A long, long time ago...

I can still remember...

Today is Tuesday, May 1, 2012CE. I left home 23 years ago and never went back. It was rough going and I was terrified that night, but I'd made the choice to leave, to set out on my own and do the best I could. There were moments when I was sure I was going to fail. Moments when I was so certain I'd have to crawl back with my head hung in shame. Instead, I thrived and grew and learned to support myself and slowly, so very slowly, I became strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, to become the woman I am, and am becoming.

I thought about writing a little about why I left home so early and what transpired before I took flight, but it doesn't all matter now. Now is more than two decades later. Does my past influence my present? Of course, but it's not important right now to dredge up some of those memories. There were a lot of good ones, and I might write of those someday. There were a lot of bad ones, and I chose to learn from them so I can be a better person.

Wednesday - What a strange day this is. I heard a voice on the air when I stepped outside. No, I'm not joking or making it up. I heard a voice. It was a male voice telling me to stop worrying so much and that it would be alright.

Thursday - Once again I'm up long before the alarm sounds. The world feels hushed right now. Not the normal hush of a sleeping world, but one holding its breath, waiting for the hammer to fall. Such are my thoughts... I am choosing to release that for now and do something soothing... I think I'll knit some of the most challenging lace I've encountered so far.

Saturday - And so it comes to this. It was brought to my attention that I'd done something that hurt those most dear to me. It wasn't intentional, to be sure, but it was done, nonetheless. When I was told about it I was stunned that I could be that unthinking.

What could be so bad? I failed to tell them a very important part of me. I'm not going to get into the details, but there was a bit of information that I'd not shared with them. And it hurt them. True, the younger ones shrugged it off and said it was "okay", but I know they only did that so I didn't feel bad. I let them know that it wasn't okay and that I'd made a big mistake by not thinking about it, by not even comprehending that I'd done this. As for the older one? The one I've chosen to be with through all kinds of crap and awesomeness? He told me that he knew it wasn't done out of maliciousness and hugged me.

I think of myself as a good person, one who thinks about others, one who does her best to make sure her loved ones have what they need... and yet, I am not perfect. I know that I cause hurt to the ones I love most.

Still, the ones I'd hurt forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. For that I am ever grateful. They hold me in high regard and I hope to not let them down... or, at least, do the best that I can.

Monday - The rain is moving in and I'm wishing to be somewhere else... and yet, there is a new shipment of yarn calling to me... new colors, new yarn bases, new ideas and hopes. Writing, too, that must be done. Stories that must be told and shared with those who don't know, those who missed it all. Papers to file, records to be updated...

I'm a little more at peace this morning than I've been for the whole week. Communication is vital to Life. It is more vital than food, sometimes. Love is vital to Life. Without it, we are walking around empty. Faith is vital to Life. Faith in our loved ones, in ourselves, in our Creator, in the knowledge that it will be alright.

Fire is vital to Life. Fire to create, to see beauty in all that surrounds us, to appreciate the best of moments. Fire to dream, to aspire, to achieve. Fire to be passionate about life. Fire to Love.

May you all have a day filled with Fire.

What's in a name?

Earlier today I had a hearing in the probate court to finalize my name change. This is pretty exciting for me since I've been thinking about it for a few years (before I changed my surname). This name means a lot to me, and those who are closest to me have already been calling me by it.

I know that there will be people out there who will never understand my need for doing this and that's okay. They never understood me in the first place.

Now it's time to move forward with some other areas of my life that have been placed on hold for a while. Business changes, personal changes, and others that I will write about as they happen. Suffice it to say that there are wonderful and life-altering events on my horizon and, as frightening as some of them might be, I'm looking forward to each and every one of them.

Socks!

Wednesday - I attended a business seminar this morning. It's part of a government something-or-other that helps small businesses. I found out that they are there ot help out, free of charge, to anyone who wants it. For once I can see where our tax dollars are doing something good. Not just because I will benefit from it, but because it's helping people who are thinking about the future.

