Collecting moments

I've had days, lately, when I've felt like letting go, giving up, and retreating from life for a while. But what good would that do me? None at all. And so, I keep going. Perhaps this is part of being On Fire, too... small embers that are hidden in the ashes, just warm enough to relight the flames with just a bit of fresh air.

I've been writing a lot lately. Some of it is good stuff, some of it is just my hurts and concerns. Some will be burned in a small fire, some will be shared with the appropriate people, some will be buried in the yard. All of this is a way to help me get things sorted out and determine how to set my sails.

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I've had this orchid for a couple years. Its flowers fell off long ago and it didn't put out another spike until recently. I had decided to mount it onto a piece of wood and hang it on the wall and in the process I noticed that there was a tiny spike with some nubby sections. I was so very excited and a little nervous that I'd messed it up from yanking it from the pot (the roots had attached themselves). Today it seems like a pretty happy plant.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this all turns out.

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There are days when all seems to go right, and days when all seems to go wrong. But in each of those situations there are moments to hold onto. Anthony's smile when I opened the door, Brianna's laughter during a movie she didn't really care to watch, Kevin wrapping a warm blanket around me when I wasn't feeling good. These are all such small things, but have such an impact on my heart. When I think about these things I know that my life really is blessed. Each hard time is just a little sorrow in the grand scheme of things. Each smile is a ray of light helping me along.

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This weekend was a little crazy, but all in all it was pretty good. I have a couple new ideas to implement for the business, a couple dreams to put on the shelf, a couple fires to light, and I'm looking forward to getting a few things cleared away so I can hang the new calendar with a fresh start. Some of this will be very easy, some will be quite a challenge... all of it is Life.

Not much...

It's been over two weeks since I last wrote. There isn't a specific reason, I just haven't gotten that many things finished lately. We did the turkey dinner for Thanksgiving and shared the time with family, I started a more focused effort on getting rid of junk around the place, I repaired the door handle on the Jeep, and I have been dyeing self-striping yarn.

That's really about it other than the myriad thoughts that are constantly going through my mind.

Creativity

There are times when I wonder what kind of a life I'd have lived if I wasn't creative. Then I laugh because I know that's just not possible. And I am filled with joy.

I finally know what I'll be doing with the denim jacket that was given to me a few years ago. I wanted it to be really special since someone very special gave it to me. I wanted to show my Spirituality with the honor I feel it deserves. I wanted to include vibrant colors for the Life I feel. I wanted it to be beautiful. And now, I have decided to embroider several designs onto the front and back of this jacket. Yes, it will take longer than painting it, but I will be stitching a lot of gratitude and intention with each stitch. I can't wait to get started!

I split wood this past weekend. I know many people see that as a chore and a bother, but I truly enjoy it. There is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes from knowing that I can do that. That I can take these large pieces of wood and shape them into something useful. Granted, it's not really "survival" anymore, but it still feels good.

While pulverizing one piece (I didn't say I was great at splitting wood, only that I enjoy it), I chipped off a piece that will be perfect for mounting my orchid onto. I still need some wire & moss, but I know it's going to look pretty cool when I'm done with it.

Lately I've been thinking about my direction. Where have I been? Where am I hoping to go? Where am I now? There were a lot of good things about where I've been (along with some challenges) and I try to see it all as helping me to get to where I want to be. There are some paths that I long to take and, even though the future is pretty scary sometimes, I look forward to facing the stumbles. And, there are bright moments about where I am, even though I can't always see them. All in all, this life is a good one. Perhaps not entirely what I'd hoped for, or what my mother had hoped for, but good nonetheless. And I'm determined to keep making it better.

Pictures, Late

October 29 -


October 31 -

This past weekend I got to drill through a cinder block. Not quite as exciting as drilling into a rock, but still interesting.

November 10 marked the anniversary of the first time my Dad held me. He'd returned from Viet Nam (his second tour there) and still hadn't gotten to see pictures of me. So, in a way, I was unreal to him until the day he held me. I think it's pretty cool that it is also the USMC birthday.

I don't have anything stellar to write today, so I'll be wishing you all a bright day, even through the rain.

Indian Summer

Do you know what the term "Indian Summer" means? It's a period of unseasonably warm (and dry) weather that comes after a killing frost. We had the frost and now we are having warm weather, albeit a little wet.

Did you also know that it means a period of happiness or success late in life? I didn't, but it makes a lot of sense. I'm still mulling that one over, but I like it a lot. How much frost and cold and death do we experience as we get older? The day to day struggle, the sorrow of our children growing up and leaving home, the loss of loved ones and friends. In the middle of it all we are also blessed with finding new ways to be successful, the joy and pride of seeing our children making it on their own, and welcoming new lives and friends.

This past week has been a lot of struggle for me. It's not often that I feel maudlin about my mother's passing, but this last week I did. There are things going on in my life that I'd like to tell her about. Successes, lessons learned, the beauty and love that I feel for my own children, the pride I have in myself for not being a charity case... and so much more.

Often I am enjoying new adventures and I feel so much amazement at most of them. This weekend? Well, I used the winch on the Jeep to help bring down a tree, but the best part of the day was climbing the side of a very steep hill with Brianna. It was a little scary at many points simply because the ground was still waterlogged, there was a thick layer of damp leaves over loads of acorns, and neither of us were wearing proper shoes. But when we reached the top, it felt amazing to know that we did it with no major injuries. And the memory of the look on Brianna's face was something I will carry with me for the rest of my years as a wonderful blessing.

I've been pushing myself in other ways, too. The exercising, for example. I ramped up to an hour each day (split into 30 minute sessions) and on Friday I reached Lothlorien with a total of 921.6 Miles. I was so excited by that milestone! I know I still have many more to go, but I am looking forward to continuing this journey.

At the end of this day, I am looking forward to falling asleep and hoping that the people I love will wake tomorrow with a smile in their hearts and a liveliness to their steps.

Namasté.

Espresso!

Yes, I now have a lovely machine to create espresso and cappuccino. It's from my Dad and I've been playing around with getting the froth right. I love the fact that my 1% milk can bring such a rich and creamy texture to my coffee each day. I just might stop buying half & half. You see, while I was in Asheville I had a couple chai lattes and have decided that I really like it a lot. I'll be using this little machine to enjoy that sweet drink (with stevia instead of sugar) right here at home.

I also got a new dress. This is something that I'd not planned to do for quite some time, but we had a wedding to attend on the 13th and I just didn't feel right wearing my Gypsyesque attire. And so, we went shopping and found something at the local Goodwill (I really do like that place). I wasn't really sure how it would look on me since the mirrors in the dressing rooms are inadequate and I had the opinion of a teen daughter who really didn't feel like shopping. After it was washed & dried, I put it back on and was told again that it looked pretty good on me.

The wedding was a lovely event. Outdoors, nice breeze, great temperatures. And! My friend Maha was the one officiating (she also does healing work). How cool is that? When we got to the reception I was quite impressed with the simple, yet elegant decor. Very Autumn-like with various squashes, pine cones, and apples. The food was Mediterranean and was delicious. I splurged a bit that day with the gyro bread and didn't feel guilty at all.

Afterward we enjoyed a quiet weekend with laughter, movies, and the great feeling of family.

Sunday morning I woke thinking about my Mom (it was her birthday) and how much more I miss her now than I did when I was only twenty-three. I hardly gave her a second thought for a few years after she passed away. I'd carried resentment for so many things and just figured it was better to leave her out of my thoughts than to get angry every time she crossed my mind. It wasn't until a month or so after my car accident that I began to think of her with any kind of appreciation. Brianna brought that about with her complete faith in her angel, who I am certain was my mother.

