Homecoming...

Each day I feel myself growing stronger and more comfortable with the power that I once took for granted. Yes, power. Many people will not understand what I'm talking about and I won't go into detail here, but I can feel the strength of it returning. In my muscles, in my breath, in my dreams, in my will. Why did I let it go so many years ago? For reasons that no longer make sense. For reasons I look at now and shake my head about.

I don't feel a need to write each day in here, partly because I'm doing so much other writing. I'm keeping two journals lately, one that I will burn when the time is right and one that will stay with me through the years. The first one is filled with the anguish and anger I'm releasing. In it, I pour out words that would cut and scar the people I'm angry with. These are words that would be remembered for decades and would be so very hard to forgive. These are words that, I know, would make it impossible to remain friends, much less anything more than that. Am I a coward for not telling the people how I feel? Some might think so, but they didn't know me when the Rage took over and I cut loved ones left and right. I've grown past the point of letting the heat spill out and onto those around me, but I've learned that I am not so wise that I no longer feel that acrimony.

The anguish? That stems from the fear of things I can not control. It also comes from the feelings that there were people once who accepted me for all that I was. I miss them more than words can describe. Yes, I miss others who are no longer walking this earth, but they never came to accept me, even though I was of their blood. On my own journey, I'm learning to let go of the hurt. It's not an easy thing, letting go of a lifetime of exclusion. For the most part, the people I currently choose to have in my life have accepted me completely. There are still a few who only seem to accept me if I fit into who they think I am, and when I don't fit into their tiny box, there are conflicts. Those conflicts can cause pain, especially when I care for the person. Still, they need to know that I do not fit into their view of the world. Knowing that I would rather let them go, than to squeeze into that narrowness again is painful.

I know that the ones who mean the most to me do accept me. Well, mostly. I know my Dad is still trying, and I know his heart is wholly open to learning who I am. That means a lot. The others? My children? Kevin? My best friends? They see me in the Light and the Shadows and love me all the more.

-

The day is getting closer to Anthony's arrival. I can write of it here simply because this won't even be published until after he's here. We're going to watch it at my place early Saturday morning. Yes, yes, I know it will most likely be a non-event and I probably won't even be able to tell which one is Anthony, but in my heart I will know that he's getting off that plane. I will know that one of those young men will be my son returning to the US. I can't even begin to tell you how special that is.

-

The house is quiet right now. Anthony left Afghanistan two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not worried, though. I know that he won't have access to the internet or anything else like that for a while.

There is an expectation hovering around me. I can feel it rising and falling with the hours. I am hoping that sleep will not be elusive. I don't feel tired, but I know that I need to rest. I think I'll read in bed for a while. And breathe.

-

So, I just got an email saying that Anthony is in Kyrgyszstan (that's the name on the map). That still is so far away! And he's supposed to arrive in the morning?! How is that possible?

-

I was right about the non-event yesterday, but Anthony called around 9 in the morning and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice without the delay as the call was sent around the globe. I felt pretty good about not being overly emotional about it all throughout the day. There were texts from family sent to Anthony, postings on Ravelry and Facebook, emails, love sent out... The day was filled with love. I'm not sure how I would have handled it all if I'd been alone. Having someone here to help me stay grounded probably did more to settle my emotions than anything else.

Tonight I'm ready to fall asleep long before I should be. Today was relaxing and quiet. The only real work was moving a bed. I did send a text to April & Kam for their half- and full-marathons and part of me wishes I could have been there to cheer them on, but I think they knew that I was thinking about them both. The rest of the day was just... mellow. And yet, I feel a need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Maybe it is just the relief of knowing that Anthony is finally back. Maybe it is just the release of that tension that has been with me since August. I hope that's all it is.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful Monday.

-

I found out that Anthony won't be home until the end of the month. Ugh. Still, I am happy that so many things were taken care of in such a short time.