Anyway, I learned a bit about becoming a LLC and a bit about taxing. I'll be filing lots of stuff in the next several weeks and I'm nervous and excited about it.

There is a small part of me (which I'm doing my best to eliminate) that feels that a business isn't really a business unless you are in debt up to your eyeballs during the first few years. and yet, I've not borrowed a cent for ASC. Any equipment came from saving up or a tax refund. All the yarn up front came from my own money and after that it came from the sales. Same with the dyes and everything else. So I need to squash those thoughts and keep growing as I have been.

Friday - Well, I'm all signed up for the 2012 Tour de Sock. Yes, this is pretty exciting to me. I plan to work on the toughest pattern from last year to get a little practice in and to make sure I can get the socks done in time. I'm determined this year!

Sunday - What a wonderfully relaxing day! You know that the world is a good place when you can spend a day with your loved one and knit. The whole day. I made some progress with the practice sock. At this point I'm pretty sure it won't fit me, but that's not really the point, yet. Right now it's all about practice and getting the technique committed to muscle memory.

Monday - More changes are on the horizon for my business. New yarns, new colors, new ideas. I am so thrilled about some of it.

I'm actually a little tired right now so I'm going to post this and head to bed. I hope you all have a fabulous week!

Busy days

There have been so many days filled with staying busy! I wrote nothing this past week and tonight am tired enough that it doesn't matter. Some of the thoughts going through my head are unkind, other thoughts are filled with light. The shadows worry me simply because I fear the imbalanced nature of my Self. I know that I cannot only hold onto what is positive and bright, but I must also accept the negative and dark.

Still, it is my goal to share much more of the good stuff than the bad. Do I still vent some of the negative? Of course. To the only people who would love me anyway and not sit in judgment. To the only ones who would hear the harsh words and not pull away from me. These are the people who have heard the worst and still are willing to be around me.

For now, I am going to bed and hope that I wake feeling more refreshed in the morning.

Blessings to you all.

Longer days

Oh, how the sunlight beckons me! And yet, the wind chills me in a way I didn't feel through the winter. Perhaps it is the tiredness from dream-filled nights. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. Who knows?

I sent a note to my Dad last week about my big change (some of you already know about it, others will know when it's finalized). He was interested in knowing how and why I came to that decision. I'm thinking I should type it out and send it to a few other people, if they ask.

~

I haven't written in a couple days mainly due to being tired. This morning, however (Friday) I woke knowing that I'd not dreamed. Or, at least, I don't remember them. I actually feel like I got enough sleep for a change, even though it was a short night. I hope tonight is the same.

I got a treadmill yesterday! Yes, I'm pretty excited about it. I've been riding the bike since December 1 and have been doing fairly well with it. Now, it's time to work the muscles a little differently. I know it will take a little getting used to, but I'm looking forward to using it a lot.

~

Oh! I have this fabulous idea! And I have an idea of how to make it work. But how will the colors look once they are knitted or crocheted? How will the items work? I think it's time to rally some crafting troops and see what happens. At best I'll get a few people to help me out with this. At worst, they will send me good thoughts and cheer me on. It's a winning situation all around.

(By the day's end I realized that I had troops aplenty! What a beautiful group of women!)

~

I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open, but I want to get this out before I tell my loved ones good night.

I spent today mostly outdoors. The early afternoon was spent gathering dandelions (Kevin has a humongous yard, and a good portion of it is far from automobile exhaust and anything else detrimental to health). I am not sure what recipe I'll be trying out, but they will certainly get put to good use. After I filled up the bowl, I sat in the sun with Kevin's grandson, Demetrius. At one point he decided that I needed more flowers and began decorating my legs with them. What a cool kid.

Kevin was doing some yard work and called us over to see something. It was a toad! How cool it is to see such creatures right there in the yard. After I got a couple pictures and Demetrius looked at it, the toad tried to dig himself in even further.

Even though this was the first Easter I spent without any blood-related people, it was a great day.

~

Today I start dyeing with a new idea! I'm so very excited about this. My new equipment will finish arriving today (some of it came on Saturday) and I am ready to get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all the samples shipped out so that the projects can get started. This is so exciting!