While on the phone with my Dad that night, though... I could hear in his voice the love he still has for her. Yes, even after all of these years. They've been apart for nearly four decades at this point. No, I'm not joking. I think I was four years old at the time she left him. And still, his voice cracks a little when he speaks of her.

I feel blessed to have come from a love like that.

Settled in...

Well, everything has been put away and things have settled back into a routine. My days are as busy as ever and I feel pretty happy with the daily accomplishments most of the time. Still, there are times  when I think about sleeping the day away.

But then I remember how much I have to do or want to do, and I know that a nap would not be an option.

I'm over the weird cold I had and am looking forward to becoming more active in the workouts. Last week was a bit of a bust. But I know that I will still have enough time to achieve my goals.

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Oddly enough, I'm not feeling that much inspiration to write much else today. I've been busy with some clearing out, some journaling, some candles, and more. Other than that, there is nothing new to mention.

I do hope you all have a beautiful week!

What an adventure!

These last two weeks have been filled with so many new things!

On the 13th I boarded a plane to Asheville, NC. This was the first flight I actually chose to take. The others were forced upon me due to moving (flying from Washington to Phoenix when I was 10) or necessity (a deposition when I was 30) and I was miserable the whole time I was on those flights. This one, however, was more filled with the excitement of what was to come and the lovely surprise planned for April. Everything went so smoothly, too. The security check was a breeze, the flight had no mishaps, there was a shuttle waiting to take me to the other gate for the connecting flight, and the weather was lovely.

On the 15th I ran/walked in the Asheville 5k. After the first burst of energy, I only ran downhill and walked uphill. There were a lot of hills!!! I was sure I'd end up taking a whole hour on that route, but I made it across the finish line in just over 44 minutes. I was mostly happy with that time. That afternoon Kam & April had a party and we all celebrated the run. (Kam & April ran the half marathon!) Good food, Patrón Cafe, laughter, and friendship... what a wonderful way to celebrate Life!

After that, there was a combination of new foods (my first Indian food), workouts, knitting, and a drive to Mount Mitchell. The whole set of pictures is here and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every moment of the trip. Even the workouts. I woke each morning at my normal times (5:30-ish) and stepped outside to greet the day. Each morning Moon Kitty would walk out there with me and sit by my feet while I breathed in the fresh morning air. Each evening I would fall asleep with a smile on my face. And through every moment I felt true gratitude that I was alive and able to see the beauty in everything around me.

And now I am home and thinking about all the stuff I want to do before the end of the year. Clearing out the house, getting even more healthy, working on my businesses of choice, and so much more. The cooler weather is setting in and it's time to begin looking inside for reflection. I have people in this world, near and far, who fully support me in all that I do. I have strength of heart and body to carry me through the tough times. I have creativity and passion to fuel my Life on Fire.

I am truly blessed.

Life is strange

I can't help but wonder sometimes, why life can be so odd most of the time. A rush of feelings, whether negative or positive can affect the way you look at the day, at the week, at the decade. It is up to us to determine and choose which way we want to handle it all. Even when the decision may be the tougher road, it might be necessary.

Even with those thoughts in my head I know that there are some really amazing things coming my way. I can't share them just yet, but there is a strong love that started this event, a stronger love that put the event into motion, and an even stronger love that is following through with it all. Sounds confusing, doesn't it? Well, a friend asked a question, that question prompted a gift, and the love I have for myself is pushing me to accept the gift with grace and enjoy every moment of it. Even the scary parts.

Keeping quiet...

What can I say about this week? There are moments when a frenzied excitement comes over me for an event coming up next week. Then there are other moments when I'm almost terrified about the same thing. Crazy, huh? What I've been doing is staying pretty busy so I don't think about it very much. It helps a little. And I can't tell you guys what it is just yet. And so, I stay off the internet a lot.

This weekend was very nice. I had 3 days off the daycare and enjoyed each of them. Between good movies, good food, time with family, and some honest labor, I had a pretty good time. And now I can say that I have used a Sawzall! Yes, it was pretty weird feeling to do so. Still, that's one more power tool. Granted, I only made 2 cuts with it so I'm not able to say that I am experienced with it, but it was still pretty cool.

Even though this is very brief, I'm going to end it here. I just deleted 3 paragraphs that were more like a rambling than anything else. I do hope you all have a wonderful week!

Rainy Monday

Sometimes I forget that there is something special to focus on. All I can see is the stuff right in front of me and it all looks broken and ready to crumble. I find it hard to remember that there are things of beauty and Life just beyond my immediate surroundings. That the possibilities of tomorrow are just around the corner. I know, the teachings are to live in the moment, but when I do that for too long I lose a little hope in the future.
I will admit that there are times when being a mom is just... challenging.


Brianna is becoming the typical teenager and it is hard to get used to. Some of the words she says are hurtful, and I know she is just trying to find her way. All I can do is keep nudging her in the best direction possible and hope that she finds her footing on her own path of strength and courage.

It's Thursday night I'm still a little stunned at this day. It started out with a painful
moment with Brianna, then became an offer for something special in the late afternoon. I can't really share what that offer is since it's all going to be a surprise. I will only say that I'm very excited and a little terrified. But it's a very good thing.

Monday - I'll admit that this is the first rainy day that I have felt energized instead of sleepy in a very long time. I think I know why that is, too. You see, there have been a few things that have been weighing heavy on my mind. Things that are my responsibility and... well, let's just say they were bringing me down. I spoke about them this weekend and felt so much better afterward. Not only because it was now a shared burden, but because it was pointed out to me that the burden really wasn't that big of a deal and that, no matter what, everything would be okay.

My day, so far, has been filled with uninterrupted reading, preparing yarn, playing with kittens, running on the treadmill, and standing in the rain. This was a much-needed break from the summer and I have enjoyed each moment of it.

Brianna walked home in the rain on her first day as a sophomore. I knew that was what she wanted and I was happy to see the smile on her face when she walked up the sidewalk, soaking wet. There are lots of papers to fill out, of course, and I finished that up before dinner. There is one mix-up with a class (she took it already) and it should eb straightened out soon. We'll see what tomorrow holds.

May you all have a beautiful week.

Quiet...

Sometimes the week passes without a grand occurrence. No hugely special event to mark its passing. This past week was a series of small events which, by themselves mean very little. And even when they are added up, their meaning is pretty insignificant.

Except that they are parts of my life. Parts that will be a memory in the years to come. Things to look back on and smile. Or frown. Or become contemplative about.

We started the mandatory school shopping last week. I have only complaints about the required clothing, so I won't go into detail. Brianna still needs shoes and we will be getting those this weekend. At this point we still have no idea what classes she will be in. I've called the school and they don't know. School starts on Monday. Yes, I have more to say about that, but I'll vent elsewhere.

I found a wondrous thing at the thrift store the other day! Books, in excellent shape, and on my "to buy" list. The ones that make me smile most? The Sevenwaters Trilogy by Juliet Marillier. I know there are now more books in that series, but the first three are the ones I fell in love with.

A repair to the Jeep was completed. While we were working on the lighting and the door Kevin noticed that he could see daylight through a crack on the floor where the driver seat was bolted in. After a more thorough examination it was pretty clear that both front seats were not really secure anymore. Luckily there is a welder in the family (Kevin's nephew) and that was fixed this past weekend. The relief I feel because of that is a lot stronger than I thought, but... well, after discovering the cracks I had a few bad dreams about seeing my passenger go through the front window.

