Still Catching Up...

Day twenty: Darkness

There are different kinds of darkness and each affects us differently. On a summer night the darkness can bring a sense of peace to our minds, a softness to the edges of life. In the middle of winter the darkness can invigorate our sense with the sharpness and clarity reflected in the stars above.

When there is a darkness in our souls, though, it can hurt. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming and crushing. Some people are unable to see what little bit of light and hope is in their lives.

My sincere wish for you all is that any darkness you experience... I hope that you find solace and peace and Light.

A week of thoughts...

This has been a fairly hectic and sometimes strained week. Writing has not been in the list of vital things to do, but that has brought a sense of incompleteness to my days. I've been so busy with a variety of other things that even my journal has been set aside. I'm hoping to get caught up and to stay focused.

Day seventeen: Mystery

I look around me at the changing season and can feel the desire rising to be more creative. I want to find something to express the ideas and passions in my soul. The twists and turns, the splashes of color, the beauty. Knitting has been my canvas for several years. Before that it was beadwork, and before that it was counted cross-stitch.

Why, when the natural rhythm of the planet is urging us to slow down and to rest, do I want to decorate the world with the visions in my head?

Day eighteen: Sorrow

I started this as a personal journey to look within and see what is there, guided by the prompts of a friend's own journey. When I saw this prompt I had to stop for a moment. I don't have a deep sorrow this year. Yes, I miss some of my loved ones and I do worry about some of them, but I've not lost anyone dear to me this year. My son is no longer in Afghanistan. My family is mostly intact and safe. Yet... I do feel the tears rise for others. For the children who won't get to see a parent this season, for the parents who are missing their children, and for those who lost a loved one and are looking at the festivities with a heavy heart.  I do wish I could hug them all and tell them that, though I can't know how they feel, my heart is going out to them.

Day nineteen: Suffering

Do most of us even know what suffering is? I have been so blessed in my own life that I am certain I can't fathom the depth of suffering others feel. Even so, when I see someone with pain in their eyes it breaks my heart a bit. When I hear about a parent losing a child, the tears flow freely. But that does nothing to ease the world's pain.

I've written and rewritten a few paragraphs for this day, yet none of them truly convey what I'm feeling. I can't really find the words. What I wished to do was to share something that would lighten someone's day. To ease the suffering they might be feeling. I feel inadequate.

-

I know that I still have a few days to catch up on, but they will have to come later.

Catching up

Day fourteen: Star

The stars, the stars. Oh, how bright they'll shine, on that home that we build in the meadow.

Since I was a very young child I have been fascinated by the stars. I can remember traveling somewhere late in the night and looking up into the sky at the stars and wondering why they seemed to stay with us. I have no idea where we were going or coming from, only that I usually fell asleep with the stars in my dreams. Even when I was a little older (around 12 or so) my bed was positioned in such a way that I could look up as I drifted off.

I don't know that many constellations or even which stars are in the hemisphere, but I've always been able to pick out the Three Braves and the Bear, the Hunter, the Dragon. Occasionally I can find others, but it's not the imaginings of others that interest me the most, it's the wonder of the stars themselves. The distance, their size, and their beauty.

Day fifteen: Nature

Nature has always held a very important role in my life. From watching a mama "horny toad" with her babies in a Texas back yard to seeing the graceful swoop of a bald eagle in flight on the Huron River, I've always been able to feel a sense of wonder at the wildlife around me. Perhaps that is part of why I wanted to live in the mountains so much... there were more animals than people.

I could go one about this subject, but I think it would be a whole post an I do need to shower and get ready to sleep.

Day sixteen: Cycle

Each time the days shorten to nearly nothing I've felt a pull to slow down and really take a look at my life. At the same time I feel a great need to create something new and wonderful. In the years past I've used that fire to design a couple of sweaters. They both were fabulous in their own ways and I love them. Last year I was hit with another design, but haven't yet put it to paper. But it's there, building and waiting.

