Empty?

Yes, I skipped last week. There are times when I truly do not feel like writing anything at all. Actually, I feel like writing, but none of it is very positive, so it's better not shared. After all, why drag everyone else down when I feel anger or frustration, right?

This past week I haven't been writing daily simply for the same reasons. Have I done things that made me feel good? Of course. They just didn't fuel me enough to get out of this funk. I know it will pass, but until then, it's probably best that I don't put too much out there into the world.

Good things:

I met someone online. It's kind of funny since it started with a suggestion for shipping products and has been blooming a little through emails. There is a wonderful connection there that I think could grow into a wonderful friendship. She lives too far away to pop in for coffee or anything like that, but I look forward to the day we might get to meet face to face.

I've been continuing my biking and, even though the scale doesn't show much, I can feel the differences in how my clothes fit and how I move through the house. We'll see what other changes happen.

A New Year

Tuesday: This morning was a good bike ride. I was up and sweaty then showered before 6:45. I have to admit that I do like getting up really early to get this out of the way. Having the daycare kids here all day was a little bit of a drag, but mostly because I have so many ideas for the shop and I want to work on them.

Kevin & I figured out what we're doing for New Year's Eve and, while it's not what I'd originally thought of, I think it will be lovely.

Wednesday: The burner went out on the stove the other day and I finally go around to looking up prices. I had no idea a simple 8" burner coil cost that much! Luckily, this one is the same size as the burner toward the back of the stove, so I'm still in business. It's now on the list of things to fix.

Great news! I've been sorted back into Gryffindor for the House Cup. I really love this group of people. The tolerance, the fun, the caring, and the friendships... I can't think of anything else like it. Now it's time to figure out which projects I'll be focusing on for this term and keep them open enough to fit the assignments.

Thursday: Wow. A very unusual occurrence with a hawk and my window just now. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but the hawk seemed fine (he flew away) and I was only a little shaken from being startled so much. And now I can't help but to think...

I have so many other thoughts going through my head, too, but they will not be shared. It's enough to say that I'm looking forward to this weekend and the time I get to spend with Kevin & Brianna.

Friday: I rode for an hour this morning! Yes, a whole hour. I went 16.1 miles and felt pretty darn good about it.  I'm thinking this should be incorporated each week. I'd still keep 3 day of 30 minutes, and have 1 day of 60 minutes. It certainly wouldn't hurt.

Kevin & I got the shopping done for the weekend. Homemade enchiladas, chocolate chip cookies, and the last 3 Terminator movies. Brianna hasn't seen them yet so this ought to be fun. She's going to bake the cookies & I'll make the enchiladas. I love the fact that we're going to be spending this together. As silly as this might seem, I think this will be the best New Year's Eve Ive had in a very long time.

Saturday: What a... strange day. I got word from Anthony that he might be home by the middle of February. Or the end. Or later. Basically, he really doesn't have any idea. I'm hoping it's sooner, but I've been hoping that for a while now.

Another odd thing that happened was a blast from the past. I can't help but wish the past would stay there. People just don't get it that I walked away from it all for a reason. I think it was handled well and am hoping it is finished.

In a bit we're heading out to Kevin's. I am really looking forward to this! I know, I know, it's just a night in, but this year it will be spent with 2 of my favorite people. And this year I don't have to convince myself that I'm happy being at home by myself. See? This year is On Fire!

Sunday: Home from a wonderful weekend! Good food, loads of smiles, laughter, great people, I couldn't ask for much more than that.

We drove home in nearly-blizzard conditions for part of the drive, but it cleared up before we got to town. It didn't take long after we'd gotten inside before the storm reached us again. I'm really glad we weren't on the streets any longer than what we were.

Brianna has school tomorrow, which I disagree with, but I'm not the one to make the rules. I offered to let her stay home, but she spoke about missing something important in the classes and I'm certainly not going to argue with that.

I spent some quiet time this morning with some card readings, making notes for the business, and enjoying the feel of a house full of loved ones. Yes, yes, it was only two people, but it was still a blessed feeling. One that just can't be replaced with anything else. I think it was a wonderful way to start the year.