There are other small things... repairs to some of the yarn equipment, banging my head on the Jeep, a haircut, a cool microscope from a yard sale, movies on the weekend, the arrival of my awesome mug, cooler weather, the passing of a life, the gathering of thoughts, journaling, knitting, ... so much Life when you think about it one way, so little if you think about it a different way. I choose the former. After all, even the quiet moments make up the tapestry of my life and they should be cherished, too.

Namasté.

Repairs & Recharging

This has been one of the more stressful weeks of this year as well as one of the most rewarding. Nothing big happened to cause the stress, just a pile of little things each day that only added to the stress of the day before. At one point I broke down and cried in anger and frustration simply because I had reached the end of the rope and there were more little stresses being added. Why did I not release some of the stresses before it got to that point? Pride? Perhaps. But I'll tell you this; I handled it on my own. Maybe not with as much grace as I would have liked, but still, I handled it.

But the good stuff? Ah, the good stuff was very good.

Earlier this week I attended the first live/online class I've been able to attend. All the others were on a night when it was really too late in the evening, but this time, I was okay staying up just a little late. It was so cool to be able to ask questions when they came to mind and hear from the other students as well. This class was about the code of ethics and how we should handle clients and lots of other stuff. Very helpful, to say the least. (For those wondering; I haven't missed any of the classes before this, I've been downloading the recorded versions.)

I had started to lose faith that I'd be able to run 5k by my birthday. The times that I could actually run were so limited and I just couldn't see a way to get any good training in. I posted about it, and felt bad about doing so. But then... April kind of nudged me in a different direction and told me what to do. And I followed her instructions. Then I reached 900 miles on my trip across Middle Earth! How awesome is that‽ I didn't even hurt that much the following day. Yes, I was very sore, but I didn't feel like I was going to cry every time I walked down the hallway. Now I'm pretty certain I can reach my goal after all.

This weekend was an odd mix of emotions. Brianna & I ran our errands early-ish on Saturday and it felt good to get some of the things we really needed. The budget is still very tight, but there was more breathing room this time. After a wonderful dinner with two of my loved ones, I spent a relaxed evening watching Angels & Demons (I'd never seen it before) and sipping coffee laced with Harlequin Orange Liqueur. 

Then the work started. Sunday morning was pretty relaxed but that ended soon after breakfast. It was time to work on the Jeep. My door has been locked into the closed position for a long time now. I've grown quite agile in getting into the driver seat from the passenger side. Also needing fixed was a lighting issue. After getting the door taken apart (Jeeps are awesome in their simplicity), we still couldn't figure out why it wouldn't release. So, the other door was also taken apart for comparison. Still no luck. I was a little nervous that I'd have to replace the whole mechanism or something in order to have a working door. Here is what it looks like -

After a bit of time I thought of something to try and it worked! I figured it out! And now my door is in working order and will even lock.

The lighting issue was a little more involved. Kevin had me go through a series of actions while he took lots of notes. Engine off, headlights on, left turn signal on; engine off, headlights on, right turn signal on; apply brakes, release brakes... the list goes on. This didn't seem like it was going to be an easy fix to me and I was a bit nervous on the extent of work that might be involved. After all, this is a '93 so it's not even remotely new. Wires get brittle with time, there could be a short somewhere, there could be a broken wire... I know it's no fun tracing wires in a vehicle.After some time of more thinking, we tried an idea and that worked, too! After nearly 5 hours of work and less than $3, the Jeep is now in better shape. 

Oh! Now the center console is attached, too! No more slipping to the back.

Today I'm more sore than I was on Saturday after the running. I think it's because I wouldn't let Kevin help me lift the door off the body. I know I probably should have, but I am the kind of woman who feels pretty damn proud of being able to handle things like that without help. The pain today is just an indicator that I should strengthen my body a bit more.

On that note I will leave you all with a blessings:

May you all have the strength and courage to face your trials with grace and dignity. May you all know the feeling of pride in your accomplishments.

Namasté.

Fiery weekend

This weekend was full of firsts for me. I hadn't started out with that intention, but it happened that way on its own.

One stemmed from a joke about not eating something you don't know. Well, I had to look it up to see what it was and I was surprised and thrilled to discover that I just might enjoy Crepes Suzette. Kevin bravely let me use his kitchen (I say bravely because I've caught several things on fire by accident) for this dessert and even handed me the lighter. I will admit that I didn't get it to light the first time. I was pretty disappointed, but we heated up a little more of the liqueur and tried again. That time I was the camera person. When the flames caught I was startled (yes, I know I shouldn't have been) so the picture is a little off.

It was yummy! And, as we were tasting and savoring this wonderful bit of sweetness, ideas began flowing for altering the recipe. Pineapple juice, peach brandy, lady fingers... ah, the cooking muse awoke. When I get the flames right I just might throw a party or something.

There was a really cool storm that rolled through and I got my first shot of lightning!I was standing inside the doorway with the camera ready and waiting. Every time before I was too slow or too fast and caught just the bright sky, missing the actual bolts. This time I got it! I'm pretty thrilled by this and am looking forward to trying it again. Come on, weather, send me another storm!

I know, I know, there are a lot of pictures of lightning out there in the internet and other places, but I have been trying for a long time. Lately I've been playing with various settings on my camera as well and I'm looking forward to getting better at taking pictures. Next on my list is to try long exposure. This little camera has it and I'm hoping to have an evening of sitting outdoors, and playing around with it. Luckily, the summer won't last much longer and I can try this without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and such.

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When I go places special I collect a rock. Not always since I don't find one that is just right all the time. But I have two rocks that are special since they remind me of a great time. One was from a camping trip with my kids. We went to a place called Blue Rock in Ohio and we had a wonderfully relaxing and fun weekend. There was a rock at our site that was perfect for holding stuff and it called to me. It's been sitting here with me for a few years and I finally decided that it was time.

 

Tada! Now I have a candle holder. After finishing the one abaove I set to work on the rock that means even more to me. That one had a lot more quartz in it (both were sandstone) and was a lot more challenging to get through, and at one point I needed a little help.

The second rock reminds me of a special beginning. When the sun was warm and the future was full of sunshine and possibilities. It reminds me that, even in the times of rain and darkness, endurance and faith will get you through to the sunshine again. I'm not going to write much more about that one other than to say that it was placed on my altar and I smile every time I see it.

This weekend had me thinking of various times in my life. When a friendship was still new, when I still believed in fairy tale endings, when I was oblivious to the hurts that come with living, when my mom was still alive, when my children were still little, when... so many things. With those thoughts it occurred to me that I still have so much to do and so many dreams to reach for. I hope I always remember to live with the vitality and vivaciousness I felt this weekend.

Namasté.

Creeping along...

So, I had a fairly crappy post on here earlier today and I am revising it (again). I didn't start this blog as a "poor me, life sucks" vent. Instead I started it to highlight things that are new in my life. Things to celebrate. And as a way to show how cool I think it is to be 40 years old.

On that note... I have a couple new ideas for Alina Shea Creations and I think they are going to be pretty cool when I get them started. I also have been enjoying the crystal healing class and am looking forward to working with the crystals even more.

Brianna now has her driving permit and I will be getting her behind the wheel as often as I can. I want her to be ready for most things by the time she gets her driver's license next summer.