Around the Solstice I usually take time to be alone. I'm not sure how that will happen this year, but I will do what I can to make it so. Generally, I sit in silence and think about the longest night and how the Earth is shifting and tilting to give us the cycle of seasons. I think about the position of the planets around us and the cycle of the sun. I think about the animals sleeping soundly and the birds flitting from tree to tree. I think about Life and Death and how it all spirals around us, each day.

Day thirteen: Gift

It's a dangerous business, going out your door.
You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet,
there's no telling where you might be swept off to.

I think about the gifts I have received over the years and realize that, even though others might not see how precious they are, these gifts are truly jewels. And... they aren't what you might think.

A car accident that "should have" killed me and my daughter. A gunshot in my back yard. Struggling with the bills for so long. Even my recent bout with pneumonia. Each and every one of these caused me to stop at that point in my life and reevaluate what was going on. Was I really taking good care of myself? Was I truly doing what was best in my life? What did I need to focus on?

I'm not saying that I want to receive these gifts frequently, but when they do come along, I hope that I always have the clarity of mind to see them as a way to stop and gather my strength and make better choices. The most important way for me to live is to be true to myself. I know that others will not agree with my choices, but they are mine and no longer will they be to appease another.

Day twelve: Ornament

Warm and Cozy

When I think about the ornaments I've had over the years I can't help but smile. There have been the cute homemade ones that the kids would bring home from school, their faces beaming with delight with the knowledge that they did something cool. There were special ones that we'd pick out each year, one new ornament for each of us. Even the simple glass balls that added a little glamour to our wee trees.

But my favorite one of all is this one. There is a hole in the back where a light plugs in (the regular strand kind of bulb) and creates a soft glow in the "room". I have had this since before Anthony was born, but I'm not sure exactly how far back. I do recall that I bought it from my Avon lady. This one is my favorite simply because it embodies all that I think of when I think of a warm and peaceful evening. The fireplace is glowing with the flames, the cat is curled up and sleeping, books on the mantle are waiting to be read, and the tree is quietly reminding us that Nature is a huge part of this season.

It's funny, the emotional attachment we place on things. I know that this is a silly bit of plastic, and I'm not even reminiscent of the time that it was purchased. Instead, it's the feeling of hope and wonder that it reminds me of.

May you all have a wonder-filled day.

Day eleven: Wreath

I realized that I've never actually had a wreath. I thought about it and can't recall ever a time when we had one in the house, on the door, or even on the car. If I got one, though... no, I'd make one. With lots of dried herbs and spices so that it would be fragrant and pretty all at the same time. Maybe I'll have to do that soon. With crystals, too.

Wreaths are supposed to represent eternity and strength and they have an amazingly long history. I won't go into the details this morning, but you could check out the Wikipedia page about them.

Day ten: Lights

December 10, 2013

A day late... I did have a plan to post yesterday, but then shut off the computer without thinking.

I've always loved the magic and beauty of holiday lights. I've even had the white ones strung up around my house throughout the year (it's been a long time... I might have to do it again soon). I can recall laying on the floor of my Phoenix apartment with my kids just watching the tree twinkle to the music (I had a cool box that we'd plug the lights into).

Through the years I had lost the desire to put up a tree and decorations. I guess you could say that I was becoming a bit of a Scrooge. But that started to change a few years ago when Brianna told me that she really wanted a tree. It was then that I started to feel more "in the spirit" of the holidays. Instead of grumbling about the Christmas music in the stores I'd start to hum along (or sing if I knew the words). I'd even look at the new ornaments that were out for the year with delight instead of dread.

This year, Brianna and I decorated the house instead of a tree. This way, each room has something in it to bring a smile to our day. We hung the lights in our bedrooms since that is where we are most of the time and I can't help but smile when I walk into one of the rooms and see the bright colors.

Day nine: Bells

August 23, 2013 -
Oddly enough, this is the only picture I can find of my
chimes and you can barely see them on the right.

