Rainy Monday

Sometimes I forget that there is something special to focus on. All I can see is the stuff right in front of me and it all looks broken and ready to crumble. I find it hard to remember that there are things of beauty and Life just beyond my immediate surroundings. That the possibilities of tomorrow are just around the corner. I know, the teachings are to live in the moment, but when I do that for too long I lose a little hope in the future.
I will admit that there are times when being a mom is just... challenging.


Brianna is becoming the typical teenager and it is hard to get used to. Some of the words she says are hurtful, and I know she is just trying to find her way. All I can do is keep nudging her in the best direction possible and hope that she finds her footing on her own path of strength and courage.

It's Thursday night I'm still a little stunned at this day. It started out with a painful
moment with Brianna, then became an offer for something special in the late afternoon. I can't really share what that offer is since it's all going to be a surprise. I will only say that I'm very excited and a little terrified. But it's a very good thing.

Monday - I'll admit that this is the first rainy day that I have felt energized instead of sleepy in a very long time. I think I know why that is, too. You see, there have been a few things that have been weighing heavy on my mind. Things that are my responsibility and... well, let's just say they were bringing me down. I spoke about them this weekend and felt so much better afterward. Not only because it was now a shared burden, but because it was pointed out to me that the burden really wasn't that big of a deal and that, no matter what, everything would be okay.

My day, so far, has been filled with uninterrupted reading, preparing yarn, playing with kittens, running on the treadmill, and standing in the rain. This was a much-needed break from the summer and I have enjoyed each moment of it.

Brianna walked home in the rain on her first day as a sophomore. I knew that was what she wanted and I was happy to see the smile on her face when she walked up the sidewalk, soaking wet. There are lots of papers to fill out, of course, and I finished that up before dinner. There is one mix-up with a class (she took it already) and it should eb straightened out soon. We'll see what tomorrow holds.

May you all have a beautiful week.

Quiet...

Sometimes the week passes without a grand occurrence. No hugely special event to mark its passing. This past week was a series of small events which, by themselves mean very little. And even when they are added up, their meaning is pretty insignificant.

Except that they are parts of my life. Parts that will be a memory in the years to come. Things to look back on and smile. Or frown. Or become contemplative about.

We started the mandatory school shopping last week. I have only complaints about the required clothing, so I won't go into detail. Brianna still needs shoes and we will be getting those this weekend. At this point we still have no idea what classes she will be in. I've called the school and they don't know. School starts on Monday. Yes, I have more to say about that, but I'll vent elsewhere.

I found a wondrous thing at the thrift store the other day! Books, in excellent shape, and on my "to buy" list. The ones that make me smile most? The Sevenwaters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. I know there are now more books in that series, but the first three are the ones I fell in love with.

A repair to the Jeep was completed. While we were working on the lighting and the door Kevin noticed that he could see daylight through a crack on the floor where the driver seat was bolted in. After a more thorough examination it was pretty clear that both front seats were not really secure anymore. Luckily there is a welder in the family (Kevin's nephew) and that was fixed this past weekend. The relief I feel because of that is a lot stronger than I thought, but... well, after discovering the cracks I had a few bad dreams about seeing my passenger go through the front window.

There are other small things... repairs to some of the yarn equipment, banging my head on the Jeep, a haircut, a cool microscope from a yard sale, movies on the weekend, the arrival of my awesome mug, cooler weather, the passing of a life, the gathering of thoughts, journaling, knitting, ... so much Life when you think about it one way, so little if you think about it a different way. I choose the former. After all, even the quiet moments make up the tapestry of my life and they should be cherished, too.

Namasté.

Repairs & Recharging

This has been one of the more stressful weeks of this year as well as one of the most rewarding. Nothing big happened to cause the stress, just a pile of little things each day that only added to the stress of the day before. At one point I broke down and cried in anger and frustration simply because I had reached the end of the rope and there were more little stresses being added. Why did I not release some of the stresses before it got to that point? Pride? Perhaps. But I'll tell you this; I handled it on my own. Maybe not with as much grace as I would have liked, but still, I handled it.

But the good stuff? Ah, the good stuff was very good.

Earlier this week I attended the first live/online class I've been able to attend. All the others were on a night when it was really too late in the evening, but this time, I was okay staying up just a little late. It was so cool to be able to ask questions when they came to mind and hear from the other students as well. This class was about the code of ethics and how we should handle clients and lots of other stuff. Very helpful, to say the least. (For those wondering; I haven't missed any of the classes before this, I've been downloading the recorded versions.)