Anthony is home on leave and will be heading back later this week. It was nice having him here.

I have some crafty ideas that I'm looking forward to trying out as soon as I can get the tools together. One project requires a lot of focus since there is a potential for severe injury if I'm not careful. As soon as I get that one going I'll be sure to share some pictures.

Well, that's it for today. Much more cheerful post and more along the lines of how I want this blog to be.

I truly hope you all have a great week.

It's Monday?

I don't feel like it's been a whole week already. Perhaps because I've been staying busy. Most of my busy-ness has been in my head, but it was still there.

Physically, this week was mostly about resting, stretching, and eating lots of veggies. I was certain I'd feel up to beginning the C25K again this week, but there is one small issue. I had a broken tooth removed on Friday and woke this morning to throbbing. Which is aggravating since it was fine all weekend. After a little research it sounds a little like dry socket. No big deal since I have plenty of clove oil.

The kittens are growing so much and I was able to get some video of them playing in the box. I am looking forward to having them settled in their new homes even though I know it will still be a little while yet.

My mind is a little numb this morning (lack of sleep and strange dreams), so I will end this with good wishes for you all.

Changes on the horizon

There are so many changes coming up in my life and I'm not even sure where to start. Most of them scare the crap out of me, but more and more I am seeing the wondrous possibilities in these changes. The opportunity for growth and stronger connections. The potential for a deeper relationship with those I love. And, the promise of a better feeling of Self.

One of these changes is my thought on running. A dear friend has been running for a little while now and I've cheered her on with the knowledge that I'd never do that, but I was so happy for her. But then she started talking about running through the woods and how wonderful that was. It sounded nice but I still didn't see myself doing that. Then the dreams started. Good ones this time, of me running through the woods. Of me feeling a deep, spiritual connectedness to the Earth around me. After a few of these dreams I knew that I had to at least try. And so, I started the Couch to 5k (C25K) program. At first I wasn't even able to keep up with that first week schedule. That's a bit sad, but it's true. But I kept going and on Saturday I walked/ran in my first 5k. I told almost no one. April knew since she's the one who helped me through a lot of it. Brianna knew because she lives with me and it's kind of hard to hide the fact that I'm not walking on the treadmill. I didn't tell my Ravelry folks until Sunday (the 24th). By then I was sure the most important people knew about it (turns out to not be the case, but I didn't know that), so I felt okay with telling my group. One of my club members decided to come and cheer me on and that was really cool. I didn't tell anyone on Facebook until after the event and Brianna actually told everyone before I did.

And now? Now I would like to be outside, getting my body more used to running. Now I'm looking forward to being able run the entire distance instead of walking part of it. Do I see myself running outside in this town? Nope, it still doesn't appeal to me. For now I have a great imagination and a treadmill and that will have to do until I'm in a better place.

Another change isn't mine to tell yet, but it will affect my life significantly. In many good ways and a couple of not-so-great ways. But there is an immense amount of hope and faith going into it. For now, I'm looking at it as another aspect of this decade being On Fire.

And, that leaves the scheduled changes:

~ Brianna can get a driving permit now. She doesn't really seem that enthused about it, but it's still a milestone for her. I'll be taking her to the BMV on the 11th to get everything taken care of. Then starts the fun of parking lot driving. Since we have only my Jeep, she will be learning a manual transmission which is awesome.

~ I'll be renewing my driving license and plates very soon, too. I wavered a little about keeping my personalized plates. It's an expense I don't need, of course. But the smile they bring me when I see them? I think it's worth it.

~ The kittens are growing nicely and are just starting to get the fuzzy-cute look to them. I'm going to be introducing Nala to the rest of the house pretty soon so that she learns more about indoor living. I'm nervous for my own cats since Nala is a tough little thing, but I want her to have a good home soon and more people would be likely to take her if she can get along with others. At this point, two kittens have a home and I'm sure the others will find homes soon after I start posting more pictures.

~ This one isn't really a scheduled change, but a good life-change anyway. I have been studying more about herbs lately and have been able to make some changes to my arnica blend. I found two more herbs that will help with muscle pain. I also am taking a course in crystal healing that is based on the science of the crystals' vibrations. So far it's pretty cool. There are other course I want to take later and I know I will enjoy them. Do I care about a degree? No, not in the least. But the learning is fun. And important to my health.

May you all find peace and wisdom in the changes coming your way.
Namasté.

A very busy week.

First there was an issue with the kitchen sink. A pretty large crack in the hose was causing water to leak whether I was using the sprayer or not. Interestingly enough, it was not a standard faucet so I ended up replacing the whole thing. A total of three trips to the hardware store was all it took. Kevin helped me laugh about it instead of getting more frustrated. That was on Tuesday.

Wednesday was filled with an urgency to do something for the cat we've been calling Nala. You may remember that she bit me a little while ago. I felt this very strong need to get her indoors. Brianna and I cleared the furnace room and all the clean laundry from the laundry room and coaxed her in. We let her go in and out a few times and didn't close the back door for a couple hours. Finally, right before lunch I knew the door needed to close and she needed to be kept inside. Sure enough, she decided to lay down in the box we made for her and sleep. Every time I left the area she'd get up and try to follow me. A couple times she climbed into my lap and leaned against my chest. No hissing, no teeth, just a need for comfort. The first kitten was born around 1:15 and Brianna & I were both in there to see it. So amazing! And even more astonishing? She had seven and they are all healthy.

What makes this cat more special than all the others I've rescued or TNRed? I don't really know. I do know that she was feral, and still quite young. I know that it took at least 2 weeks to get her to the point where we could touch her. Perhaps one of her kittens will help someone who is sad. Maybe she will find a home with someone who needs that sassy attitude that she has. I don't know the big picture.

(In the picture to the right, she is actually standing, leaning on the side of the "cave" we made, and sleeping with her head resting on her kittens.)

New starts

It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, don't worry, the world is still turning and some great things have been happening in most areas of my life.

There are new business ideas bouncing around my head, new fitness goals running through my legs, new creative projects springing up in my fingertips, and so much more.

My picture today is the top of a pineapple that I had the pleasure of enjoying this weekend. I had the idea that I could try growing my own. I did try this once before, without success, but this time might be a lot better. What you see is a jar of air. From all that I've read, the base is supposed to dry out, then you root it in water. I'll be adding just a touch of rooting hormone to the water to help the roots along, then, when it reaches the right rootedness, I'll put it in a pretty pot. My hope is that it will produce fruit in about 3 years.

The summer schedule is underway and the days now begin at 4:30. This is when there is the most peace of the day, I think. It will be a little challenging balancing out the two work schedules along with my personal schedule. The work can overlap a lot (and does, of course) since neither job requires my full attention at all times. The personal schedule is a little more snug since I have a deadline and I have to shift it day to day around work. Still, I'm determined.

In the meantime, the house is quiet and I have more projects to start.

May you all have a blessed day.

the only constant...

This has been a very strange week of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows, fears and discoveries.

The fears could be laughable in someone else's eyes, but they are there just the same. It was only this morning that I realized why some of the fears are overwhelming at times. "I expect the bad experiences from my past to be repeated because I am the only constant," she said. I sat a little while and absorbed that thought. Then I thought some more about why that resonated so strongly within me. And, it's because it is true.

