What's in a name?

Earlier today I had a hearing in the probate court to finalize my name change. This is pretty exciting for me since I've been thinking about it for a few years (before I changed my surname). This name means a lot to me, and those who are closest to me have already been calling me by it.

I know that there will be people out there who will never understand my need for doing this and that's okay. They never understood me in the first place.

Now it's time to move forward with some other areas of my life that have been placed on hold for a while. Business changes, personal changes, and others that I will write about as they happen. Suffice it to say that there are wonderful and life-altering events on my horizon and, as frightening as some of them might be, I'm looking forward to each and every one of them.

Socks!

Wednesday - I attended a business seminar this morning. It's part of a government something-or-other that helps small businesses. I found out that they are there ot help out, free of charge, to anyone who wants it. For once I can see where our tax dollars are doing something good. Not just because I will benefit from it, but because it's helping people who are thinking about the future.

Anyway, I learned a bit about becoming a LLC and a bit about taxing. I'll be filing lots of stuff in the next several weeks and I'm nervous and excited about it.

There is a small part of me (which I'm doing my best to eliminate) that feels that a business isn't really a business unless you are in debt up to your eyeballs during the first few years. and yet, I've not borrowed a cent for ASC. Any equipment came from saving up or a tax refund. All the yarn up front came from my own money and after that it came from the sales. Same with the dyes and everything else. So I need to squash those thoughts and keep growing as I have been.

Friday - Well, I'm all signed up for the 2012 Tour de Sock. Yes, this is pretty exciting to me. I plan to work on the toughest pattern from last year to get a little practice in and to make sure I can get the socks done in time. I'm determined this year!

Sunday - What a wonderfully relaxing day! You know that the world is a good place when you can spend a day with your loved one and knit. The whole day. I made some progress with the practice sock. At this point I'm pretty sure it won't fit me, but that's not really the point, yet. Right now it's all about practice and getting the technique committed to muscle memory.

Monday - More changes are on the horizon for my business. New yarns, new colors, new ideas. I am so thrilled about some of it.

I'm actually a little tired right now so I'm going to post this and head to bed. I hope you all have a fabulous week!

Busy days

There have been so many days filled with staying busy! I wrote nothing this past week and tonight am tired enough that it doesn't matter. Some of the thoughts going through my head are unkind, other thoughts are filled with light. The shadows worry me simply because I fear the imbalanced nature of my Self. I know that I cannot only hold onto what is positive and bright, but I must also accept the negative and dark.

Still, it is my goal to share much more of the good stuff than the bad. Do I still vent some of the negative? Of course. To the only people who would love me anyway and not sit in judgment. To the only ones who would hear the harsh words and not pull away from me. These are the people who have heard the worst and still are willing to be around me.

For now, I am going to bed and hope that I wake feeling more refreshed in the morning.

Blessings to you all.

Longer days

Oh, how the sunlight beckons me! And yet, the wind chills me in a way I didn't feel through the winter. Perhaps it is the tiredness from dream-filled nights. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. Who knows?

I sent a note to my Dad last week about my big change (some of you already know about it, others will know when it's finalized). He was interested in knowing how and why I came to that decision. I'm thinking I should type it out and send it to a few other people, if they ask.

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I haven't written in a couple days mainly due to being tired. This morning, however (Friday) I woke knowing that I'd not dreamed. Or, at least, I don't remember them. I actually feel like I got enough sleep for a change, even though it was a short night. I hope tonight is the same.

I got a treadmill yesterday! Yes, I'm pretty excited about it. I've been riding the bike since December 1 and have been doing fairly well with it. Now, it's time to work the muscles a little differently. I know it will take a little getting used to, but I'm looking forward to using it a lot.

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Oh! I have this fabulous idea! And I have an idea of how to make it work. But how will the colors look once they are knitted or crocheted? How will the items work? I think it's time to rally some crafting troops and see what happens. At best I'll get a few people to help me out with this. At worst, they will send me good thoughts and cheer me on. It's a winning situation all around.

(By the day's end I realized that I had troops aplenty! What a beautiful group of women!)

