Rising slowly...

Have you missed me?

I can't say that the last few months have been fabulous, but neither have they been horrible. I've been struggling with some hurts and decisions and the direction I want my life to be heading. This is never an easy task and one made even more difficult when there are other lives intertwined with mine. I have my children to think about. Granted, one is now an adult and can take care of himself and the other is nearly an adult and will soon be out on her own. But they are still considered with the decisions I make, especially the really big ones. I have others, too, but their part is too vast in this to even attempt the task of narrowing it down to mere words.

I had withdrawn into my deepest Self at the end of February. The reasons for that are my own and I've only shared them with one person. I may never share them with other people, but that could change over time. As everything can, and always does, change. During this time, I had been thinking about how I let other people affect me. I'd been contemplating prescription medication (yeah, really). I'd been trying to figure out what I should fight for and what I should let go of. In the middle of it all my spark of Light and Hope flickered to nearly nothing and I almost gave up everything. Don't get me wrong, I'd never end my life or anything like that, but there are other ways to give up. One is to give up that brilliance that we all have inside. To give that up means that you just go from day to day following the routine, smiling when it's appropriate, answering the questions people ask you, and never allowing the beauty of the world to really touch your soul. To me, that is a far deeper death than the cessation of bodily life.

During this time of sheltering my Self, there were only a few moments of emotional connection and they brought on such a rush of chaos or pain that I broke down and cried. Some of those times I didn't merely shed a few tears, I sobbed so fiercely that I thought I'd break in two. And, when the words I spoke were misunderstood or even ignored by those around me, I stepped back into my cave.

I read the various "words of wisdom" that were splashed in my books, across Facebook, and written in other places and I tried to figure out how they fit into my life. Fight for what you believe in. Let go of the struggle. Live your life to the fullest. Find gratitude in the life you have. Eliminate the toxic people from your life. Forgive those who cause you pain. Hold on. Let go. Smile. Cry. Be at peace. Let the rage wash over you. Don't give up. Accept your fate.Where is the enlightenment in the middle of so many conflicting messages? Which answers really fit the Life I want to give to myself? What choices do I make?

Part of me realized that there is a need for all of those bits of wisdom. During some parts of my life I will need to forgive the hurts and keep those people around, during others I will need to forgive and walk away without looking back. At some points I will need to smile and let joy shine through, at others I will need to cry and let the rage boil over. All of these are vital to a life lived to the best of my ability. I deserve nothing less than that.

I knew something had to change so I started working on some things that would help my future be a little more stable. Each day I worked on something that would benefit my life in some way or another. Some days it was making sure I meditated. Many days it was dyeing extra yarns. Once in a while it was letting myself just stare out the window at the birds in the back yard for a little while. Regardless of what it was that I did, I made sure it was done with reverence for the gift of Life that I had been given.

Yesterday a lot of those things coalesced into a fabulous day of celebrations. The money for my CCW permit, the filing of my business registration, the completion of one of my healer's certifications, the order placed for more shipping labels, the lunch with my son, the requirement met for the new team in Nerd Wars, and, perhaps most important, the support I felt from my loved ones and my friends.

Are there still pieces of my life that are in shambles? Yes, of course. But I have come to realize that it's not entirely up to me to rebuild what has been shattered. Some things that have been broken need repairs from other people, too. My job is to live my life with the integrity that I know I am capable of, with the bravery I know I have inside me, and with the dedication to what I believe in that I know I have the capacity for. (Hah! I just realized that the antonyms for those are honor, courage, and commitment... yes, I find that amusing, considering that the first 28 years of my life I thought bad things about the Marine Corps.)

And now? Now I am taking the time to breathe. And to Shine just a little bit until I feel stable again with all the emotions.

It's been a while...

There have been many things going on lately, but few of them are anything I wanted to put into words. It just seemed that they would be too real, I think.

I updated my blood tests a couple weeks ago and all the numbers were much, much better. The only concern was an occasional bit of tachycardia. The doctor recommended an EKG, then an echo-cardiogram. Both turned out to be very normal in just about every way. My doctor was very impressed with the changes in my eating habits, my exercising, my weight loss, and so much more. I think the most important part of it all was the pride I had in myself for the times I dkept going, for when I chose not to give up.