It’s hard letting go of the past hurts because I’m the only one that went through them all. Three dads who walked away, an abusive mother, a husband who turned to drugs, a boyfriend who did the same, another who walked away from the relationship… it makes a person think that they are the one who isn’t right. It pushes the awesomeness aside and points to all the flaws in your own Being. It causes some part of us to believe that we deserve the self-hate and the hurt. I can logically tell myself that I don’t deserve it, but unless it manifests in my heart, it will be harder to live hate-free. And Fear-free. Yes, even now there are fears I have that sometimes try to take over the wonderful person that I am. Those fears tell me that I'm not deserving of this person's friendship or that person's love or this person's Truth.

And, I feel despair at times. There are so few people who I have shared those moments with. In fact, I could probably name them on my mother's right hand and still have some fingers left over (her forefinger was amputated). And in that very precious few, only one knows most of the fears and negativity (no one knows them all) and still loves me and hasn't walked away.

So... what to do about this? Try a little harder to believe in the fact that I am a good person. Try to believe more in the fact that others see something wonderful in me. Try a little harder to let go of the hurts caused by someone else. And, mostly, try a lot harder to keep believing in Me.

I am choosing to celebrate the  wonderful aspects of my Life.

Possibilities

The last two weeks haven't been the best. Certainly not the worst, but definitely not the best. Between stress with personal matters, worries about finances, health issues and so many other things that tried to drag me down, I found myself in need of some spiritual healing.

I took time to write out my thoughts, all the things I was angry about, all the things that hurt me, and all the things I felt were missing in my life. While I was writing them all out, I thought about how I felt about the way my life was heading. Changes need to be made. Plain, simple, truthful. I will not allow myself to sit in this space any longer.

What will I do? Well, I already started it. After writing all the negative stuff out on paper, I showered and spent some time sitting outside in the sun. I could feel the warmth easing some of the muscle tension and energizing my soul. When the moment felt right, I took fresh sheets of paper and began writing again. This time I wrote of the things I wanted to attract into my life. Thing that I knew I deserved, that I knew were achievable. I didn't write of material things (although getting the bills paid every month is certainly something I'd like to attract), instead I wrote of dreams I once cherished, goals I'd laid aside, hopes I'd once harboured in my heart. These things, that I'd forgotten, came to life under my fingers.

I still have some decisions to make, but I have faith, now, that I can make them with an open heart.

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember...

Today is Tuesday, May 1, 2012CE. I left home 23 years ago and never went back. It was rough going and I was terrified that night, but I'd made the choice to leave, to set out on my own and do the best I could. There were moments when I was sure I was going to fail. Moments when I was so certain I'd have to crawl back with my head hung in shame. Instead, I thrived and grew and learned to support myself and slowly, so very slowly, I became strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, to become the woman I am, and am becoming.

I thought about writing a little about why I left home so early and what transpired before I took flight, but it doesn't all matter now. Now is more than two decades later. Does my past influence my present? Of course, but it's not important right now to dredge up some of those memories. There were a lot of good ones, and I might write of those someday. There were a lot of bad ones, and I chose to learn from them so I can be a better person.

Wednesday - What a strange day this is. I heard a voice on the air when I stepped outside. No, I'm not joking or making it up. I heard a voice. It was a male voice telling me to stop worrying so much and that it would be alright.

Thursday - Once again I'm up long before the alarm sounds. The world feels hushed right now. Not the normal hush of a sleeping world, but one holding its breath, waiting for the hammer to fall. Such are my thoughts... I am choosing to release that for now and do something soothing... I think I'll knit some of the most challenging lace I've encountered so far.

Saturday - And so it comes to this. It was brought to my attention that I'd done something that hurt those most dear to me. It wasn't intentional, to be sure, but it was done, nonetheless. When I was told about it I was stunned that I could be that unthinking.

What could be so bad? I failed to tell them a very important part of me. I'm not going to get into the details, but there was a bit of information that I'd not shared with them. And it hurt them. True, the younger ones shrugged it off and said it was "okay", but I know they only did that so I didn't feel bad. I let them know that it wasn't okay and that I'd made a big mistake by not thinking about it, by not even comprehending that I'd done this. As for the older one? The one I've chosen to be with through all kinds of crap and awesomeness? He told me that he knew it wasn't done out of maliciousness and hugged me.

I think of myself as a good person, one who thinks about others, one who does her best to make sure her loved ones have what they need... and yet, I am not perfect. I know that I cause hurt to the ones I love most.

Still, the ones I'd hurt forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. For that I am ever grateful. They hold me in high regard and I hope to not let them down... or, at least, do the best that I can.

Monday - The rain is moving in and I'm wishing to be somewhere else... and yet, there is a new shipment of yarn calling to me... new colors, new yarn bases, new ideas and hopes. Writing, too, that must be done. Stories that must be told and shared with those who don't know, those who missed it all. Papers to file, records to be updated...

I'm a little more at peace this morning than I've been for the whole week. Communication is vital to Life. It is more vital than food, sometimes. Love is vital to Life. Without it, we are walking around empty. Faith is vital to Life. Faith in our loved ones, in ourselves, in our Creator, in the knowledge that it will be alright.

Fire is vital to Life. Fire to create, to see beauty in all that surrounds us, to appreciate the best of moments. Fire to dream, to aspire, to achieve. Fire to be passionate about life. Fire to Love.

May you all have a day filled with Fire.

What's in a name?

Earlier today I had a hearing in the probate court to finalize my name change. This is pretty exciting for me since I've been thinking about it for a few years (before I changed my surname). This name means a lot to me, and those who are closest to me have already been calling me by it.

I know that there will be people out there who will never understand my need for doing this and that's okay. They never understood me in the first place.

Now it's time to move forward with some other areas of my life that have been placed on hold for a while. Business changes, personal changes, and others that I will write about as they happen. Suffice it to say that there are wonderful and life-altering events on my horizon and, as frightening as some of them might be, I'm looking forward to each and every one of them.

Socks!

Wednesday - I attended a business seminar this morning. It's part of a government something-or-other that helps small businesses. I found out that they are there ot help out, free of charge, to anyone who wants it. For once I can see where our tax dollars are doing something good. Not just because I will benefit from it, but because it's helping people who are thinking about the future.

Anyway, I learned a bit about becoming a LLC and a bit about taxing. I'll be filing lots of stuff in the next several weeks and I'm nervous and excited about it.

There is a small part of me (which I'm doing my best to eliminate) that feels that a business isn't really a business unless you are in debt up to your eyeballs during the first few years. and yet, I've not borrowed a cent for ASC. Any equipment came from saving up or a tax refund. All the yarn up front came from my own money and after that it came from the sales. Same with the dyes and everything else. So I need to squash those thoughts and keep growing as I have been.

Friday - Well, I'm all signed up for the 2012 Tour de Sock. Yes, this is pretty exciting to me. I plan to work on the toughest pattern from last year to get a little practice in and to make sure I can get the socks done in time. I'm determined this year!

Sunday - What a wonderfully relaxing day! You know that the world is a good place when you can spend a day with your loved one and knit. The whole day. I made some progress with the practice sock. At this point I'm pretty sure it won't fit me, but that's not really the point, yet. Right now it's all about practice and getting the technique committed to muscle memory.

Monday - More changes are on the horizon for my business. New yarns, new colors, new ideas. I am so thrilled about some of it.

I'm actually a little tired right now so I'm going to post this and head to bed. I hope you all have a fabulous week!