I think of all the bells that have had a significance in my life and realized that most of them are the soft laughter of the wind chimes in my gardens and yards. As far back as I can remember there have been chimes singing out in the night as I drifted off to sleep. During the soft breezes I'd hear a gentle ting of the metal hitting against the wooden striker. When the storms would, hit the clang of the pipes would ring out in alarm at the sudden gusts. Then they would quiet again as the thunder faded.

There was a small set that I'd hung in the front bushes in Sandusky. The neighborhood cats would walk near them, occasionally rubbing against them before they'd lay down for a cool nap in the shade. There were larger sets hung near the gates to the back yard that would warn me of any uninvited visitors. And there is a large set of pipes currently in a box awaiting new string for repairing. I even have a tiny chime that was once a pair of earrings and I'd smile as I walked because I felt like I was carrying the magic with me.

I can't imagine a home without the sound of wind chimes. No more than I can envision a home without a cat. It would just feel discordant to me.

Day eight: Evergreen

August 18, 2013

What does it mean to be evergreen? Yes, I know that during this season's festivities there are a lot of evergreen trees and wreaths and other decorations, but what do they symbolize?

Interestingly enough, each evergreen tree or shrub has a different "meaning". For example, cedar represents healing, pines are for eternal life, spruce for hope, and juniper is for protection. There are, of course, more detailed descriptions of all of these, but I'm not going to add them all tonight.

I decided to take this idea and internalize it a bit. To be evergreen would mean to remain flexible and able to bend when the winds are blowing you around. To be able to let the winter come, bearing the weight of the snowy burden without breaking. And to stay strong enough to stand up straight again when the storm has passed.

Can I be evergreen? Can I get through the turbulence and the burden and still stand up straight when the spring comes again? Most of me says yes. even though there is a small part that wonders if some part of me will break under the weight of the snow (worries). But most of me is sure that I won't break. No part of me. I will stay strong and flexible and able to stand tall after all is said and done.

Day Seven: Hope

February 26, 2002

I think back at some of the hopes I've had over the years. For the world, for my children, for myself. In the dark hours of the night, so many of those faded hopes are visibly broken and battered. So many are empty in that glaring reality of the wee smas.

But that changes, too. There are mornings when I rise and I think that the hopes are stronger than ever. When it seems that the clearer reality is actually while the sun is rising and the world is filled with possibility.

My hopes right now are simple. Good health for my loved ones and myself, a brighter future for the generations to come, and a deep inner peace for everyone.

Day six: Stand Still...

January 22, 2008ce

I read this morning's prompt and drew a blank for what to write. But that's part of the daily challenge, isn't it? To expand your thoughts a bit?

As I went about my day I realized just how far I was from being fully recovered. The tiredness set in pretty early in the day and followed me throughout. But I looked at it as a lesson and not as something to bang my head against. And I reminded myself to be patient.


I'm also thinking about my children tonight. How they have grown into the individual beings that they are and how their lives might be one day. This morning I spoke with a friend and shared the joy and pride I feel for them both. This evening I did the same with another friend. Perhaps it is the passing of time that is causing my thoughts to center on my kids. Perhaps it's the wish that it wasn't passing so swiftly while wishing it would pass a little faster.

Today, I'm going to remember that it's best to just stand still and enjoy each moment as they come. In that silence I will also remember that the moments I have to myself are going to be where I let go of their child-ness as they step into the world of adulthood.

Post a day?

I'm currently taking part in a crafty picture-a-day bit of fun and am enjoying it so far. I know that a part of my challenge is following it through to the end. I've been great at starting these things only to let it dwindle within a couple of weeks. But I'm saying that it's different now. Why? Because I will make it so.

Another woman (you really should check out her blog) put up this image a couple of days ago and I was thinking pretty hard about the prompts. But, I couldn't think of anything that would be "right" for the pictures. Only words. And so... I'm going to post each day based on the prompt. I'm going to be using this as a kickstart to getting this blog more current, more vibrant, and more On Fire.