Winter has been a strange one. Temperatures ranging from the lower 60s one day and lower 20s the next. It's been an interesting challenge to know how to dress when we head out the door. I am happy for it all, though. The coldest days give me the incentive to stay indoors and think about my life while I work. The warmer days draw me outdoors and give me the relief I need from the greyness. On the most dark of days I will light candles and turn up the music. On the sunny days I smile at the crystal-produced rainbows scattered on my walls. Through it all, I hold the hope of Spring's return.

There is more that I'd like to write, but I waited too long and the night is upon me, telling me that it's time to lay down and dream for a while.

Surprises, late

December 24 - 
On the 14th, I got a text from Anthony asking if I was awake. It was 4:21am. No, of course I wasn't, but I sent a text back and asked him what was going on. After a couple texts back & forth about little things, I was starting to get pretty annoyed. It seemed like a series of drunk texts, and I thought it was one of his friends or something. Then he called me and asked me to go outside. I grumbled about it being cold and some other nonsense, while I was trying to figure out why I'd want to walk outside in the wee hours of the morning. I could hear his cat in the background and figured he was at his friend's house. Well, I stepped into the entry, thinking there was something about the moon or something that he wanted to share with me (I still wasn't quite awake). Instead, I saw his smiling face in the outer door window. And the furry face of Athena. He'd been able to get leave, but wanted to surprise me with it. Very cool.

January 4 -
I started this a while ago and never got back to it... Oh well. It's been a fun couple of weeks for the most part. As you gathered from the previous paragraph, Anthony was home for the holidays. Having both of my kids here, truly, was the best gift of all.

What's going on now? I feel a renewed sense of direction in many areas of my life. Health is at the forefront of things, physical, spiritual, emotional... all of it. I have a list of goals and plans (not resolutions) and I'm looking forward to implementing them. These are all pretty personal and I don't really feel like sharing them right now. Perhaps, with time, I will, but for now they feel too fragile to put here is pixels.

In the meantime, here is the progress on my orchid. Isn't it fabulous!?

 

January 5 - Another cousin has been linked on my Facebook page. I can't help but feel a little strange knowing that there are people out there who are related to me, but whom I've never met. Entire lifetimes have passed between the time my mother moved us away and now. Children have been born, parents have died, joys have been experienced, sorrows have dealt their blows. And all without the knowledge of one another.   

January 7 - Our lives are truly precious. One small and simple mistake can really bring that into the forefront of my mind and make me take a really hard look at what my life is filled with. There was such a mistake last night. It was handled rather quickly (instincts kicked in immediately) and no one is worse for the wear. The only issue this morning is a raspy voice (mine). The short story is that I made chlorine gas last night unexpectedly. After clearing the house with fans and a call to Poison Control, I followed all the instructions they gave me. 

The whole thing didn't really sink in until this morning, though. Brianna slept through her alarm and, until I woke her up, I was slightly panicked. After she went to school I actually began shaking. Yes, I'm admitting this on here, I was scared. I'm not going to dwell on what might have happened (though I did briefly). Instead I'm going to see this as another wake-up call. One to make me take a hard look at what is in my Life, what needs to be reevaluated, what needs to be renegotiated, what needs to be let go of completely, and, perhaps most important of all, what needs to be cherished.

I'm still a little shaky, but I'm going to go workout for a little while. I'm hoping that will help.

Collecting moments

I've had days, lately, when I've felt like letting go, giving up, and retreating from life for a while. But what good would that do me? None at all. And so, I keep going. Perhaps this is part of being On Fire, too... small embers that are hidden in the ashes, just warm enough to relight the flames with just a bit of fresh air.

I've been writing a lot lately. Some of it is good stuff, some of it is just my hurts and concerns. Some will be burned in a small fire, some will be shared with the appropriate people, some will be buried in the yard. All of this is a way to help me get things sorted out and determine how to set my sails.