Monday: I am starting my Magick Number sweater! I know it's going to be beautiful. I know I will get all the cables figured out. I know it will fit me beautifully when it's finished.

I didn't get on the bike this morning, but that's okay. I spent some time this morning with yoga, hula-hooping, assisted chin-ups and gentle stretches. Tomorrow will be for the bike.

I'm also researching what ll is needed for some of my business ideas. There are so many ideas going through my head and I just need to get them settled and figured out. I cna do this.

Endings

Tuesday: I entered my own choice of number for the extra skeins in the club yarn. Normally I don't do this. After all, I'm the dyer, not the member. But, a few of the other women pointed out that I am a member and that if I really want an extra skein, I should put in a number. So, after checking the budget (fridge is full, bills are paid, gas in the vehicle) I put in for a skein. We'll see if my number comes up. What would I do with 2 skeins? Well, it's blue & sparkles and would make a lovely shawl.

Wednesday: According to the calendar today is the last day before Winter Solstice. How do I feel about this? I'm not sure. There have been so many days when I have spent hours in contemplation. What accomplishments come from that? A lot of self-learning. I'm still not sure how I feel about the end of the season (even though there has been precious little snow so far), but I do know that there are internal issues that I've worked through and feel better about letting them go.

Thursday: I completed the last project for the "111 in 2011" group. I really surprised myself with this accomplishment since I wasn't really sure I could do it. I had a lot of fun looking over other people's projects and seeing my own adding up.

Friday: I let go of a concept today. The concept of size. You see, I was told a number for an ideal size for me. A healthy one, not a twig, not a "big girl", but a good size for the Woman I am striving to be. The best Me I can be. I was afraid to embrace that number simply because I wasn't sure if I'd still be desirable (yeah, silly, right?) or even sexy. After all, so many times we are told that "real women" have some meat on their bones, have curves, aren't afraid of being bigger. But (and I know I may be stepping on several toes here), I know women who are tiny in size and they are not less of a woman simply because they are skinny. For example, "T" is a tiny woman, she's got three kids with her husband, has worked hard to get ahead, is an awesome Mom, and has a wonderful personality. Another one, "M", is a tiny slip of a thing and has a heart of gold, is friendly and loves her friends. Another one, "K", is also thin and is a former Marine, runs marathons, loves her partner deeply, and is always ready to help someone out. Are these women less? No way! And so, I let go of that thought and began designing a sweater that will fit me in a few months and is going to fit me very well six months from now as well. Because a "real woman" isn't defined by how many curves she has, she's defined by the Life she puts into her life.

Saturday: The battle of the shower room is coming to a close. I have tried every non-toxic product I could find and still have been struggling with that icky black crap. Well, it is now just about gone. Yes, bleach is my weapon. I have finally admitted that the stuff that grows up here is significantly different than the stuff that grew in Phoenix. Perhaps scientists will say otherwise, but I've been fighting with this stuff for far too long to believe that it's the same species. I like the clear walls and the clean look to the shower now. I will remain vigilant, however.

Sunday: The last of the laundry is done and the clutter in my room has been eliminated. I'm letting go of the habit to leave things until the eleventh hour. There is so much of a difference in the energy that flows here when things are cleared away. I'm letting go of that thought that I don't have enough time to put stuff away. I'm also letting go of some thoughts for Alina Shea Creations. They were limiting thoughts. Ones that may lead to a dwindling of the business and that's not what I need. I need to be positive.

Monday: Ah, the holiday weekend is finally over. There are so many different emotions associated with this year. Sadness because 75% of the people I wanted to spend time with were not here, happiness at the 25% who were here, worry about Anthony, Love for my chosen family, sorrow for the people who are far from home, joy over the thought that was put into my Yule gifts, peace with the knowledge that things will be okay one way or another... and so many more. And now, the day draws to a close and I am looking forward to a sound slumber and waking with the Fire to begin a new week (even though it's Tuesday).

Yes, my life right now is on Fire in so many ways!

Busy...