I had started to lose faith that I'd be able to run 5k by my birthday. The times that I could actually run were so limited and I just couldn't see a way to get any good training in. I posted about it, and felt bad about doing so. But then... April kind of nudged me in a different direction and told me what to do. And I followed her instructions. Then I reached 900 miles on my trip across Middle Earth! How awesome is that‽ I didn't even hurt that much the following day. Yes, I was very sore, but I didn't feel like I was going to cry every time I walked down the hallway. Now I'm pretty certain I can reach my goal after all.

This weekend was an odd mix of emotions. Brianna & I ran our errands early-ish on Saturday and it felt good to get some of the things we really needed. The budget is still very tight, but there was more breathing room this time. After a wonderful dinner with two of my loved ones, I spent a relaxed evening watching Angels & Demons (I'd never seen it before) and sipping coffee laced with Harlequin Orange Liqueur. 

Then the work started. Sunday morning was pretty relaxed but that ended soon after breakfast. It was time to work on the Jeep. My door has been locked into the closed position for a long time now. I've grown quite agile in getting into the driver seat from the passenger side. Also needing fixed was a lighting issue. After getting the door taken apart (Jeeps are awesome in their simplicity), we still couldn't figure out why it wouldn't release. So, the other door was also taken apart for comparison. Still no luck. I was a little nervous that I'd have to replace the whole mechanism or something in order to have a working door. Here is what it looks like -

After a bit of time I thought of something to try and it worked! I figured it out! And now my door is in working order and will even lock.

The lighting issue was a little more involved. Kevin had me go through a series of actions while he took lots of notes. Engine off, headlights on, left turn signal on; engine off, headlights on, right turn signal on; apply brakes, release brakes... the list goes on. This didn't seem like it was going to be an easy fix to me and I was a bit nervous on the extent of work that might be involved. After all, this is a '93 so it's not even remotely new. Wires get brittle with time, there could be a short somewhere, there could be a broken wire... I know it's no fun tracing wires in a vehicle.After some time of more thinking, we tried an idea and that worked, too! After nearly 5 hours of work and less than $3, the Jeep is now in better shape. 

Oh! Now the center console is attached, too! No more slipping to the back.

Today I'm more sore than I was on Saturday after the running. I think it's because I wouldn't let Kevin help me lift the door off the body. I know I probably should have, but I am the kind of woman who feels pretty damn proud of being able to handle things like that without help. The pain today is just an indicator that I should strengthen my body a bit more.

On that note I will leave you all with a blessings:

May you all have the strength and courage to face your trials with grace and dignity. May you all know the feeling of pride in your accomplishments.

Namasté.

Fiery weekend

This weekend was full of firsts for me. I hadn't started out with that intention, but it happened that way on its own.

One stemmed from a joke about not eating something you don't know. Well, I had to look it up to see what it was and I was surprised and thrilled to discover that I just might enjoy Crepes Suzette. Kevin bravely let me use his kitchen (I say bravely because I've caught several things on fire by accident) for this dessert and even handed me the lighter. I will admit that I didn't get it to light the first time. I was pretty disappointed, but we heated up a little more of the liqueur and tried again. That time I was the camera person. When the flames caught I was startled (yes, I know I shouldn't have been) so the picture is a little off.

It was yummy! And, as we were tasting and savoring this wonderful bit of sweetness, ideas began flowing for altering the recipe. Pineapple juice, peach brandy, lady fingers... ah, the cooking muse awoke. When I get the flames right I just might throw a party or something.

There was a really cool storm that rolled through and I got my first shot of lightning!I was standing inside the doorway with the camera ready and waiting. Every time before I was too slow or too fast and caught just the bright sky, missing the actual bolts. This time I got it! I'm pretty thrilled by this and am looking forward to trying it again. Come on, weather, send me another storm!

I know, I know, there are a lot of pictures of lightning out there in the internet and other places, but I have been trying for a long time. Lately I've been playing with various settings on my camera as well and I'm looking forward to getting better at taking pictures. Next on my list is to try long exposure. This little camera has it and I'm hoping to have an evening of sitting outdoors, and playing around with it. Luckily, the summer won't last much longer and I can try this without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and such.

-

When I go places special I collect a rock. Not always since I don't find one that is just right all the time. But I have two rocks that are special since they remind me of a great time. One was from a camping trip with my kids. We went to a place called Blue Rock in Ohio and we had a wonderfully relaxing and fun weekend. There was a rock at our site that was perfect for holding stuff and it called to me. It's been sitting here with me for a few years and I finally decided that it was time.

 

Tada! Now I have a candle holder. After finishing the one abaove I set to work on the rock that means even more to me. That one had a lot more quartz in it (both were sandstone) and was a lot more challenging to get through, and at one point I needed a little help.

The second rock reminds me of a special beginning. When the sun was warm and the future was full of sunshine and possibilities. It reminds me that, even in the times of rain and darkness, endurance and faith will get you through to the sunshine again. I'm not going to write much more about that one other than to say that it was placed on my altar and I smile every time I see it.