-

I've had this orchid for a couple years. Its flowers fell off long ago and it didn't put out another spike until recently. I had decided to mount it onto a piece of wood and hang it on the wall and in the process I noticed that there was a tiny spike with some nubby sections. I was so very excited and a little nervous that I'd messed it up from yanking it from the pot (the roots had attached themselves). Today it seems like a pretty happy plant.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this all turns out.

-


There are days when all seems to go right, and days when all seems to go wrong. But in each of those situations there are moments to hold onto. Anthony's smile when I opened the door, Brianna's laughter during a movie she didn't really care to watch, Kevin wrapping a warm blanket around me when I wasn't feeling good. These are all such small things, but have such an impact on my heart. When I think about these things I know that my life really is blessed. Each hard time is just a little sorrow in the grand scheme of things. Each smile is a ray of light helping me along.

-

This weekend was a little crazy, but all in all it was pretty good. I have a couple new ideas to implement for the business, a couple dreams to put on the shelf, a couple fires to light, and I'm looking forward to getting a few things cleared away so I can hang the new calendar with a fresh start. Some of this will be very easy, some will be quite a challenge... all of it is Life.

Not much...

It's been over two weeks since I last wrote. There isn't a specific reason, I just haven't gotten that many things finished lately. We did the turkey dinner for Thanksgiving and shared the time with family, I started a more focused effort on getting rid of junk around the place, I repaired the door handle on the Jeep, and I have been dyeing self-striping yarn.

That's really about it other than the myriad thoughts that are constantly going through my mind.

Creativity

There are times when I wonder what kind of a life I'd have lived if I wasn't creative. Then I laugh because I know that's just not possible. And I am filled with joy.

I finally know what I'll be doing with the denim jacket that was given to me a few years ago. I wanted it to be really special since someone very special gave it to me. I wanted to show my Spirituality with the honor I feel it deserves. I wanted to include vibrant colors for the Life I feel. I wanted it to be beautiful. And now, I have decided to embroider several designs onto the front and back of this jacket. Yes, it will take longer than painting it, but I will be stitching a lot of gratitude and intention with each stitch. I can't wait to get started!

I split wood this past weekend. I know many people see that as a chore and a bother, but I truly enjoy it. There is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes from knowing that I can do that. That I can take these large pieces of wood and shape them into something useful. Granted, it's not really "survival" anymore, but it still feels good.

While pulverizing one piece (I didn't say I was great at splitting wood, only that I enjoy it), I chipped off a piece that will be perfect for mounting my orchid onto. I still need some wire & moss, but I know it's going to look pretty cool when I'm done with it.

Lately I've been thinking about my direction. Where have I been? Where am I hoping to go? Where am I now? There were a lot of good things about where I've been (along with some challenges) and I try to see it all as helping me to get to where I want to be. There are some paths that I long to take and, even though the future is pretty scary sometimes, I look forward to facing the stumbles. And, there are bright moments about where I am, even though I can't always see them. All in all, this life is a good one. Perhaps not entirely what I'd hoped for, or what my mother had hoped for, but good nonetheless. And I'm determined to keep making it better.

Pictures, Late

October 29 -


October 31 -

This past weekend I got to drill through a cinder block. Not quite as exciting as drilling into a rock, but still interesting.

November 10 marked the anniversary of the first time my Dad held me. He'd returned from Viet Nam (his second tour there) and still hadn't gotten to see pictures of me. So, in a way, I was unreal to him until the day he held me. I think it's pretty cool that it is also the USMC birthday.

I don't have anything stellar to write today, so I'll be wishing you all a bright day, even through the rain.

Indian Summer

Do you know what the term "Indian Summer" means? It's a period of unseasonably warm (and dry) weather that comes after a killing frost. We had the frost and now we are having warm weather, albeit a little wet.

Did you also know that it means a period of happiness or success late in life? I didn't, but it makes a lot of sense. I'm still mulling that one over, but I like it a lot. How much frost and cold and death do we experience as we get older? The day to day struggle, the sorrow of our children growing up and leaving home, the loss of loved ones and friends. In the middle of it all we are also blessed with finding new ways to be successful, the joy and pride of seeing our children making it on their own, and welcoming new lives and friends.