Busy days

There have been so many days filled with staying busy! I wrote nothing this past week and tonight am tired enough that it doesn't matter. Some of the thoughts going through my head are unkind, other thoughts are filled with light. The shadows worry me simply because I fear the imbalanced nature of my Self. I know that I cannot only hold onto what is positive and bright, but I must also accept the negative and dark.

Still, it is my goal to share much more of the good stuff than the bad. Do I still vent some of the negative? Of course. To the only people who would love me anyway and not sit in judgment. To the only ones who would hear the harsh words and not pull away from me. These are the people who have heard the worst and still are willing to be around me.

For now, I am going to bed and hope that I wake feeling more refreshed in the morning.

Blessings to you all.

Longer days

Oh, how the sunlight beckons me! And yet, the wind chills me in a way I didn't feel through the winter. Perhaps it is the tiredness from dream-filled nights. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. Who knows?

I sent a note to my Dad last week about my big change (some of you already know about it, others will know when it's finalized). He was interested in knowing how and why I came to that decision. I'm thinking I should type it out and send it to a few other people, if they ask.

~

I haven't written in a couple days mainly due to being tired. This morning, however (Friday) I woke knowing that I'd not dreamed. Or, at least, I don't remember them. I actually feel like I got enough sleep for a change, even though it was a short night. I hope tonight is the same.

I got a treadmill yesterday! Yes, I'm pretty excited about it. I've been riding the bike since December 1 and have been doing fairly well with it. Now, it's time to work the muscles a little differently. I know it will take a little getting used to, but I'm looking forward to using it a lot.

~

Oh! I have this fabulous idea! And I have an idea of how to make it work. But how will the colors look once they are knitted or crocheted? How will the items work? I think it's time to rally some crafting troops and see what happens. At best I'll get a few people to help me out with this. At worst, they will send me good thoughts and cheer me on. It's a winning situation all around.

(By the day's end I realized that I had troops aplenty! What a beautiful group of women!)

~

I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open, but I want to get this out before I tell my loved ones good night.

I spent today mostly outdoors. The early afternoon was spent gathering dandelions (Kevin has a humongous yard, and a good portion of it is far from automobile exhaust and anything else detrimental to health). I am not sure what recipe I'll be trying out, but they will certainly get put to good use. After I filled up the bowl, I sat in the sun with Kevin's grandson, Demetrius. At one point he decided that I needed more flowers and began decorating my legs with them. What a cool kid.

Kevin was doing some yard work and called us over to see something. It was a toad! How cool it is to see such creatures right there in the yard. After I got a couple pictures and Demetrius looked at it, the toad tried to dig himself in even further.

Even though this was the first Easter I spent without any blood-related people, it was a great day.

~

Today I start dyeing with a new idea! I'm so very excited about this. My new equipment will finish arriving today (some of it came on Saturday) and I am ready to get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all the samples shipped out so that the projects can get started. This is so exciting!

I also am looking forward to a couple knitting ideas I have for a very special skein of yarn. Before I start that one, though, I will be finishing up a few other projects (socks & scarf).

This will be a great week!

Spring restlessness

Ah, here it is; that restlessness that I get when the days begin to lengthen and the temperatures rise. I want to leave again. Just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas, fill it up and drive again (granted, that isn't very far with a Jeep, but still). It's not always easy to deal with this feeling and I can only hope those around me will keep their patience with me as I muddle through this. I wonder if this is what causes some people to abandon their children or cheat on their spouses. Something to think about, I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave Brianna & Kevin behind, nor would I just pick up and go without some sort of plan. It's just the desire for change. For something other than this town. I know that I still have goals to reach. I know I have other things to consider. It's just a passing drive to go... anywhere.

~

The dreams are still strong and disturbing. How is it that I dream like this so clearly? The last time this happened was... March 2008 (when I got my CCW). I was getting to the point where I was more tired when I woke in the morning than I was when I went to sleep. And now. The dreams don't seem to have any real pattern, just like last time. Mostly filled with the feeling of dread, of sadness, and of betrayal. I don't remember what I did last time to make the dreams stop, but I'll be trying out some things until they end and I can go back to my normal dreaming.

~

I got a pleasant surprise yesterday afternoon. The scale hasn't changed in weeks, but I took my measurements and found that my waist had decreased by 2.5"! I was doing a happy dance, I will admit. I'm glad there is some measurable change and not just the fact that my muscles feel stronger.

Today was a great day financially, too. All my taxes were completed and submitted and I do not owe anything. Whew! I will be getting a little bit and already have plans for it. A new skein-winder & ball-winder for the shop, a trip to Asheville, and possibly a lawnmower. Or a treadmill. I'm leaning toward the treadmill. We'll see.

~

I finally watched Casablanca! (Thank you, Kevin!) It was pretty good and I learned where dozens of lines came from. Wow, I should have watched it much sooner. Still, it was very nice.

The weekend was mostly pleasant and I did my best to relax. I'm still holding the sleeplessness and restlessness at bay for now. I think it still tinged the weekend with a little tension, though. Even so, I laughed and loved and was able to release it all for a bit.

I don't know if I can convey how important it is to know that I can lean on someone and they won't pull away. I am a strong person and have relied on myself most of my adult life, but when I'm tired and dream-weary, I have a tendency to withdraw. The laughter over the weekend helped so much with that.

~

I was awake way too early today. It was partially my own fault for going to bed last night so early (shortly after 8). I did try to go back to sleep, instead I lay there, my mind swirling around too much. Even the meditation music didn't help. So now I'm awake and finishing this post. And I have nothing profound to write about.

I finished my sweater on Saturday. It looks lovely and I'm looking forward to wearing it next winter. I'll overdye it pretty soon to even out some of the color but that's all that's needed. In the meantime, I'm continuing my journey across Middle Earth, continuing the strength training, and continuing to explore new recipes (today will be homemade almond butter). And, I will continue finding new inspirations.

May you all have a blessed week.

Smiles with Life

Tuesday: What a wondrous day! I woke filled with an energy of excitement and felt ready to take on the world. Changes are coming and I am looking forward to it all. There are still people who will need to be told, and I will get to it soon. I think they will believe me even more crazy than they already do, but some will shrug it off as "just the way she is". Others will not be so kind, but they do not matter.

When I talked with my Dad about the change I was making, he was a lot more understanding than I thought he would be. I'm so grateful for that!

Thursday: The weather is too nice to remain indoors and I have been walking in the mornings. My body is still protesting the use of different muscles (from biking), but I'm feeling even more alive. There is a grand beauty in the world sometimes.

Days like today are what I will remember when I have grown old.

Friday: A day to celebrate! And to share with loved ones. Sales are doing well and I'm going to be able to expand my lines a bit. With the way things are going, I will now be able to carry more yarn kits along with the regular updates! That is a really great thing.

On the downside (but not really), we're still muddling through the taxes. My preparer is Rachel and she's so patient and helpful! Last year I just lumped everything together, since I didn't really know better, but she's showing me how to separate everything out into different sections. I'm learning that I will need to completely revamp my spreadsheet, but I'm fine with that. Especially since it will make things a lot easier next year.

My fingers are crossed that I don't owe anything (I didn't make quarterly payments during 2011.)

Monday: The weekend was fabulous! I got to spend it with Kevin and Demetrius, playing with blocks, watching a movie, and looking at trains. I've mixed feelings about being called "Grandma". Part of me feels honored that his parents are teaching Demetrius to call me that, while another part of me feels that it's just not possible. After all, I'm only forty and still feel so alive. After listening to the two of them (Kevin & Demetrius) playing in the early morning, I had this thought: I will be the coolest and most vibrant grandmother I can be. To any and all children who call me Ama (the name I am claiming as a unique and awesome grandmother).