This weekend had me thinking of various times in my life. When a friendship was still new, when I still believed in fairy tale endings, when I was oblivious to the hurts that come with living, when my mom was still alive, when my children were still little, when... so many things. With those thoughts it occurred to me that I still have so much to do and so many dreams to reach for. I hope I always remember to live with the vitality and vivaciousness I felt this weekend.

Namasté.

Creeping along...

So, I had a fairly crappy post on here earlier today and I am revising it (again). I didn't start this blog as a "poor me, life sucks" vent. Instead I started it to highlight things that are new in my life. Things to celebrate. And as a way to show how cool I think it is to be 40 years old.

On that note... I have a couple new ideas for Alina Shea Creations and I think they are going to be pretty cool when I get them started. I also have been enjoying the crystal healing class and am looking forward to working with the crystals even more.

Brianna now has her driving permit and I will be getting her behind the wheel as often as I can. I want her to be ready for most things by the time she gets her driver's license next summer.

Anthony is home on leave and will be heading back later this week. It was nice having him here.

I have some crafty ideas that I'm looking forward to trying out as soon as I can get the tools together. One project requires a lot of focus since there is a potential for severe injury if I'm not careful. As soon as I get that one going I'll be sure to share some pictures.

Well, that's it for today. Much more cheerful post and more along the lines of how I want this blog to be.

I truly hope you all have a great week.

It's Monday?

I don't feel like it's been a whole week already. Perhaps because I've been staying busy. Most of my busy-ness has been in my head, but it was still there.

Physically, this week was mostly about resting, stretching, and eating lots of veggies. I was certain I'd feel up to beginning the C25K again this week, but there is one small issue. I had a broken tooth removed on Friday and woke this morning to throbbing. Which is aggravating since it was fine all weekend. After a little research it sounds a little like dry socket. No big deal since I have plenty of clove oil.

The kittens are growing so much and I was able to get some video of them playing in the box. I am looking forward to having them settled in their new homes even though I know it will still be a little while yet.

My mind is a little numb this morning (lack of sleep and strange dreams), so I will end this with good wishes for you all.

Changes on the horizon

There are so many changes coming up in my life and I'm not even sure where to start. Most of them scare the crap out of me, but more and more I am seeing the wondrous possibilities in these changes. The opportunity for growth and stronger connections. The potential for a deeper relationship with those I love. And, the promise of a better feeling of Self.

One of these changes is my thought on running. A dear friend has been running for a little while now and I've cheered her on with the knowledge that I'd never do that, but I was so happy for her. But then she started talking about running through the woods and how wonderful that was. It sounded nice but I still didn't see myself doing that. Then the dreams started. Good ones this time, of me running through the woods. Of me feeling a deep, spiritual connectedness to the Earth around me. After a few of these dreams I knew that I had to at least try. And so, I started the Couch to 5k (C25K) program. At first I wasn't even able to keep up with that first week schedule. That's a bit sad, but it's true. But I kept going and on Saturday I walked/ran in my first 5k. I told almost no one. April knew since she's the one who helped me through a lot of it. Brianna knew because she lives with me and it's kind of hard to hide the fact that I'm not walking on the treadmill. I didn't tell my Ravelry folks until Sunday (the 24th). By then I was sure the most important people knew about it (turns out to not be the case, but I didn't know that), so I felt okay with telling my group. One of my club members decided to come and cheer me on and that was really cool. I didn't tell anyone on Facebook until after the event and Brianna actually told everyone before I did.

And now? Now I would like to be outside, getting my body more used to running. Now I'm looking forward to being able run the entire distance instead of walking part of it. Do I see myself running outside in this town? Nope, it still doesn't appeal to me. For now I have a great imagination and a treadmill and that will have to do until I'm in a better place.

Another change isn't mine to tell yet, but it will affect my life significantly. In many good ways and a couple of not-so-great ways. But there is an immense amount of hope and faith going into it. For now, I'm looking at it as another aspect of this decade being On Fire.

And, that leaves the scheduled changes:

~ Brianna can get a driving permit now. She doesn't really seem that enthused about it, but it's still a milestone for her. I'll be taking her to the BMV on the 11th to get everything taken care of. Then starts the fun of parking lot driving. Since we have only my Jeep, she will be learning a manual transmission which is awesome.

~ I'll be renewing my driving license and plates very soon, too. I wavered a little about keeping my personalized plates. It's an expense I don't need, of course. But the smile they bring me when I see them? I think it's worth it.

~ The kittens are growing nicely and are just starting to get the fuzzy-cute look to them. I'm going to be introducing Nala to the rest of the house pretty soon so that she learns more about indoor living. I'm nervous for my own cats since Nala is a tough little thing, but I want her to have a good home soon and more people would be likely to take her if she can get along with others. At this point, two kittens have a home and I'm sure the others will find homes soon after I start posting more pictures.