Since I'm a few days late in getting started, I'll combine the first five days here:

One: Advent

I will admit that I don't have a clear understanding of what Advent is. I didn't attend church when I was young except for the occasional trip with Grammie or something like that. When I was about fourteen I was given the opportunity to visit a variety of churches so that I could find one that I liked. I ended up choosing the Peoria Presbyterian Church because of the way everyone felt like they knew each other, it was small, and the pastor and his family were pretty cool. Even though I attended every Sunday and even had a big part of the VBS, I didn't learn the particulars of each season. The basics, yes, but not the finer details.

So I looked up what "advent" means.

ad·vent

ˈadˌvent/

noun

noun: advent; plural noun: advents

1.

the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event.

2. Advent

   a. The liturgical period preceding Christmas, beginning in Western churches on the fourth Sunday before Christmas and in Eastern churches in mid-November, and observed by many Christians as a season of prayer, fasting, and penitence.

I'll be honest, that didn't really help me to understand. But I gave it some thought and broke it down in a way that resonated with me. "The arrival" of something notable. That could mean so many different things to each person. To me, it meant the coming of a time to learn more about my own Self. The same Self that I'd set aside because she didn't fit the role of what I thought was supposed to be. The same Self that was dwindling with each passing year. The same Self that wanted to fly and sing and dance. For many, this is a time of prayer and thoughtfulness. I will be using it for meditation, journaling, and growing.

Two :Wait

Waiting isn't easy for me. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it's been that way for a long while now. Currently I am waiting to finish recovering from pneumonia. I've been impatient with the process, angry with my body's slowness and fatigue, and frustrated with my lungs' diminished capacity for deep breathing.

And yet... I'm learning to look at this as a lesson. To slow down, to listen to my limits, to say no when I am already overreaching and overworking. To take better care of my Self. To rest and to recharge. Sometimes waiting is exactly what is needed.

Three: Listen

My days used to be filled with music. I'd turn the radio on in the morning (or set up a few cds or a long playlist on the computer) and not turn it off until I went to bed. Sometimes I'd even set up a soothing bit of music to sleep by. That dwindled somewhat over the years and I missed it so very much. I can't place my finger on a time when I actually stopped turning the music on each day, but I know it's been a long time. On Tuesday (the day this prompt was for), I set up Pandora and left it running all day. It was so nice coming home to a beautiful song! It was also nice having the peace of the music flowing through my house all throughout the day.

Four: Promise

This one was harder to think about. You see, I have a promise inside just for Me. A promise that I cannot share aloud. But it is strong and proud and fierce. I can feel it glowing and growing. For now, I will share this bit... I promise to listen to my intuition and to act on the messages I feel/hear.

Five: Anticipation

In many ways, I've forgotten what anticipation felt like. I can clearly recall worry, wondering at an outcome, and even waiting for someone to show up at the door. But anticipation? That wonder-filled emotion that makes your breath come quicker, brings a smile to your eyes, and sends a tremor of delight through your bones? No, that's been a distant memory for ages. But... I was able to get Brianna a gift for Yule this year. One that she didn't ask for but I know that she wants it dearly. And it arrived yesterday while she was in school. Currently it is wrapped up and sitting on the altar next to the tree we have set up. and that feeling of anticipation began to bloom. I know that she won't care that I spent only a few dollars for it. I know that she won't care that it's not brand new. I also know that she will cherish it and it will bring that sparkle to her eyes. And I can't wait for her to open it. That is my anticipation right now.

Still alive?

Yes, apparently, I am. After dealing with a bout of bacterial pneumonia and learning to listen to my body's limitations while healing, I'm now able to take a deeper breath without coughing. Not as deep as I normally do, but so much better than the shallow breathing I've had to do for over a week & a half.

I've been thinking so much lately! During the hours that I have been awake (yes, I learned that naps are necessary to healing), I have been thinking about this blog (and my others), the story I want to write for my Dad, my journal, and some of my other stories. There are many ideas rumbling in my mind and I feel a need to get them out, onto paper or the computer.