I had a long letter from a friend over the weekend and, when I sat down to read the whole thing without distraction, I was touched by all the love she was sending to me through it. There are still things that I am hurting over, and things I need to make decisions about, but I feel more calm and at peace with myself. I am going to take more time for just thinking and not filling my day with noise and clatter. I need the calm. As much as I need to know that the support is there.

Deep changes

I can feel so many changes in the winds! Some I am nervous about, while others bring me a sense of excitement.

I woke this morning around 2 with a storm moving in. I did the normal routine: check for weather alerts, debate sending a text to Kevin, check the candle, check the sleeping child, check the cats, watch the lightning for a little bit, lay back down. I love storms. and the energy they bring. I know I'm usually a little tired during the following days, but I wouldn't sleep through them if I could.

Tuesdays are generally fun for me since I spend time with the dyes and "play". What will come out of the pots? I'm usually surprised with the color combinations that happen. Today felt like it needed to be spring colors.

-

Thursday: Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but I had to come to terms with something I didn't want. Instead of looking at this as a negative I'm going to hold onto some words that were said to me and see this as a positive step to my good health.

-

Some storms are just more awesome than others. Last night it hailed and the energy helped to create a playful mood. Afterward, the thunder continued rumbling and creating energy surges. Yes, it was another sleep-short night, but it was definitely well worth it.

Today's shop update will be filled with the new colors and I hope my customers like them as much as I do. Several skeins are going into the bin for Tour de Sock since I'm one of the event sponsors again. The winners last year were pretty happy with the prizes and I'm hoping they will be again.

-

Monday: The weekend was filled with some pretty cool events. Brianna's first pair of track shoes were bought, time spent talking with Kevin, time spent with other family members, good journaling, and knitting. There are moments in my life when I truly believe it can't get better. Then I think of how wondrous the future will be and I know that I am going to love every bit of it. Hard times, good times, I'm looking forward to them all.

Tomorrow will be another big step for me. Some of you already know about it, and the rest will know very soon. Ostara. Six weeks after that will be Beltane. Both are powerful celebrations for Pagans and they both will have a special meaning for me. I look forward to telling you all about it.

For now, I hope you all have a chance to enjoy the beauty of Spring.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.

Almost blooming

Yes, I've skipped the last two Mondays. I don't have a particular reason other than the energy just wasn't there. Sometimes that happens and a person just needs a break from things so that they can focus their energy somewhere else. Like personal healing.

Some good things have happened over the last couple weeks. I spent a day in my kitchen trying out new recipes, I pushed myself with my knitting, I pushed myself physically, I even pushed myself emotionally. That last was the hardest. But I am feeling a little better in the space I created for my Self.

There are bright moments when I can feel comfortable in the promises I've heard. Those moments when my heart acknowledges them and starts to accept them. Even through the turmoil of the doubts and fears. Those are the moments I am making more space for. The moments I am letting the sun shine on.

Today's entry will be brief. I have so many thoughts swirling at the same time and I don't want them to come out garbled. Instead, I will send out loving energy to all and hope that your day is filled with peace.

Shifting Energies

Peaceful feelings are beginning to fill me more often. I still haven't decided how I feel about this. I had to really think about whether it was apathy or true inner peace and I believe it's true peace.

You see, there are people who have entered my life and exited almost as swiftly. Only, recently I made the conscious decision to shut them out. Interestingly enough, I do not feel as though I don't care what happens to them. Instead I wish them peace.

~

I haven't felt very good over the last couple days. Because of that I didn't reach my physical goals, but this time I do not feel guilty about it. Instead I feel good that I listened to what my body was telling me and I recovered a lot faster than I thought.  I think I'm completely over whatever it was and I'm looking forward to getting on the bike again tomorrow and continuing this cool journey. Of course, I also intend to keep going with the hooping and other stuff, too.

~

Yes, I got back on the bike today. I was really surprised to feel so wonderful about it. I didn't go very fast, but I did keep a good pace and finished up with more than seventeen miles. I might be a little sore tomorrow, but it will be worth it. I know the scale isn't changing as quickly as I would like, but I'm not unhappy with it. I know the muscles are changing and that means more than a number on the scale. After all, I want this to be long term. I fully intend to be able to skip and dance when I get to the Glastonbury Tor.

~

I love waking with a smile. The last few Fridays have been like that. Some of it is because of Love, some is the knowledge that the shop updates are waiting, some is that it's the end of the week and I look forward to spending some relaxing time away from this town. Mostly, it's because... Life is good.

~

I didn't have the time or patience to write yesterday. The Jeep died. At the first place I stopped. That created the need to postpone all my errands and to spend money on a cab home, but all in all it wasn't that bad. Kevin fixed the cable after work and everything is back to working order. After that, it was time to relax.

I want to talk about a movie, but I'm going to use that for a regular blog post instead of here. It's important that I get all my thoughts out for it. I can explain in that post the reason, but not here.

I tried to explain a feeling last night and realized that the human languages are just not enough. Perhaps after I have left this body I will find the way to express all that is encompassed in the moments I was trying to describe, but there simply is no way to do that now. Still, even with the limits of our words, I think I got my meaning across. I think it helped that the one listening was hearing with their Spirit and not just their ears.

~

What a beautiful sunny day! I woke around 4 this morning and listened to the house and the world around me. I nearly sent a text just to share that moment. Instead I lit a candle and sent out peace and love to where it was needed most. I hope this day goes well for everyone.

Homecoming...

Each day I feel myself growing stronger and more comfortable with the power that I once took for granted. Yes, power. Many people will not understand what I'm talking about and I won't go into detail here, but I can feel the strength of it returning. In my muscles, in my breath, in my dreams, in my will. Why did I let it go so many years ago? For reasons that no longer make sense. For reasons I look at now and shake my head about.

I don't feel a need to write each day in here, partly because I'm doing so much other writing. I'm keeping two journals lately, one that I will burn when the time is right and one that will stay with me through the years. The first one is filled with the anguish and anger I'm releasing. In it, I pour out words that would cut and scar the people I'm angry with. These are words that would be remembered for decades and would be so very hard to forgive. These are words that, I know, would make it impossible to remain friends, much less anything more than that. Am I a coward for not telling the people how I feel? Some might think so, but they didn't know me when the Rage took over and I cut loved ones left and right. I've grown past the point of letting the heat spill out and onto those around me, but I've learned that I am not so wise that I no longer feel that acrimony.

The anguish? That stems from the fear of things I can not control. It also comes from the feelings that there were people once who accepted me for all that I was. I miss them more than words can describe. Yes, I miss others who are no longer walking this earth, but they never came to accept me, even though I was of their blood. On my own journey, I'm learning to let go of the hurt. It's not an easy thing, letting go of a lifetime of exclusion. For the most part, the people I currently choose to have in my life have accepted me completely. There are still a few who only seem to accept me if I fit into who they think I am, and when I don't fit into their tiny box, there are conflicts. Those conflicts can cause pain, especially when I care for the person. Still, they need to know that I do not fit into their view of the world. Knowing that I would rather let them go, than to squeeze into that narrowness again is painful.

I know that the ones who mean the most to me do accept me. Well, mostly. I know my Dad is still trying, and I know his heart is wholly open to learning who I am. That means a lot. The others? My children? Kevin? My best friends? They see me in the Light and the Shadows and love me all the more.