Today I spent a portion of my time trying out new colors in the kitchen. Pacasha & I are already planning this month's PS... color and I can't wait to get started on it. I'll be dyeing them tomorrow and hopefully getting them completely ready to go before Friday. In the meantime, I'm also dyeing extra skeins for the Tour-de-Sock. Will this be an annual event? Perhaps. I am looking forward to seeing everyone's new socks this year. I'm also working on extra skeins for the SAFF. I know that's still a long way off, but I'd rather start now instead of rushing later.

Tomorrow I'll be making a new batch of laundry soap. Yes, I do that. I like doing things like that for myself. I know it's so much easier picking up a bottle at the store, but I never claimed to do things the easy way. I'm looking forward to the day when I will have hens again, too. They made me laugh and I miss watching them run across the yard with their waddle, while trying to keep hold of the worm or small snake they'd found before the others could snatch it away.

I remind myself that it will be just a little more time.

Dragons

Last Monday began the year of the dragon. Interestingly enough, it's also supposed to be a water dragon this year. What does that mean? From what I have read (which isn't very much) it means a year of clearer perspective. A year to be gentle with your Self. And know when to let go of things.

This week, I've been practicing that. Not always successfully, but I've been trying.

There are things in my life that cause me a great deal of stress. Having to deal with the new state rules about the daycare, going without a paycheck for a long while (not as long as someone unemployed, of course, but a long time, regardless), dealing with people who bring me only stress... the list goes on. I am choosing to let so much of that go. The daycare I still need, but I am focusing on the Alina Shea Creations so I can let the daycare go. The paycheck finally arrived and it seems the new system is starting to run smoothly. The people are not going to be an active part of my life, and I will not allow their energy to cause me irritation anymore. The other things? Small.

Instead, I am going to remember how much joy there is in my life. I have good friends, I have amazing best friends, I have my children, Kevin, my good health, my creativity, my connection with Spirit. I have Life and Love. I have beauty and strength. I have a lot. That is my focus now.

I will not be posting the weekly "update each day" today, simply because I have spent more time this week journaling, meditating, and getting stronger. I am not going to allow my fears to get the better of me. I am reaching out to the ones I know can help me find my strength.

I will share an accomplishment this week, though. I made it to Rivendell on Friday. Yes, I biked 459 miles in the last 2 months. At that rate I will reach the end of my journey in 26 months. What a glorious way to spend 2  years!

Shake my petals free...

Monday: I woke around 4 this morning feeling like it was time to wake up. So, I stayed up and had breakfast, then rode the bike for an hour. I feel pretty good that I was able to get it done before the daycare kids got here. This week my goals are to ride for an hour a day, five days. I am feeling pretty confident that I will get it done.

Tuesday: This was another struggle day, but I got on the bike anyway and am happy I did. Afterward I got started on the club yarn. This color is... not anything like I normally do. It's soft and romantic and sweet. Yes, I can hear some of you out there groaning and wondering what is going on. Well, nothing, really. I just wanted something like this to share with the world. Where is the romance any more? Where are the little notes that let someone know that you are thinking about them? Or the simple bouquet of flowers (not necessarily roses, but something to brighten their day)? Or a call out of the blue, just to let your sweetheart know that you are thinking about them? Romance, people. It means a lot.

Am I fishing for flowers & notes? No, I know that my sweetheart loves me. He shows me in so many ways that some people might not recognize, but I do. But there are billions of people on this planet. How many of them can say that they feel loved? Show it.

Anyway, the club yarns are beautiful and I'm looking forward to knitting up something really special with them. And the gifts this month? Oh, so awesome! They were made by one of the club members and they are going to be great for keeping us warm.

Wednesday: Well, the daycare stuff is finally figured out and I should start getting paid again. Luckily, most of the bills & such were already taken care of so we have been holding up quite well. I still am looking forward to the future and I know that someday I will look back on this time and just kind of shake my head and smile, knowing that I made it through.

I've been knitting several items over the last couple weeks. Two pairs of socks, a tool case, and my sweater. I am loving all of these projects simply because of what they represent. The socks are for Kevin, both pairs, and I am very determined to get them finished before the end of the month. The tool case was asked for to protect an expensive meter. The sweater is my goal of size. Yes, I'm a little nervous about knitting something so much smaller than what I am right now, but I know that I will fit into it. I know it will look great on me. And so, I am happy with these projects.

