the only constant...

This has been a very strange week of ups and downs, emotional highs and lows, fears and discoveries.

The fears could be laughable in someone else's eyes, but they are there just the same. It was only this morning that I realized why some of the fears are overwhelming at times. "I expect the bad experiences from my past to be repeated because I am the only constant," she said. I sat a little while and absorbed that thought. Then I thought some more about why that resonated so strongly within me. And, it's because it is true.

It’s hard letting go of the past hurts because I’m the only one that went through them all. Three dads who walked away, an abusive mother, a husband who turned to drugs, a boyfriend who did the same, another who walked away from the relationship… it makes a person think that they are the one who isn’t right. It pushes the awesomeness aside and points to all the flaws in your own Being. It causes some part of us to believe that we deserve the self-hate and the hurt. I can logically tell myself that I don’t deserve it, but unless it manifests in my heart, it will be harder to live hate-free. And Fear-free. Yes, even now there are fears I have that sometimes try to take over the wonderful person that I am. Those fears tell me that I'm not deserving of this person's friendship or that person's love or this person's Truth.

And, I feel despair at times. There are so few people who I have shared those moments with. In fact, I could probably name them on my mother's right hand and still have some fingers left over (her forefinger was amputated). And in that very precious few, only one knows most of the fears and negativity (no one knows them all) and still loves me and hasn't walked away.

So... what to do about this? Try a little harder to believe in the fact that I am a good person. Try to believe more in the fact that others see something wonderful in me. Try a little harder to let go of the hurts caused by someone else. And, mostly, try a lot harder to keep believing in Me.

I am choosing to celebrate the  wonderful aspects of my Life.

Possibilities

The last two weeks haven't been the best. Certainly not the worst, but definitely not the best. Between stress with personal matters, worries about finances, health issues and so many other things that tried to drag me down, I found myself in need of some spiritual healing.

I took time to write out my thoughts, all the things I was angry about, all the things that hurt me, and all the things I felt were missing in my life. While I was writing them all out, I thought about how I felt about the way my life was heading. Changes need to be made. Plain, simple, truthful. I will not allow myself to sit in this space any longer.

What will I do? Well, I already started it. After writing all the negative stuff out on paper, I showered and spent some time sitting outside in the sun. I could feel the warmth easing some of the muscle tension and energizing my soul. When the moment felt right, I took fresh sheets of paper and began writing again. This time I wrote of the things I wanted to attract into my life. Thing that I knew I deserved, that I knew were achievable. I didn't write of material things (although getting the bills paid every month is certainly something I'd like to attract), instead I wrote of dreams I once cherished, goals I'd laid aside, hopes I'd once harboured in my heart. These things, that I'd forgotten, came to life under my fingers.

I still have some decisions to make, but I have faith, now, that I can make them with an open heart.

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember...

Today is Tuesday, May 1, 2012CE. I left home 23 years ago and never went back. It was rough going and I was terrified that night, but I'd made the choice to leave, to set out on my own and do the best I could. There were moments when I was sure I was going to fail. Moments when I was so certain I'd have to crawl back with my head hung in shame. Instead, I thrived and grew and learned to support myself and slowly, so very slowly, I became strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, to become the woman I am, and am becoming.

I thought about writing a little about why I left home so early and what transpired before I took flight, but it doesn't all matter now. Now is more than two decades later. Does my past influence my present? Of course, but it's not important right now to dredge up some of those memories. There were a lot of good ones, and I might write of those someday. There were a lot of bad ones, and I chose to learn from them so I can be a better person.

Wednesday - What a strange day this is. I heard a voice on the air when I stepped outside. No, I'm not joking or making it up. I heard a voice. It was a male voice telling me to stop worrying so much and that it would be alright.

Thursday - Once again I'm up long before the alarm sounds. The world feels hushed right now. Not the normal hush of a sleeping world, but one holding its breath, waiting for the hammer to fall. Such are my thoughts... I am choosing to release that for now and do something soothing... I think I'll knit some of the most challenging lace I've encountered so far.

Saturday - And so it comes to this. It was brought to my attention that I'd done something that hurt those most dear to me. It wasn't intentional, to be sure, but it was done, nonetheless. When I was told about it I was stunned that I could be that unthinking.

What could be so bad? I failed to tell them a very important part of me. I'm not going to get into the details, but there was a bit of information that I'd not shared with them. And it hurt them. True, the younger ones shrugged it off and said it was "okay", but I know they only did that so I didn't feel bad. I let them know that it wasn't okay and that I'd made a big mistake by not thinking about it, by not even comprehending that I'd done this. As for the older one? The one I've chosen to be with through all kinds of crap and awesomeness? He told me that he knew it wasn't done out of maliciousness and hugged me.

I think of myself as a good person, one who thinks about others, one who does her best to make sure her loved ones have what they need... and yet, I am not perfect. I know that I cause hurt to the ones I love most.

Still, the ones I'd hurt forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. For that I am ever grateful. They hold me in high regard and I hope to not let them down... or, at least, do the best that I can.

Monday - The rain is moving in and I'm wishing to be somewhere else... and yet, there is a new shipment of yarn calling to me... new colors, new yarn bases, new ideas and hopes. Writing, too, that must be done. Stories that must be told and shared with those who don't know, those who missed it all. Papers to file, records to be updated...

I'm a little more at peace this morning than I've been for the whole week. Communication is vital to Life. It is more vital than food, sometimes. Love is vital to Life. Without it, we are walking around empty. Faith is vital to Life. Faith in our loved ones, in ourselves, in our Creator, in the knowledge that it will be alright.

Fire is vital to Life. Fire to create, to see beauty in all that surrounds us, to appreciate the best of moments. Fire to dream, to aspire, to achieve. Fire to be passionate about life. Fire to Love.

May you all have a day filled with Fire.