Smiles with Life

Tuesday: What a wondrous day! I woke filled with an energy of excitement and felt ready to take on the world. Changes are coming and I am looking forward to it all. There are still people who will need to be told, and I will get to it soon. I think they will believe me even more crazy than they already do, but some will shrug it off as "just the way she is". Others will not be so kind, but they do not matter.

When I talked with my Dad about the change I was making, he was a lot more understanding than I thought he would be. I'm so grateful for that!

Thursday: The weather is too nice to remain indoors and I have been walking in the mornings. My body is still protesting the use of different muscles (from biking), but I'm feeling even more alive. There is a grand beauty in the world sometimes.

Days like today are what I will remember when I have grown old.

Friday: A day to celebrate! And to share with loved ones. Sales are doing well and I'm going to be able to expand my lines a bit. With the way things are going, I will now be able to carry more yarn kits along with the regular updates! That is a really great thing.

On the downside (but not really), we're still muddling through the taxes. My preparer is Rachel and she's so patient and helpful! Last year I just lumped everything together, since I didn't really know better, but she's showing me how to separate everything out into different sections. I'm learning that I will need to completely revamp my spreadsheet, but I'm fine with that. Especially since it will make things a lot easier next year.

My fingers are crossed that I don't owe anything (I didn't make quarterly payments during 2011.)

Monday: The weekend was fabulous! I got to spend it with Kevin and Demetrius, playing with blocks, watching a movie, and looking at trains. I've mixed feelings about being called "Grandma". Part of me feels honored that his parents are teaching Demetrius to call me that, while another part of me feels that it's just not possible. After all, I'm only forty and still feel so alive. After listening to the two of them (Kevin & Demetrius) playing in the early morning, I had this thought: I will be the coolest and most vibrant grandmother I can be. To any and all children who call me Ama (the name I am claiming as a unique and awesome grandmother).

I had a long letter from a friend over the weekend and, when I sat down to read the whole thing without distraction, I was touched by all the love she was sending to me through it. There are still things that I am hurting over, and things I need to make decisions about, but I feel more calm and at peace with myself. I am going to take more time for just thinking and not filling my day with noise and clatter. I need the calm. As much as I need to know that the support is there.

Deep changes

I can feel so many changes in the winds! Some I am nervous about, while others bring me a sense of excitement.

I woke this morning around 2 with a storm moving in. I did the normal routine: check for weather alerts, debate sending a text to Kevin, check the candle, check the sleeping child, check the cats, watch the lightning for a little bit, lay back down. I love storms. and the energy they bring. I know I'm usually a little tired during the following days, but I wouldn't sleep through them if I could.

Tuesdays are generally fun for me since I spend time with the dyes and "play". What will come out of the pots? I'm usually surprised with the color combinations that happen. Today felt like it needed to be spring colors.

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Thursday: Yesterday was a weird day for me. I'm not going to go into details, but I had to come to terms with something I didn't want. Instead of looking at this as a negative I'm going to hold onto some words that were said to me and see this as a positive step to my good health.

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Some storms are just more awesome than others. Last night it hailed and the energy helped to create a playful mood. Afterward, the thunder continued rumbling and creating energy surges. Yes, it was another sleep-short night, but it was definitely well worth it.

Today's shop update will be filled with the new colors and I hope my customers like them as much as I do. Several skeins are going into the bin for Tour de Sock since I'm one of the event sponsors again. The winners last year were pretty happy with the prizes and I'm hoping they will be again.

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Monday: The weekend was filled with some pretty cool events. Brianna's first pair of track shoes were bought, time spent talking with Kevin, time spent with other family members, good journaling, and knitting. There are moments in my life when I truly believe it can't get better. Then I think of how wondrous the future will be and I know that I am going to love every bit of it. Hard times, good times, I'm looking forward to them all.

Tomorrow will be another big step for me. Some of you already know about it, and the rest will know very soon. Ostara. Six weeks after that will be Beltane. Both are powerful celebrations for Pagans and they both will have a special meaning for me. I look forward to telling you all about it.