~ This one isn't really a scheduled change, but a good life-change anyway. I have been studying more about herbs lately and have been able to make some changes to my arnica blend. I found two more herbs that will help with muscle pain. I also am taking a course in crystal healing that is based on the science of the crystals' vibrations. So far it's pretty cool. There are other course I want to take later and I know I will enjoy them. Do I care about a degree? No, not in the least. But the learning is fun. And important to my health.

May you all find peace and wisdom in the changes coming your way.
Namasté.

A very busy week.

First there was an issue with the kitchen sink. A pretty large crack in the hose was causing water to leak whether I was using the sprayer or not. Interestingly enough, it was not a standard faucet so I ended up replacing the whole thing. A total of three trips to the hardware store was all it took. Kevin helped me laugh about it instead of getting more frustrated. That was on Tuesday.

Wednesday was filled with an urgency to do something for the cat we've been calling Nala. You may remember that she bit me a little while ago. I felt this very strong need to get her indoors. Brianna and I cleared the furnace room and all the clean laundry from the laundry room and coaxed her in. We let her go in and out a few times and didn't close the back door for a couple hours. Finally, right before lunch I knew the door needed to close and she needed to be kept inside. Sure enough, she decided to lay down in the box we made for her and sleep. Every time I left the area she'd get up and try to follow me. A couple times she climbed into my lap and leaned against my chest. No hissing, no teeth, just a need for comfort. The first kitten was born around 1:15 and Brianna & I were both in there to see it. So amazing! And even more astonishing? She had seven and they are all healthy.

What makes this cat more special than all the others I've rescued or TNRed? I don't really know. I do know that she was feral, and still quite young. I know that it took at least 2 weeks to get her to the point where we could touch her. Perhaps one of her kittens will help someone who is sad. Maybe she will find a home with someone who needs that sassy attitude that she has. I don't know the big picture.

(In the picture to the right, she is actually standing, leaning on the side of the "cave" we made, and sleeping with her head resting on her kittens.)

New starts

It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, don't worry, the world is still turning and some great things have been happening in most areas of my life.

There are new business ideas bouncing around my head, new fitness goals running through my legs, new creative projects springing up in my fingertips, and so much more.

My picture today is the top of a pineapple that I had the pleasure of enjoying this weekend. I had the idea that I could try growing my own. I did try this once before, without success, but this time might be a lot better. What you see is a jar of air. From all that I've read, the base is supposed to dry out, then you root it in water. I'll be adding just a touch of rooting hormone to the water to help the roots along, then, when it reaches the right rootedness, I'll put it in a pretty pot. My hope is that it will produce fruit in about 3 years.

The summer schedule is underway and the days now begin at 4:30. This is when there is the most peace of the day, I think. It will be a little challenging balancing out the two work schedules along with my personal schedule. The work can overlap a lot (and does, of course) since neither job requires my full attention at all times. The personal schedule is a little more snug since I have a deadline and I have to shift it day to day around work. Still, I'm determined.

In the meantime, the house is quiet and I have more projects to start.

May you all have a blessed day.

the only constant...

This has been a very strange week of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows, fears and discoveries.

The fears could be laughable in someone else's eyes, but they are there just the same. It was only this morning that I realized why some of the fears are overwhelming at times. "I expect the bad experiences from my past to be repeated because I am the only constant," she said. I sat a little while and absorbed that thought. Then I thought some more about why that resonated so strongly within me. And, it's because it is true.

It’s hard letting go of the past hurts because I’m the only one that went through them all. Three dads who walked away, an abusive mother, a husband who turned to drugs, a boyfriend who did the same, another who walked away from the relationship… it makes a person think that they are the one who isn’t right. It pushes the awesomeness aside and points to all the flaws in your own Being. It causes some part of us to believe that we deserve the self-hate and the hurt. I can logically tell myself that I don’t deserve it, but unless it manifests in my heart, it will be harder to live hate-free. And Fear-free. Yes, even now there are fears I have that sometimes try to take over the wonderful person that I am. Those fears tell me that I'm not deserving of this person's friendship or that person's love or this person's Truth.

And, I feel despair at times. There are so few people who I have shared those moments with. In fact, I could probably name them on my mother's right hand and still have some fingers left over (her forefinger was amputated). And in that very precious few, only one knows most of the fears and negativity (no one knows them all) and still loves me and hasn't walked away.

So... what to do about this? Try a little harder to believe in the fact that I am a good person. Try to believe more in the fact that others see something wonderful in me. Try a little harder to let go of the hurts caused by someone else. And, mostly, try a lot harder to keep believing in Me.

I am choosing to celebrate the  wonderful aspects of my Life.