~

I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open, but I want to get this out before I tell my loved ones good night.

I spent today mostly outdoors. The early afternoon was spent gathering dandelions (Kevin has a humongous yard, and a good portion of it is far from automobile exhaust and anything else detrimental to health). I am not sure what recipe I'll be trying out, but they will certainly get put to good use. After I filled up the bowl, I sat in the sun with Kevin's grandson, Demetrius. At one point he decided that I needed more flowers and began decorating my legs with them. What a cool kid.

Kevin was doing some yard work and called us over to see something. It was a toad! How cool it is to see such creatures right there in the yard. After I got a couple pictures and Demetrius looked at it, the toad tried to dig himself in even further.

Even though this was the first Easter I spent without any blood-related people, it was a great day.

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Today I start dyeing with a new idea! I'm so very excited about this. My new equipment will finish arriving today (some of it came on Saturday) and I am ready to get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all the samples shipped out so that the projects can get started. This is so exciting!

I also am looking forward to a couple knitting ideas I have for a very special skein of yarn. Before I start that one, though, I will be finishing up a few other projects (socks & scarf).

This will be a great week!

Spring restlessness

Ah, here it is; that restlessness that I get when the days begin to lengthen and the temperatures rise. I want to leave again. Just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas, fill it up and drive again (granted, that isn't very far with a Jeep, but still). It's not always easy to deal with this feeling and I can only hope those around me will keep their patience with me as I muddle through this. I wonder if this is what causes some people to abandon their children or cheat on their spouses. Something to think about, I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave Brianna & Kevin behind, nor would I just pick up and go without some sort of plan. It's just the desire for change. For something other than this town. I know that I still have goals to reach. I know I have other things to consider. It's just a passing drive to go... anywhere.

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The dreams are still strong and disturbing. How is it that I dream like this so clearly? The last time this happened was... March 2008 (when I got my CCW). I was getting to the point where I was more tired when I woke in the morning than I was when I went to sleep. And now. The dreams don't seem to have any real pattern, just like last time. Mostly filled with the feeling of dread, of sadness, and of betrayal. I don't remember what I did last time to make the dreams stop, but I'll be trying out some things until they end and I can go back to my normal dreaming.

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I got a pleasant surprise yesterday afternoon. The scale hasn't changed in weeks, but I took my measurements and found that my waist had decreased by 2.5"! I was doing a happy dance, I will admit. I'm glad there is some measurable change and not just the fact that my muscles feel stronger.

Today was a great day financially, too. All my taxes were completed and submitted and I do not owe anything. Whew! I will be getting a little bit and already have plans for it. A new skein-winder & ball-winder for the shop, a trip to Asheville, and possibly a lawnmower. Or a treadmill. I'm leaning toward the treadmill. We'll see.

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I finally watched Casablanca! (Thank you, Kevin!) It was pretty good and I learned where dozens of lines came from. Wow, I should have watched it much sooner. Still, it was very nice.

The weekend was mostly pleasant and I did my best to relax. I'm still holding the sleeplessness and restlessness at bay for now. I think it still tinged the weekend with a little tension, though. Even so, I laughed and loved and was able to release it all for a bit.

I don't know if I can convey how important it is to know that I can lean on someone and they won't pull away. I am a strong person and have relied on myself most of my adult life, but when I'm tired and dream-weary, I have a tendency to withdraw. The laughter over the weekend helped so much with that.

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I was awake way too early today. It was partially my own fault for going to bed last night so early (shortly after 8). I did try to go back to sleep, instead I lay there, my mind swirling around too much. Even the meditation music didn't help. So now I'm awake and finishing this post. And I have nothing profound to write about.

I finished my sweater on Saturday. It looks lovely and I'm looking forward to wearing it next winter. I'll overdye it pretty soon to even out some of the color but that's all that's needed. In the meantime, I'm continuing my journey across Middle Earth, continuing the strength training, and continuing to explore new recipes (today will be homemade almond butter). And, I will continue finding new inspirations.

May you all have a blessed week.