Thursday: I set a new record on the bike today! 18.25 miles and I feel pretty good about it.

There is some snow moving in tonight, but even more tomorrow night. I know there will be complaints about it, but really, it is winter, so what is there to complain about? Now, if you lived in the tropics and were expecting 4-6" of snow, sure, complain all you want. Anyway, I'm kind of looking forward to the snow.

Friday: I woke this morning with a smile. It faded a little when I realized the check I'd been expecting didn't arrive, but I still felt great waking up.

Saturday: Crisp, bright snow all around. And I have only the post office to go to, then out to relax for the weekend.

Sunday: I'm tired today. Brianna has been sick most of the day. In the meantime, Kevin tried to fix the shifter on the Jeep with no luck. So, off to Hiser's it will go tomorrow. Still, for the most part, this day has been pretty good, even with the crazy emotions.

There are some things that I'm more sure of now than I ever was before. Since they are private things, I won't be listing them here, but with this kind of surety for my future, I know that I can step forward with a clear heart, knowing that I've done well and will continue doing my best. And, most important, I will be true to my Self and to my heart. I will continue growing and learning. And I will only allow the things/people in my life that I know I can believe with my heart. Not just their words, but what lies beneath those words.

Trying to smile more

Yes, it's been another one of those kinds of weeks. I haven't spent that much time on Ravelry, Facebook or any other areas online. It's not that I don't want to talk with my friends, I just don't want to subject them to some dreariness.

I've been struggling with some feelings of frustration and anger. I know I need to let them go, it's just not as easy as turning off a switch.

There are minor annoyances going on... the ceiling in the hallway is in need of repair (J took it down this weekend and might be able to repair it next weekend), the Jeep's battery cables are corroded (Kevin replaced one and cleaned the heck out of the other, which will have to do until we can get the right part for it), and there are a couple others that won't be posted publicly.

There are really good things, too: I've increased my biking time to an hour a day, the friendship that is tiny and new is still growing, knitting has been good, I had loads of fun dyeing the PS... yarn this month and am looking forward to dyeing the club yarn, I've got my papers lined up for the business stuff, and I've been journaling a lot more.

Next week will be a better update, simply because I'm going to push myself out of this feeling and stop letting the season get to me.

Empty?

Yes, I skipped last week. There are times when I truly do not feel like writing anything at all. Actually, I feel like writing, but none of it is very positive, so it's better not shared. After all, why drag everyone else down when I feel anger or frustration, right?

This past week I haven't been writing daily simply for the same reasons. Have I done things that made me feel good? Of course. They just didn't fuel me enough to get out of this funk. I know it will pass, but until then, it's probably best that I don't put too much out there into the world.

Good things:

I met someone online. It's kind of funny since it started with a suggestion for shipping products and has been blooming a little through emails. There is a wonderful connection there that I think could grow into a wonderful friendship. She lives too far away to pop in for coffee or anything like that, but I look forward to the day we might get to meet face to face.

I've been continuing my biking and, even though the scale doesn't show much, I can feel the differences in how my clothes fit and how I move through the house. We'll see what other changes happen.

A New Year

Tuesday: This morning was a good bike ride. I was up and sweaty then showered before 6:45. I have to admit that I do like getting up really early to get this out of the way. Having the daycare kids here all day was a little bit of a drag, but mostly because I have so many ideas for the shop and I want to work on them.

Kevin & I figured out what we're doing for New Year's Eve and, while it's not what I'd originally thought of, I think it will be lovely.

Wednesday: The burner went out on the stove the other day and I finally go around to looking up prices. I had no idea a simple 8" burner coil cost that much! Luckily, this one is the same size as the burner toward the back of the stove, so I'm still in business. It's now on the list of things to fix.

Great news! I've been sorted back into Gryffindor for the House Cup. I really love this group of people. The tolerance, the fun, the caring, and the friendships... I can't think of anything else like it. Now it's time to figure out which projects I'll be focusing on for this term and keep them open enough to fit the assignments.

