. Eliminate the toxic people from your life. Forgive those who cause you pain. Hold on. Let go. Smile. Cry. Be at peace. Let the rage wash over you. Don't give up. Accept your fate.Where is the enlightenment in the middle of so many conflicting messages? Which answers really fit the Life I want to give to myself? What choices do I make?

Part of me realized that there is a need for all of those bits of wisdom. During some parts of my life I will need to forgive the hurts and keep those people around, during others I will need to forgive and walk away without looking back. At some points I will need to smile and let joy shine through, at others I will need to cry and let the rage boil over. All of these are vital to a life lived to the best of my ability. I deserve nothing less than that.

I knew something had to change so I started working on some things that would help my future be a little more stable. Each day I worked on something that would benefit my life in some way or another. Some days it was making sure I meditated. Many days it was dyeing extra yarns. Once in a while it was letting myself just stare out the window at the birds in the back yard for a little while. Regardless of what it was that I did, I made sure it was done with reverence for the gift of Life that I had been given.

Yesterday a lot of those things coalesced into a fabulous day of celebrations. The money for my CCW permit, the filing of my business registration, the completion of one of my healer's certifications, the order placed for more shipping labels, the lunch with my son, the requirement met for the new team in Nerd Wars, and, perhaps most important, the support I felt from my loved ones and my friends.

Are there still pieces of my life that are in shambles? Yes, of course. But I have come to realize that it's not entirely up to me to rebuild what has been shattered. Some things that have been broken need repairs from other people, too. My job is to live my life with the integrity that I know I am capable of, with the bravery I know I have inside me, and with the dedication to what I believe in that I know I have the capacity for. (Hah! I just realized that the antonyms for those are honor, courage, and commitment... yes, I find that amusing, considering that the first 28 years of my life I thought bad things about the Marine Corps.)

And now? Now I am taking the time to breathe. And to Shine just a little bit until I feel stable again with all the emotions.

Indian Summer

Do you know what the term "Indian Summer" means? It's a period of unseasonably warm (and dry) weather that comes after a killing frost. We had the frost and now we are having warm weather, albeit a little wet.

Did you also know that it means a period of happiness or success late in life? I didn't, but it makes a lot of sense. I'm still mulling that one over, but I like it a lot. How much frost and cold and death do we experience as we get older? The day to day struggle, the sorrow of our children growing up and leaving home, the loss of loved ones and friends. In the middle of it all we are also blessed with finding new ways to be successful, the joy and pride of seeing our children making it on their own, and welcoming new lives and friends.

This past week has been a lot of struggle for me. It's not often that I feel maudlin about my mother's passing, but this last week I did. There are things going on in my life that I'd like to tell her about. Successes, lessons learned, the beauty and love that I feel for my own children, the pride I have in myself for not being a charity case... and so much more.

Often I am enjoying new adventures and I feel so much amazement at most of them. This weekend? Well, I used the winch on the Jeep to help bring down a tree, but the best part of the day was climbing the side of a very steep hill with Brianna. It was a little scary at many points simply because the ground was still waterlogged, there was a thick layer of damp leaves over loads of acorns, and neither of us were wearing proper shoes. But when we reached the top, it felt amazing to know that we did it with no major injuries. And the memory of the look on Brianna's face was something I will carry with me for the rest of my years as a wonderful blessing.

I've been pushing myself in other ways, too. The exercising, for example. I ramped up to an hour each day (split into 30 minute sessions) and on Friday I reached Lothlorien with a total of 921.6 Miles. I was so excited by that milestone! I know I still have many more to go, but I am looking forward to continuing this journey.

At the end of this day, I am looking forward to falling asleep and hoping that the people I love will wake tomorrow with a smile in their hearts and a liveliness to their steps.

Namasté.

Quiet...

Sometimes the week passes without a grand occurrence. No hugely special event to mark its passing. This past week was a series of small events which, by themselves mean very little. And even when they are added up, their meaning is pretty insignificant.

Except that they are parts of my life. Parts that will be a memory in the years to come. Things to look back on and smile. Or frown. Or become contemplative about.

We started the mandatory school shopping last week. I have only complaints about the required clothing, so I won't go into detail. Brianna still needs shoes and we will be getting those this weekend. At this point we still have no idea what classes she will be in. I've called the school and they don't know. School starts on Monday. Yes, I have more to say about that, but I'll vent elsewhere.

I found a wondrous thing at the thrift store the other day! Books, in excellent shape, and on my "to buy" list. The ones that make me smile most? The Sevenwaters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. I know there are now more books in that series, but the first three are the ones I fell in love with.

A repair to the Jeep was completed. While we were working on the lighting and the door Kevin noticed that he could see daylight through a crack on the floor where the driver seat was bolted in. After a more thorough examination it was pretty clear that both front seats were not really secure anymore. Luckily there is a welder in the family (Kevin's nephew) and that was fixed this past weekend. The relief I feel because of that is a lot stronger than I thought, but... well, after discovering the cracks I had a few bad dreams about seeing my passenger go through the front window.

There are other small things... repairs to some of the yarn equipment, banging my head on the Jeep, a haircut, a cool microscope from a yard sale, movies on the weekend, the arrival of my awesome mug, cooler weather, the passing of a life, the gathering of thoughts, journaling, knitting, ... so much Life when you think about it one way, so little if you think about it a different way. I choose the former. After all, even the quiet moments make up the tapestry of my life and they should be cherished, too.

Namasté.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.