For now, I hope you all have a chance to enjoy the beauty of Spring.

Myriad thoughts...

This has been a very strange week for me. A variety of Life and Death. Joy and Sorrow. Triumph and Defeat.

Life... babies being born, spring beginning to bloom, a new awareness of my own vitality. My children have grown so fast and yet, hardly at all. As I continue the journey across Middle Earth and redefine what I want in my own life, I see the light in their eyes and know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that, with the choices I'm making now, I am still guiding them in a small way.

Death... lives being cut short, ending of hopes, a new awareness of my own mortality. I was once told that I was morbid by having a will at such a young age (I was 26 at the time) and yet, isn't it my responsibility to have one? Not to lay that burden on my family? Yes, I believe so. My loved ones know what I want done after I'm gone. They trust that I have made wise choices. I only hope to ease a troubled time.

Joy... in the knowledge that I'm accomplishing things I wouldn't have, if I'd made different choices. I know that each decision I made in the past brought me to where I am now. I also know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy that I know I have the strength to do what I need to.

Sorrow... for loved friends, for my own dreams, for the endings. There are times when you come to the realization that some of the things you wanted all your life are just not meant for you. You see more clearly that some of the dreams you held in your late 20s are not going to come with you into your early 40s. It hurts to let go of those dreams. Hurts to lay to rest some of the hopes you once had.

Triumphs... quiet knowledge that I have pedaled more than 700 miles so far. I thought I'd be jumping up & down over that one, but instead it was this awe-filled hush that came over me. Granted, it took me a little over 3 months to reach that point, but I'm still going, even after 3 months. That means a lot to me.

Defeat... my body is weaker than I thought. One round of exercises nearly made me immobile for a day. I hurt just to sit still. And yet, I can't truly call this a defeat since I didn't let it stop me. I did those same exercises this morning, and will do them again a couple times this week.

During this week I've also stopped to think about how meditation really affects me. In many ways it has helped me to stay more calm in stressful situations. My tears are not as close to the surface as they once were. Even so, the tears sometimes catch me by surprise when I forget how much progress I have made. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I've also thought seriously of Faith. I have friends who are atheists and I'm sure they look at me as a superstitious being of little intelligence. They are entitled to those thoughts and I would not yell at them or think less of them for having those thoughts. And yet, I know that some of them would not be so civilized. I know that there are people out there who would look at me and fight with me to prove that they are right and that there is no Higher Power. I hold firm to my beliefs, not because they are antiquated or superstitious, not because I'm a sheep in a herd following each other, not because I have a low intelligence. I hold them because I see the wonder of the world around me, feel the power of an indescribable energy when I experience something amazing, know with all my heart that I have someone watching over me. I do not think that I am not responsible for my actions, nor do dismiss rational thought. 

Dreams, hopes, challenges, and choices. These all lead us to the path we are on. And they all hold us up when we are sure we will not be able to take another step.

May your dreams uphold you, your hopes sustain you, your challenges strengthen you, and your choices fulfill you.

Almost blooming

Yes, I've skipped the last two Mondays. I don't have a particular reason other than the energy just wasn't there. Sometimes that happens and a person just needs a break from things so that they can focus their energy somewhere else. Like personal healing.

Some good things have happened over the last couple weeks. I spent a day in my kitchen trying out new recipes, I pushed myself with my knitting, I pushed myself physically, I even pushed myself emotionally. That last was the hardest. But I am feeling a little better in the space I created for my Self.

There are bright moments when I can feel comfortable in the promises I've heard. Those moments when my heart acknowledges them and starts to accept them. Even through the turmoil of the doubts and fears. Those are the moments I am making more space for. The moments I am letting the sun shine on.

Today's entry will be brief. I have so many thoughts swirling at the same time and I don't want them to come out garbled. Instead, I will send out loving energy to all and hope that your day is filled with peace.