Today is not going to be a normal post. I've been doing a lot of thinking, so this post will be about that.

There are times in your life when you're unsure about the way things are going to go and you can't help but worry about them. For example, most people who know me know that my son is in Afghanistan right now. They also know that I worry about him. On a daily basis, I'm reminded that there is no level of "comfort" with him being out there. Yes, he's in Data. No, he's not in the "front lines". But he keeps a loaded and ready gun with him at all times. He stands watch to make sure no one is coming toward the base without authorization. When he does leave the base to go to another one, there is a risk. And so, I worry. A lot.

Sometimes there is a good reason for staying on the edge of awareness. A good reason not to fall into that lull of security. But, most often for me, it starts to wear on the mind. What can you count on? What can you believe in? What can you look at and know that it is, and always will be, safe? Who can you turn to and know that they will never forsake you (hurt you, perhaps, but never break the Sacred Trust)?

I took a very hard look at my life and found answers. True, there are some things that I see as "surface safe" and wonder how they will end up, but there are areas in my life that I feel complete faith in. Does my faith falter for a moment? Of course, I am a human being. But, when I look clearly, that faith flares up even brighter.

I feel blessed to know that I have things that I can count on. My ability to control most of my health. My creativity. The determination to make ends meet. The strength I've gained over the years.

I feel blessed to know that I have things I can believe in. My ability to connect with Spirit. My love for my children. Their love for me. My love for Kevin. His love for me. My love and growing respect for my Dad. His complete love for me. My love for my friends. Their love for me.

I feel blessed to have someone in my life who will never forsake me. I will not elaborate on this, except to say that, even when the stumbles happen, they have never defeated us.

So, an unusual post for this blog, but this is what has been on my mind.

Roller-coaster

Tuesday - With Brianna's help, I pulled all the old tarp off the shed. I'll be letting it dry out before putting new ones on. Yuck, what a gross job... and I was on  a ladder. Ugh. The funny thing is that I'm only a little nervous getting up on the roof and working up there. I am scared to death about coming back down.

Wednesday - We got snow! It wasn't a lot and it melted away in the sunny parts of the yard nearly as soon as the sun touched it, but it was still pretty cool. I'm both looking forward to, and dreading the winter.

Thursday - I finished up most of the holiday cared and they will go out tomorrow. This yearn I'm sending them to so many people! I don't know if I can do that every year, but it would be kind of nice. I also took time to clean out my wallet and a couple other areas of the house. There is still so much to do, but I am looking at it all, one day at a time.

Friday - I updated the shop with several gradient colors today. I love how they look, even though they take so much longer than the others.

Saturday - Sleep was elusive. Kevin walked me through fixing the light in the utility room. I am so glad he let me do the work. There were some parts he did, but it wasn't because I couldn't have, more because it was really messy. He then took us out for dinner & shopping. Well, it was more Brianna's shopping than anything. She didn't want me in the store when she got my gift, but insisted that he be there. Odd. Anyway, that is the last of our holiday shopping.

Sunday - What a wonderful feeling! I can't even describe it well, so I won't try.

Monday - This day has been so filled with emotional ups & downs. I woke with a feeling of hope for the day, then found out that what I'd been looking forward to wasn't going to happen right now. Then I was thrilled at bicycling more than 10 miles through Middle Earth. After that, I was blasted with a wave of jealousy that I didn't think was possible. Then guilt, because it was directed at the families whose military members were arriving from Iraq. The tears that came with that were uncontrollable and I actually had to just let them fall. Afterward I felt drained and wished for... well, what I couldn't have at the moment. I've come to grips with it, with the help from several friends. I am only human. I also finished a few house projects which helped a little, too. Now, at the end of this day, I am trying to stay hopeful for the future and easy on myself. Even when the negative emotions flare up.

Trying something new...

This week I'm going to try writing a little each day, then publish it on Monday. We;ll see how that works out.

Tuesday: My appointment was this morning and it turns out that my sugars are a little elevated, but not to the point of being out of control. The rest of the symptoms are most likely related to stress. How to combat it? Movement, for the most part. Brianna and I found a stationary bike at Goodwill for only $25. It's not fancy, but we can adjust the tension and it has a timer on it. Not bad. I only "rode" it for 15 minutes and knitted part of that time.