Thursday: Wow. A very unusual occurrence with a hawk and my window just now. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but the hawk seemed fine (he flew away) and I was only a little shaken from being startled so much. And now I can't help but to think...

I have so many other thoughts going through my head, too, but they will not be shared. It's enough to say that I'm looking forward to this weekend and the time I get to spend with Kevin & Brianna.

Friday: I rode for an hour this morning! Yes, a whole hour. I went 16.1 miles and felt pretty darn good about it.  I'm thinking this should be incorporated each week. I'd still keep 3 day of 30 minutes, and have 1 day of 60 minutes. It certainly wouldn't hurt.

Kevin & I got the shopping done for the weekend. Homemade enchiladas, chocolate chip cookies, and the last 3 Terminator movies. Brianna hasn't seen them yet so this ought to be fun. She's going to bake the cookies & I'll make the enchiladas. I love the fact that we're going to be spending this together. As silly as this might seem, I think this will be the best New Year's Eve Ive had in a very long time.

Saturday: What a... strange day. I got word from Anthony that he might be home by the middle of February. Or the end. Or later. Basically, he really doesn't have any idea. I'm hoping it's sooner, but I've been hoping that for a while now.

Another odd thing that happened was a blast from the past. I can't help but wish the past would stay there. People just don't get it that I walked away from it all for a reason. I think it was handled well and am hoping it is finished.

In a bit we're heading out to Kevin's. I am really looking forward to this! I know, I know, it's just a night in, but this year it will be spent with 2 of my favorite people. And this year I don't have to convince myself that I'm happy being at home by myself. See? This year is On Fire!

Sunday: Home from a wonderful weekend! Good food, loads of smiles, laughter, great people, I couldn't ask for much more than that.

We drove home in nearly-blizzard conditions for part of the drive, but it cleared up before we got to town. It didn't take long after we'd gotten inside before the storm reached us again. I'm really glad we weren't on the streets any longer than what we were.

Brianna has school tomorrow, which I disagree with, but I'm not the one to make the rules. I offered to let her stay home, but she spoke about missing something important in the classes and I'm certainly not going to argue with that.

I spent some quiet time this morning with some card readings, making notes for the business, and enjoying the feel of a house full of loved ones. Yes, yes, it was only two people, but it was still a blessed feeling. One that just can't be replaced with anything else. I think it was a wonderful way to start the year.

Monday: I am starting my Magick Number sweater! I know it's going to be beautiful. I know I will get all the cables figured out. I know it will fit me beautifully when it's finished.

I didn't get on the bike this morning, but that's okay. I spent some time this morning with yoga, hula-hooping, assisted chin-ups and gentle stretches. Tomorrow will be for the bike.

I'm also researching what ll is needed for some of my business ideas. There are so many ideas going through my head and I just need to get them settled and figured out. I cna do this.

Endings

Tuesday: I entered my own choice of number for the extra skeins in the club yarn. Normally I don't do this. After all, I'm the dyer, not the member. But, a few of the other women pointed out that I am a member and that if I really want an extra skein, I should put in a number. So, after checking the budget (fridge is full, bills are paid, gas in the vehicle) I put in for a skein. We'll see if my number comes up. What would I do with 2 skeins? Well, it's blue & sparkles and would make a lovely shawl.

Wednesday: According to the calendar today is the last day before Winter Solstice. How do I feel about this? I'm not sure. There have been so many days when I have spent hours in contemplation. What accomplishments come from that? A lot of self-learning. I'm still not sure how I feel about the end of the season (even though there has been precious little snow so far), but I do know that there are internal issues that I've worked through and feel better about letting them go.

Thursday: I completed the last project for the "111 in 2011" group. I really surprised myself with this accomplishment since I wasn't really sure I could do it. I had a lot of fun looking over other people's projects and seeing my own adding up.