This past week has been a lot of struggle for me. It's not often that I feel maudlin about my mother's passing, but this last week I did. There are things going on in my life that I'd like to tell her about. Successes, lessons learned, the beauty and love that I feel for my own children, the pride I have in myself for not being a charity case... and so much more.

Often I am enjoying new adventures and I feel so much amazement at most of them. This weekend? Well, I used the winch on the Jeep to help bring down a tree, but the best part of the day was climbing the side of a very steep hill with Brianna. It was a little scary at many points simply because the ground was still waterlogged, there was a thick layer of damp leaves over loads of acorns, and neither of us were wearing proper shoes. But when we reached the top, it felt amazing to know that we did it with no major injuries. And the memory of the look on Brianna's face was something I will carry with me for the rest of my years as a wonderful blessing.

I've been pushing myself in other ways, too. The exercising, for example. I ramped up to an hour each day (split into 30 minute sessions) and on Friday I reached Lothlorien with a total of 921.6 Miles. I was so excited by that milestone! I know I still have many more to go, but I am looking forward to continuing this journey.

At the end of this day, I am looking forward to falling asleep and hoping that the people I love will wake tomorrow with a smile in their hearts and a liveliness to their steps.

Namasté.

Espresso!

Yes, I now have a lovely machine to create espresso and cappuccino. It's from my Dad and I've been playing around with getting the froth right. I love the fact that my 1% milk can bring such a rich and creamy texture to my coffee each day. I just might stop buying half & half. You see, while I was in Asheville I had a couple chai lattes and have decided that I really like it a lot. I'll be using this little machine to enjoy that sweet drink (with stevia instead of sugar) right here at home.

I also got a new dress. This is something that I'd not planned to do for quite some time, but we had a wedding to attend on the 13th and I just didn't feel right wearing my Gypsyesque attire. And so, we went shopping and found something at the local Goodwill (I really do like that place). I wasn't really sure how it would look on me since the mirrors in the dressing rooms are inadequate and I had the opinion of a teen daughter who really didn't feel like shopping. After it was washed & dried, I put it back on and was told again that it looked pretty good on me.

The wedding was a lovely event. Outdoors, nice breeze, great temperatures. And! My friend Maha was the one officiating (she also does healing work). How cool is that? When we got to the reception I was quite impressed with the simple, yet elegant decor. Very Autumn-like with various squashes, pine cones, and apples. The food was Mediterranean and was delicious. I splurged a bit that day with the gyro bread and didn't feel guilty at all.

Afterward we enjoyed a quiet weekend with laughter, movies, and the great feeling of family.

Sunday morning I woke thinking about my Mom (it was her birthday) and how much more I miss her now than I did when I was only twenty-three. I hardly gave her a second thought for a few years after she passed away. I'd carried resentment for so many things and just figured it was better to leave her out of my thoughts than to get angry every time she crossed my mind. It wasn't until a month or so after my car accident that I began to think of her with any kind of appreciation. Brianna brought that about with her complete faith in her angel, who I am certain was my mother.

While on the phone with my Dad that night, though... I could hear in his voice the love he still has for her. Yes, even after all of these years. They've been apart for nearly four decades at this point. No, I'm not joking. I think I was four years old at the time she left him. And still, his voice cracks a little when he speaks of her.

I feel blessed to have come from a love like that.

Settled in...

Well, everything has been put away and things have settled back into a routine. My days are as busy as ever and I feel pretty happy with the daily accomplishments most of the time. Still, there are times  when I think about sleeping the day away.

But then I remember how much I have to do or want to do, and I know that a nap would not be an option.

I'm over the weird cold I had and am looking forward to becoming more active in the workouts. Last week was a bit of a bust. But I know that I will still have enough time to achieve my goals.

-

Oddly enough, I'm not feeling that much inspiration to write much else today. I've been busy with some clearing out, some journaling, some candles, and more. Other than that, there is nothing new to mention.

I do hope you all have a beautiful week!