I also am looking forward to a couple knitting ideas I have for a very special skein of yarn. Before I start that one, though, I will be finishing up a few other projects (socks & scarf).

This will be a great week!

Spring restlessness

Ah, here it is; that restlessness that I get when the days begin to lengthen and the temperatures rise. I want to leave again. Just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas, fill it up and drive again (granted, that isn't very far with a Jeep, but still). It's not always easy to deal with this feeling and I can only hope those around me will keep their patience with me as I muddle through this. I wonder if this is what causes some people to abandon their children or cheat on their spouses. Something to think about, I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave Brianna & Kevin behind, nor would I just pick up and go without some sort of plan. It's just the desire for change. For something other than this town. I know that I still have goals to reach. I know I have other things to consider. It's just a passing drive to go... anywhere.

~

The dreams are still strong and disturbing. How is it that I dream like this so clearly? The last time this happened was... March 2008 (when I got my CCW). I was getting to the point where I was more tired when I woke in the morning than I was when I went to sleep. And now. The dreams don't seem to have any real pattern, just like last time. Mostly filled with the feeling of dread, of sadness, and of betrayal. I don't remember what I did last time to make the dreams stop, but I'll be trying out some things until they end and I can go back to my normal dreaming.

~

I got a pleasant surprise yesterday afternoon. The scale hasn't changed in weeks, but I took my measurements and found that my waist had decreased by 2.5"! I was doing a happy dance, I will admit. I'm glad there is some measurable change and not just the fact that my muscles feel stronger.

Today was a great day financially, too. All my taxes were completed and submitted and I do not owe anything. Whew! I will be getting a little bit and already have plans for it. A new skein-winder & ball-winder for the shop, a trip to Asheville, and possibly a lawnmower. Or a treadmill. I'm leaning toward the treadmill. We'll see.

~

I finally watched Casablanca! (Thank you, Kevin!) It was pretty good and I learned where dozens of lines came from. Wow, I should have watched it much sooner. Still, it was very nice.

The weekend was mostly pleasant and I did my best to relax. I'm still holding the sleeplessness and restlessness at bay for now. I think it still tinged the weekend with a little tension, though. Even so, I laughed and loved and was able to release it all for a bit.

I don't know if I can convey how important it is to know that I can lean on someone and they won't pull away. I am a strong person and have relied on myself most of my adult life, but when I'm tired and dream-weary, I have a tendency to withdraw. The laughter over the weekend helped so much with that.

~

I was awake way too early today. It was partially my own fault for going to bed last night so early (shortly after 8). I did try to go back to sleep, instead I lay there, my mind swirling around too much. Even the meditation music didn't help. So now I'm awake and finishing this post. And I have nothing profound to write about.

I finished my sweater on Saturday. It looks lovely and I'm looking forward to wearing it next winter. I'll overdye it pretty soon to even out some of the color but that's all that's needed. In the meantime, I'm continuing my journey across Middle Earth, continuing the strength training, and continuing to explore new recipes (today will be homemade almond butter). And, I will continue finding new inspirations.

May you all have a blessed week.

Smiles with Life

Tuesday: What a wondrous day! I woke filled with an energy of excitement and felt ready to take on the world. Changes are coming and I am looking forward to it all. There are still people who will need to be told, and I will get to it soon. I think they will believe me even more crazy than they already do, but some will shrug it off as "just the way she is". Others will not be so kind, but they do not matter.

When I talked with my Dad about the change I was making, he was a lot more understanding than I thought he would be. I'm so grateful for that!

Thursday: The weather is too nice to remain indoors and I have been walking in the mornings. My body is still protesting the use of different muscles (from biking), but I'm feeling even more alive. There is a grand beauty in the world sometimes.

Days like today are what I will remember when I have grown old.

Friday: A day to celebrate! And to share with loved ones. Sales are doing well and I'm going to be able to expand my lines a bit. With the way things are going, I will now be able to carry more yarn kits along with the regular updates! That is a really great thing.