I won't be starting this blog back up today, but there is a wonderful post in the making and I'll share it with you all as soon as I have focused long enough to get it out here.

I hope you are all doing well!

Rising slowly...

Have you missed me?

I can't say that the last few months have been fabulous, but neither have they been horrible. I've been struggling with some hurts and decisions and the direction I want my life to be heading. This is never an easy task and one made even more difficult when there are other lives intertwined with mine. I have my children to think about. Granted, one is now an adult and can take care of himself and the other is nearly an adult and will soon be out on her own. But they are still considered with the decisions I make, especially the really big ones. I have others, too, but their part is too vast in this to even attempt the task of narrowing it down to mere words.

I had withdrawn into my deepest Self at the end of February. The reasons for that are my own and I've only shared them with one person. I may never share them with other people, but that could change over time. As everything can, and always does, change. During this time, I had been thinking about how I let other people affect me. I'd been contemplating prescription medication (yeah, really). I'd been trying to figure out what I should fight for and what I should let go of. In the middle of it all my spark of Light and Hope flickered to nearly nothing and I almost gave up everything. Don't get me wrong, I'd never end my life or anything like that, but there are other ways to give up. One is to give up that brilliance that we all have inside. To give that up means that you just go from day to day following the routine, smiling when it's appropriate, answering the questions people ask you, and never allowing the beauty of the world to really touch your soul. To me, that is a far deeper death than the cessation of bodily life.

During this time of sheltering my Self, there were only a few moments of emotional connection and they brought on such a rush of chaos or pain that I broke down and cried. Some of those times I didn't merely shed a few tears, I sobbed so fiercely that I thought I'd break in two. And, when the words I spoke were misunderstood or even ignored by those around me, I stepped back into my cave.

I read the various "words of wisdom" that were splashed in my books, across Facebook, and written in other places and I tried to figure out how they fit into my life. Fight for what you believe in. Let go of the struggle. Live your life to the fullest. Find gratitude in the life you have. Eliminate the toxic people from your life. Forgive those who cause you pain. Hold on. Let go. Smile. Cry. Be at peace. Let the rage wash over you. Don't give up. Accept your fate.Where is the enlightenment in the middle of so many conflicting messages? Which answers really fit the Life I want to give to myself? What choices do I make?

Part of me realized that there is a need for all of those bits of wisdom. During some parts of my life I will need to forgive the hurts and keep those people around, during others I will need to forgive and walk away without looking back. At some points I will need to smile and let joy shine through, at others I will need to cry and let the rage boil over. All of these are vital to a life lived to the best of my ability. I deserve nothing less than that.

I knew something had to change so I started working on some things that would help my future be a little more stable. Each day I worked on something that would benefit my life in some way or another. Some days it was making sure I meditated. Many days it was dyeing extra yarns. Once in a while it was letting myself just stare out the window at the birds in the back yard for a little while. Regardless of what it was that I did, I made sure it was done with reverence for the gift of Life that I had been given.

Yesterday a lot of those things coalesced into a fabulous day of celebrations. The money for my CCW permit, the filing of my business registration, the completion of one of my healer's certifications, the order placed for more shipping labels, the lunch with my son, the requirement met for the new team in Nerd Wars, and, perhaps most important, the support I felt from my loved ones and my friends.

Are there still pieces of my life that are in shambles? Yes, of course. But I have come to realize that it's not entirely up to me to rebuild what has been shattered. Some things that have been broken need repairs from other people, too. My job is to live my life with the integrity that I know I am capable of, with the bravery I know I have inside me, and with the dedication to what I believe in that I know I have the capacity for. (Hah! I just realized that the antonyms for those are honor, courage, and commitment... yes, I find that amusing, considering that the first 28 years of my life I thought bad things about the Marine Corps.)