-

The day is getting closer to Anthony's arrival. I can write of it here simply because this won't even be published until after he's here. We're going to watch it at my place early Saturday morning. Yes, yes, I know it will most likely be a non-event and I probably won't even be able to tell which one is Anthony, but in my heart I will know that he's getting off that plane. I will know that one of those young men will be my son returning to the US. I can't even begin to tell you how special that is.

-

The house is quiet right now. Anthony left Afghanistan two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not worried, though. I know that he won't have access to the internet or anything else like that for a while.

There is an expectation hovering around me. I can feel it rising and falling with the hours. I am hoping that sleep will not be elusive. I don't feel tired, but I know that I need to rest. I think I'll read in bed for a while. And breathe.

-

So, I just got an email saying that Anthony is in Kyrgyszstan (that's the name on the map). That still is so far away! And he's supposed to arrive in the morning?! How is that possible?

-

I was right about the non-event yesterday, but Anthony called around 9 in the morning and we talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice without the delay as the call was sent around the globe. I felt pretty good about not being overly emotional about it all throughout the day. There were texts from family sent to Anthony, postings on Ravelry and Facebook, emails, love sent out... The day was filled with love. I'm not sure how I would have handled it all if I'd been alone. Having someone here to help me stay grounded probably did more to settle my emotions than anything else.

Tonight I'm ready to fall asleep long before I should be. Today was relaxing and quiet. The only real work was moving a bed. I did send a text to April & Kam for their half- and full-marathons and part of me wishes I could have been there to cheer them on, but I think they knew that I was thinking about them both. The rest of the day was just... mellow. And yet, I feel a need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Maybe it is just the relief of knowing that Anthony is finally back. Maybe it is just the release of that tension that has been with me since August. I hope that's all it is.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful Monday.

-

I found out that Anthony won't be home until the end of the month. Ugh. Still, I am happy that so many things were taken care of in such a short time.

Today I spent a portion of my time trying out new colors in the kitchen. Pacasha & I are already planning this month's PS... color and I can't wait to get started on it. I'll be dyeing them tomorrow and hopefully getting them completely ready to go before Friday. In the meantime, I'm also dyeing extra skeins for the Tour-de-Sock. Will this be an annual event? Perhaps. I am looking forward to seeing everyone's new socks this year. I'm also working on extra skeins for the SAFF. I know that's still a long way off, but I'd rather start now instead of rushing later.

Tomorrow I'll be making a new batch of laundry soap. Yes, I do that. I like doing things like that for myself. I know it's so much easier picking up a bottle at the store, but I never claimed to do things the easy way. I'm looking forward to the day when I will have hens again, too. They made me laugh and I miss watching them run across the yard with their waddle, while trying to keep hold of the worm or small snake they'd found before the others could snatch it away.

I remind myself that it will be just a little more time.

Dragons

Last Monday began the year of the dragon. Interestingly enough, it's also supposed to be a water dragon this year. What does that mean? From what I have read (which isn't very much) it means a year of clearer perspective. A year to be gentle with your Self. And know when to let go of things.

This week, I've been practicing that. Not always successfully, but I've been trying.

There are things in my life that cause me a great deal of stress. Having to deal with the new state rules about the daycare, going without a paycheck for a long while (not as long as someone unemployed, of course, but a long time, regardless), dealing with people who bring me only stress... the list goes on. I am choosing to let so much of that go. The daycare I still need, but I am focusing on the Alina Shea Creations so I can let the daycare go. The paycheck finally arrived and it seems the new system is starting to run smoothly. The people are not going to be an active part of my life, and I will not allow their energy to cause me irritation anymore. The other things? Small.

Instead, I am going to remember how much joy there is in my life. I have good friends, I have amazing best friends, I have my children, Kevin, my good health, my creativity, my connection with Spirit. I have Life and Love. I have beauty and strength. I have a lot. That is my focus now.

I will not be posting the weekly "update each day" today, simply because I have spent more time this week journaling, meditating, and getting stronger. I am not going to allow my fears to get the better of me. I am reaching out to the ones I know can help me find my strength.

I will share an accomplishment this week, though. I made it to Rivendell on Friday. Yes, I biked 459 miles in the last 2 months. At that rate I will reach the end of my journey in 26 months. What a glorious way to spend 2  years!

Shake my petals free...

Monday: I woke around 4 this morning feeling like it was time to wake up. So, I stayed up and had breakfast, then rode the bike for an hour. I feel pretty good that I was able to get it done before the daycare kids got here. This week my goals are to ride for an hour a day, five days. I am feeling pretty confident that I will get it done.

Tuesday: This was another struggle day, but I got on the bike anyway and am happy I did. Afterward I got started on the club yarn. This color is... not anything like I normally do. It's soft and romantic and sweet. Yes, I can hear some of you out there groaning and wondering what is going on. Well, nothing, really. I just wanted something like this to share with the world. Where is the romance any more? Where are the little notes that let someone know that you are thinking about them? Or the simple bouquet of flowers (not necessarily roses, but something to brighten their day)? Or a call out of the blue, just to let your sweetheart know that you are thinking about them? Romance, people. It means a lot.

Am I fishing for flowers & notes? No, I know that my sweetheart loves me. He shows me in so many ways that some people might not recognize, but I do. But there are billions of people on this planet. How many of them can say that they feel loved? Show it.

Anyway, the club yarns are beautiful and I'm looking forward to knitting up something really special with them. And the gifts this month? Oh, so awesome! They were made by one of the club members and they are going to be great for keeping us warm.

Wednesday: Well, the daycare stuff is finally figured out and I should start getting paid again. Luckily, most of the bills & such were already taken care of so we have been holding up quite well. I still am looking forward to the future and I know that someday I will look back on this time and just kind of shake my head and smile, knowing that I made it through.

I've been knitting several items over the last couple weeks. Two pairs of socks, a tool case, and my sweater. I am loving all of these projects simply because of what they represent. The socks are for Kevin, both pairs, and I am very determined to get them finished before the end of the month. The tool case was asked for to protect an expensive meter. The sweater is my goal of size. Yes, I'm a little nervous about knitting something so much smaller than what I am right now, but I know that I will fit into it. I know it will look great on me. And so, I am happy with these projects.

Thursday: I set a new record on the bike today! 18.25 miles and I feel pretty good about it.

There is some snow moving in tonight, but even more tomorrow night. I know there will be complaints about it, but really, it is winter, so what is there to complain about? Now, if you lived in the tropics and were expecting 4-6" of snow, sure, complain all you want. Anyway, I'm kind of looking forward to the snow.

Friday: I woke this morning with a smile. It faded a little when I realized the check I'd been expecting didn't arrive, but I still felt great waking up.

Saturday: Crisp, bright snow all around. And I have only the post office to go to, then out to relax for the weekend.

Sunday: I'm tired today. Brianna has been sick most of the day. In the meantime, Kevin tried to fix the shifter on the Jeep with no luck. So, off to Hiser's it will go tomorrow. Still, for the most part, this day has been pretty good, even with the crazy emotions.

There are some things that I'm more sure of now than I ever was before. Since they are private things, I won't be listing them here, but with this kind of surety for my future, I know that I can step forward with a clear heart, knowing that I've done well and will continue doing my best. And, most important, I will be true to my Self and to my heart. I will continue growing and learning. And I will only allow the things/people in my life that I know I can believe with my heart. Not just their words, but what lies beneath those words.