On the downside (but not really), we're still muddling through the taxes. My preparer is Rachel and she's so patient and helpful! Last year I just lumped everything together, since I didn't really know better, but she's showing me how to separate everything out into different sections. I'm learning that I will need to completely revamp my spreadsheet, but I'm fine with that. Especially since it will make things a lot easier next year.

My fingers are crossed that I don't owe anything (I didn't make quarterly payments during 2011.)

Monday: The weekend was fabulous! I got to spend it with Kevin and Demetrius, playing with blocks, watching a movie, and looking at trains. I've mixed feelings about being called "Grandma". Part of me feels honored that his parents are teaching Demetrius to call me that, while another part of me feels that it's just not possible. After all, I'm only forty and still feel so alive. After listening to the two of them (Kevin & Demetrius) playing in the early morning, I had this thought: I will be the coolest and most vibrant grandmother I can be. To any and all children who call me Ama (the name I am claiming as a unique and awesome grandmother).

I had a long letter from a friend over the weekend and, when I sat down to read the whole thing without distraction, I was touched by all the love she was sending to me through it. There are still things that I am hurting over, and things I need to make decisions about, but I feel more calm and at peace with myself. I am going to take more time for just thinking and not filling my day with noise and clatter. I need the calm. As much as I need to know that the support is there.

Deep changes

I can feel so many changes in the winds! Some I am nervous about, while others bring me a sense of excitement.

I woke this morning around 2 with a storm moving in. I did the normal routine: check for weather alerts, debate sending a text to Kevin, check the candle, check the sleeping child, check the cats, watch the lightning for a little bit, lay back down. I love storms. and the energy they bring. I know I'm usually a little tired during the following days, but I wouldn't sleep through them if I could.

Tuesdays are generally fun for me since I spend time with the dyes and "play". What will come out of the pots? I'm usually surprised with the color combinations that happen. Today felt like it needed to be spring colors.

-

Thursday: Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but I had to come to terms with something I didn't want. Instead of looking at this as a negative I'm going to hold onto some words that were said to me and see this as a positive step to my good health.

-

Some storms are just more awesome than others. Last night it hailed and the energy helped to create a playful mood. Afterward, the thunder continued rumbling and creating energy surges. Yes, it was another sleep-short night, but it was definitely well worth it.

Today's shop update will be filled with the new colors and I hope my customers like them as much as I do. Several skeins are going into the bin for Tour de Sock since I'm one of the event sponsors again. The winners last year were pretty happy with the prizes and I'm hoping they will be again.

-

Monday: The weekend was filled with some pretty cool events. Brianna's first pair of track shoes were bought, time spent talking with Kevin, time spent with other family members, good journaling, and knitting. There are moments in my life when I truly believe it can't get better. Then I think of how wondrous the future will be and I know that I am going to love every bit of it. Hard times, good times, I'm looking forward to them all.

Tomorrow will be another big step for me. Some of you already know about it, and the rest will know very soon. Ostara. Six weeks after that will be Beltane. Both are powerful celebrations for Pagans and they both will have a special meaning for me. I look forward to telling you all about it.

For now, I hope you all have a chance to enjoy the beauty of Spring.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.

Almost blooming

Yes, I've skipped the last two Mondays. I don't have a particular reason other than the energy just wasn't there. Sometimes that happens and a person just needs a break from things so that they can focus their energy somewhere else. Like personal healing.

Some good things have happened over the last couple weeks. I spent a day in my kitchen trying out new recipes, I pushed myself with my knitting, I pushed myself physically, I even pushed myself emotionally. That last was the hardest. But I am feeling a little better in the space I created for my Self.

There are bright moments when I can feel comfortable in the promises I've heard. Those moments when my heart acknowledges them and starts to accept them. Even through the turmoil of the doubts and fears. Those are the moments I am making more space for. The moments I am letting the sun shine on.

Today's entry will be brief. I have so many thoughts swirling at the same time and I don't want them to come out garbled. Instead, I will send out loving energy to all and hope that your day is filled with peace.