And now? Now I am taking the time to breathe. And to Shine just a little bit until I feel stable again with all the emotions.

It's been a while...

There have been many things going on lately, but few of them are anything I wanted to put into words. It just seemed that they would be too real, I think.

I updated my blood tests a couple weeks ago and all the numbers were much, much better. The only concern was an occasional bit of tachycardia. The doctor recommended an EKG, then an echo-cardiogram. Both turned out to be very normal in just about every way. My doctor was very impressed with the changes in my eating habits, my exercising, my weight loss, and so much more. I think the most important part of it all was the pride I had in myself for the times I dkept going, for when I chose not to give up.

Winter has been a strange one. Temperatures ranging from the lower 60s one day and lower 20s the next. It's been an interesting challenge to know how to dress when we head out the door. I am happy for it all, though. The coldest days give me the incentive to stay indoors and think about my life while I work. The warmer days draw me outdoors and give me the relief I need from the greyness. On the most dark of days I will light candles and turn up the music. On the sunny days I smile at the crystal-produced rainbows scattered on my walls. Through it all, I hold the hope of Spring's return.

There is more that I'd like to write, but I waited too long and the night is upon me, telling me that it's time to lay down and dream for a while.

Surprises, late

December 24 - 
On the 14th, I got a text from Anthony asking if I was awake. It was 4:21am. No, of course I wasn't, but I sent a text back and asked him what was going on. After a couple texts back & forth about little things, I was starting to get pretty annoyed. It seemed like a series of drunk texts, and I thought it was one of his friends or something. Then he called me and asked me to go outside. I grumbled about it being cold and some other nonsense, while I was trying to figure out why I'd want to walk outside in the wee hours of the morning. I could hear his cat in the background and figured he was at his friend's house. Well, I stepped into the entry, thinking there was something about the moon or something that he wanted to share with me (I still wasn't quite awake). Instead, I saw his smiling face in the outer door window. And the furry face of Athena. He'd been able to get leave, but wanted to surprise me with it. Very cool.

January 4 -
I started this a while ago and never got back to it... Oh well. It's been a fun couple of weeks for the most part. As you gathered from the previous paragraph, Anthony was home for the holidays. Having both of my kids here, truly, was the best gift of all.

What's going on now? I feel a renewed sense of direction in many areas of my life. Health is at the forefront of things, physical, spiritual, emotional... all of it. I have a list of goals and plans (not resolutions) and I'm looking forward to implementing them. These are all pretty personal and I don't really feel like sharing them right now. Perhaps, with time, I will, but for now they feel too fragile to put here is pixels.

In the meantime, here is the progress on my orchid. Isn't it fabulous!?

 

January 5 - Another cousin has been linked on my Facebook page. I can't help but feel a little strange knowing that there are people out there who are related to me, but whom I've never met. Entire lifetimes have passed between the time my mother moved us away and now. Children have been born, parents have died, joys have been experienced, sorrows have dealt their blows. And all without the knowledge of one another.   

January 7 - Our lives are truly precious. One small and simple mistake can really bring that into the forefront of my mind and make me take a really hard look at what my life is filled with. There was such a mistake last night. It was handled rather quickly (instincts kicked in immediately) and no one is worse for the wear. The only issue this morning is a raspy voice (mine). The short story is that I made chlorine gas last night unexpectedly. After clearing the house with fans and a call to Poison Control, I followed all the instructions they gave me. 

The whole thing didn't really sink in until this morning, though. Brianna slept through her alarm and, until I woke her up, I was slightly panicked. After she went to school I actually began shaking. Yes, I'm admitting this on here, I was scared. I'm not going to dwell on what might have happened (though I did briefly). Instead I'm going to see this as another wake-up call. One to make me take a hard look at what is in my Life, what needs to be reevaluated, what needs to be renegotiated, what needs to be let go of completely, and, perhaps most important of all, what needs to be cherished.

I'm still a little shaky, but I'm going to go workout for a little while. I'm hoping that will help.