Friday: I let go of a concept today. The concept of size. You see, I was told a number for an ideal size for me. A healthy one, not a twig, not a "big girl", but a good size for the Woman I am striving to be. The best Me I can be. I was afraid to embrace that number simply because I wasn't sure if I'd still be desirable (yeah, silly, right?) or even sexy. After all, so many times we are told that "real women" have some meat on their bones, have curves, aren't afraid of being bigger. But (and I know I may be stepping on several toes here), I know women who are tiny in size and they are not less of a woman simply because they are skinny. For example, "T" is a tiny woman, she's got three kids with her husband, has worked hard to get ahead, is an awesome Mom, and has a wonderful personality. Another one, "M", is a tiny slip of a thing and has a heart of gold, is friendly and loves her friends. Another one, "K", is also thin and is a former Marine, runs marathons, loves her partner deeply, and is always ready to help someone out. Are these women less? No way! And so, I let go of that thought and began designing a sweater that will fit me in a few months and is going to fit me very well six months from now as well. Because a "real woman" isn't defined by how many curves she has, she's defined by the Life she puts into her life.

Saturday: The battle of the shower room is coming to a close. I have tried every non-toxic product I could find and still have been struggling with that icky black crap. Well, it is now just about gone. Yes, bleach is my weapon. I have finally admitted that the stuff that grows up here is significantly different than the stuff that grew in Phoenix. Perhaps scientists will say otherwise, but I've been fighting with this stuff for far too long to believe that it's the same species. I like the clear walls and the clean look to the shower now. I will remain vigilant, however.

Sunday: The last of the laundry is done and the clutter in my room has been eliminated. I'm letting go of the habit to leave things until the eleventh hour. There is so much of a difference in the energy that flows here when things are cleared away. I'm letting go of that thought that I don't have enough time to put stuff away. I'm also letting go of some thoughts for Alina Shea Creations. They were limiting thoughts. Ones that may lead to a dwindling of the business and that's not what I need. I need to be positive.

Monday: Ah, the holiday weekend is finally over. There are so many different emotions associated with this year. Sadness because 75% of the people I wanted to spend time with were not here, happiness at the 25% who were here, worry about Anthony, Love for my chosen family, sorrow for the people who are far from home, joy over the thought that was put into my Yule gifts, peace with the knowledge that things will be okay one way or another... and so many more. And now, the day draws to a close and I am looking forward to a sound slumber and waking with the Fire to begin a new week (even though it's Tuesday).

Yes, my life right now is on Fire in so many ways!

Busy...

Today is not going to be a normal post. I've been doing a lot of thinking, so this post will be about that.

There are times in your life when you're unsure about the way things are going to go and you can't help but worry about them. For example, most people who know me know that my son is in Afghanistan right now. They also know that I worry about him. On a daily basis, I'm reminded that there is no level of "comfort" with him being out there. Yes, he's in Data. No, he's not in the "front lines". But he keeps a loaded and ready gun with him at all times. He stands watch to make sure no one is coming toward the base without authorization. When he does leave the base to go to another one, there is a risk. And so, I worry. A lot.

Sometimes there is a good reason for staying on the edge of awareness. A good reason not to fall into that lull of security. But, most often for me, it starts to wear on the mind. What can you count on? What can you believe in? What can you look at and know that it is, and always will be, safe? Who can you turn to and know that they will never forsake you (hurt you, perhaps, but never break the Sacred Trust)?

I took a very hard look at my life and found answers. True, there are some things that I see as "surface safe" and wonder how they will end up, but there are areas in my life that I feel complete faith in. Does my faith falter for a moment? Of course, I am a human being. But, when I look clearly, that faith flares up even brighter.

I feel blessed to know that I have things that I can count on. My ability to control most of my health. My creativity. The determination to make ends meet. The strength I've gained over the years.

I feel blessed to know that I have things I can believe in. My ability to connect with Spirit. My love for my children. Their love for me. My love for Kevin. His love for me. My love and growing respect for my Dad. His complete love for me. My love for my friends. Their love for me.

I feel blessed to have someone in my life who will never forsake me. I will not elaborate on this, except to say that, even when the stumbles happen, they have never defeated us.

So, an unusual post for this blog, but this is what has been on my mind.