Wednesday: I finished a hat that I'll be sending off to Anthony -

Thursday: I started a new blog for my health called 6849 Miles. I'll be bicycling the length of Sam's and Frodo's journey to Mordor and back with a couple side trips tossed in. I'm doing this mainly to help keep myself motivated. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let myself be unhealthy.

Friday: After hearing from a couple members on Ravelry, I decided to start a new thread for our health. It will be smaller than the Gryffindor Gym and I'm hoping it will help us cheer each other on. A few others will be traveling along this trip as well. Not necessarily biking or walking, but they will be doing what needs to be done for themselves and that means a lot. I also began an interesting challenge from Silver Ravenwolf. Each day we get rid of at least one item. She does give "missions" and that will help keep the focus.

We also bought our Yule tree! This year we get a Douglas Fir instead of a Scotch Pine. It's a little smaller than the last couple years, but it looks so cute! And the needles aren't nearly as sharp.

Saturday: Kevin took me to dinner and a show! It was really cool to see It's a Wonderful Life on stage. True, this is a small-town venue, but it was really nice. That was the first time I'd been in the Sandusky State Theater and I liked the feel of the place. I'm hoping we can go again before long to see something else.

It was really nice getting dressed up and doing something different.

Sunday: Brianna and I decorated our tree. It still feels a little odd to know that Anthony will not be here, but I kept good cheer and Brianna was pretty happy with it all. The packages under there now look  a little funny, but that's only because Anthony had them sent to us and told us that we couldn't open them until Yule.

We might open them on the 17th, though, and that's mainly because of the work schedule.

More repairs

What an interesting week! I'm thinking about changing the way I write these entries, and I'll certainly get that figured out by tomorrow. Anyway...

Thanksgiving was very nice, even though we spent most of the afternoon tearing my dryer apart. Kevin tested all the parts inside and they were all strong. The only broken part was a blower fan. Not even duct tape could fix that one (and yes, we tried it).

After cleaning up  the mess, we looked up the part online and found it for sale. Since there is an appliance repair shop not far from me, it was good to get the price. Luckily, the shop was open on Friday. Now I can officially say that I've gone to a store on Black Friday. Crazy, huh? Anyway, I got the part and installed it myself.

Now the dryer may last another 10 years before another repair is needed.

Saturday was filled with baking, grating, making butter, and knitting. All in preparation of Sunday's feast, which included only 2 of Kevin's kids. I was a little bummed that one couldn't make it (the others are out of the state), since he usually has something witty to say about lots of things, but that's how it goes, I guess. It was a nice dinner, though and most of the conversation was lively.

Tomorrow is my appointment to discuss the lab results. I keep telling myself that I'm not really worried about it. I keep telling myself that I'm waking in the night from the wind, or rain, or a full bladder... deep in my heart I know better. I am afraid of what she will tell me. I'm afraid she's going to inform me that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. It's hard to shake that feeling, even though I want to believe I'm stronger than that.

On the bright side... I finished Anthony's hat.

Rain of emotions

The week was full of emotional ups and downs that just seemed to get more and more exhausting as the week progressed. It was crazy.

I was able to spend time away from home this weekend (as I am able to many weekends) and found time to write in my journal. I have so many aspects of my own Self to explore. While I was writing, a lot of the hurt and confusion drained away. That helped my sanity more than anything. I'm now able to remain positive about the challenges I face. I'm able to let go a bit more of the pain I've been in. I'm even a little more sure of the future I face. Is everything completely filled with sunshine and roses? Of course not. Life isn't that way.

I feel better now about one of my friendships. I have no idea what path it will take or what distance the journey will be, but I can now believe that it's in our hands. We are working on it together and will do our best to hold each other up.

I also feel better about another relationship. Sometimes I see division and separation where there is none. A lot of that is caused by the fact that I don't give enough love to my own Self. When the continuance and connectivity is gently pointed out to me, I can step back and accept it again.