Roller-coaster

Tuesday - With Brianna's help, I pulled all the old tarp off the shed. I'll be letting it dry out before putting new ones on. Yuck, what a gross job... and I was on  a ladder. Ugh. The funny thing is that I'm only a little nervous getting up on the roof and working up there. I am scared to death about coming back down.

Wednesday - We got snow! It wasn't a lot and it melted away in the sunny parts of the yard nearly as soon as the sun touched it, but it was still pretty cool. I'm both looking forward to, and dreading the winter.

Thursday - I finished up most of the holiday cared and they will go out tomorrow. This yearn I'm sending them to so many people! I don't know if I can do that every year, but it would be kind of nice. I also took time to clean out my wallet and a couple other areas of the house. There is still so much to do, but I am looking at it all, one day at a time.

Friday - I updated the shop with several gradient colors today. I love how they look, even though they take so much longer than the others.

Saturday - Sleep was elusive. Kevin walked me through fixing the light in the utility room. I am so glad he let me do the work. There were some parts he did, but it wasn't because I couldn't have, more because it was really messy. He then took us out for dinner & shopping. Well, it was more Brianna's shopping than anything. She didn't want me in the store when she got my gift, but insisted that he be there. Odd. Anyway, that is the last of our holiday shopping.

Sunday - What a wonderful feeling! I can't even describe it well, so I won't try.

Monday - This day has been so filled with emotional ups & downs. I woke with a feeling of hope for the day, then found out that what I'd been looking forward to wasn't going to happen right now. Then I was thrilled at bicycling more than 10 miles through Middle Earth. After that, I was blasted with a wave of jealousy that I didn't think was possible. Then guilt, because it was directed at the families whose military members were arriving from Iraq. The tears that came with that were uncontrollable and I actually had to just let them fall. Afterward I felt drained and wished for... well, what I couldn't have at the moment. I've come to grips with it, with the help from several friends. I am only human. I also finished a few house projects which helped a little, too. Now, at the end of this day, I am trying to stay hopeful for the future and easy on myself. Even when the negative emotions flare up.

Trying something new...

This week I'm going to try writing a little each day, then publish it on Monday. We;ll see how that works out.

Tuesday: My appointment was this morning and it turns out that my sugars are a little elevated, but not to the point of being out of control. The rest of the symptoms are most likely related to stress. How to combat it? Movement, for the most part. Brianna and I found a stationary bike at Goodwill for only $25. It's not fancy, but we can adjust the tension and it has a timer on it. Not bad. I only "rode" it for 15 minutes and knitted part of that time.

Wednesday: I finished a hat that I'll be sending off to Anthony -

Thursday: I started a new blog for my health called 6849 Miles. I'll be bicycling the length of Sam's and Frodo's journey to Mordor and back with a couple side trips tossed in. I'm doing this mainly to help keep myself motivated. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let myself be unhealthy.

Friday: After hearing from a couple members on Ravelry, I decided to start a new thread for our health. It will be smaller than the Gryffindor Gym and I'm hoping it will help us cheer each other on. A few others will be traveling along this trip as well. Not necessarily biking or walking, but they will be doing what needs to be done for themselves and that means a lot. I also began an interesting challenge from Silver Ravenwolf. Each day we get rid of at least one item. She does give "missions" and that will help keep the focus.

We also bought our Yule tree! This year we get a Douglas Fir instead of a Scotch Pine. It's a little smaller than the last couple years, but it looks so cute! And the needles aren't nearly as sharp.

Saturday: Kevin took me to dinner and a show! It was really cool to see It's a Wonderful Life on stage. True, this is a small-town venue, but it was really nice. That was the first time I'd been in the Sandusky State Theater and I liked the feel of the place. I'm hoping we can go again before long to see something else.

It was really nice getting dressed up and doing something different.

Sunday: Brianna and I decorated our tree. It still feels a little odd to know that Anthony will not be here, but I kept good cheer and Brianna was pretty happy with it all. The packages under there now look  a little funny, but that's only because Anthony had them sent to us and told us that we couldn't open them until Yule.

We might open them on the 17th, though, and that's mainly because of the work schedule.