So, these were all the things accomplished this week (with a lot of help) that cannot be seen on the surface.

On the surface, there are a few other things that are new.

 

 

Also, the shopping for Sunday's dinner is completed. This was actually a pleasant outing, filled with a surprise dinner, laughter, friendship, fresh veggies, and Love. Yep, the shopping was not horrid this year.

I hope you are all able to enjoy the beauty in your lives. I hope you are also able to see the blessings you each have.

Slow week

This week was actually a "finish the stuff" kind of week. I was able to get the swap shawl finished (it's nearly dry so I'll get some pictures tomorrow), finished some personal writing, and finished a couple business things.

One thing that I started was 15 Days of Thankfulness. Essentially, each day there is a new prompt for what to focus on and you write about it. I think it's a good way to focus on things that you feel grateful for, while also reminding yourself that you have a lot of blessings.

This week was also about learning and growing. Some fears were set aside while others popped up. The biggest new one (I'm not posting about it until I find out for certain) is health related. I know that I will be placing a few calls tomorrow to see about laying my fears to rest. Until then, I will be positive.

So, even though I don't have a lot to "show" for this week, internally it has been really busy. May you all be blessed.

Laughter & tears

What a week this has been! I started my Nanowrimo writing on Tuesday and was amazed at how the memories just started flowing. I actually had to write some of them down because they were popping up in my mind so fast. Now I have a piece of paper filled with a couple words for each memory that will help me get them all typed up. I love doing this and am pretty sure it's something that will bring my Dad some joy.

I also spun a full bump of fiber (pictures in a bit), started a shawl for a friend, dyed another shawl of mine, moved my bedroom furniture around, helped with cleaning a dryer hose, blogged about anger (I usually don't do that), met my daughter's boyfriend, played in the leaves with a toddler and my Sweetie, and made refried beans for the first time. Ever.

The fiber is the the first installment of the PS... line of colors that Pacasha, of Younger Yarns, and I are dyeing together. She dyes the fiber and I dye the yarn. We both use the same dye (since we buy from the same suppliers) and colors, and last month was a hit! Since it was our first month, we both sent each other a package and I finished spinning mine just a couple days ago. I still need to set it, but that won't take long. It's so gorgeous! (And the spinning looks great, too.) Here's what it looked like halfway done -

The shawl is going to a wonderful woman who plays in the House Cup group on Ravelry. We're doing a secret swap, so I can't even say where she lives, but I know she's going to love it. The yarn is my own Sunrises in Nightshade, and I already know she likes the colors.

The shawl I dyed was made from the yarn my Dad sent me for Solstice a couple years ago, and that I wear quite a bit. Now, it's even more awesome because of the colors.

Moving my bedroom around was a great way of giving me a better view when I'm sitting at my desk. Now, I can really enjoy the natural daylight even while I'm working on shop updates, Nano writing, or just playing on Ravelry.  It's still a bit messy, but this is my new view -

I met the boy Brianna is "dating". I use the quotations simply because they haven't gone out on an actual date, but they call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. How do I feel about this? Well, the boy came in and gave me a firm handshake and introduced himself to me. That says something. I guess time will tell about the rest of it.

 Playing in the leaves on Sunday was wonderful. The toddler (I'll still need to ask his parents' permission about names and pictures) was hesitant at first, but after a couple minutes of seeing what I was doing, he jumped right in with kicking the leaves, tossing them around, wading through the pile and just having fun. Kevin joined in tossing the leaves in the air and kicking them all around (like he needs an excuse to have fun). It was really nice to be able to have a reason for making a mess of the leaf pile and fill the time with smiles and laughter.

I think that Sunday was one of the best I've had and it will certainly be one of my happy memories.

So, where does the "tears" portion of the title come from? Well, when my emotions run really high, they begin to overflow. Whether from anger, sorrow, joy, or Love, the tears will spill over. I'm not ashamed of this, it just is the way I am. This week has been filled with all of these emotions and more.

I hope you are all having a wonderful week and that you all find moments that will be memories for the rest of your life.