Endings

Tuesday: I entered my own choice of number for the extra skeins in the club yarn. Normally I don't do this. After all, I'm the dyer, not the member. But, a few of the other women pointed out that I am a member and that if I really want an extra skein, I should put in a number. So, after checking the budget (fridge is full, bills are paid, gas in the vehicle) I put in for a skein. We'll see if my number comes up. What would I do with 2 skeins? Well, it's blue & sparkles and would make a lovely shawl.

Wednesday: According to the calendar today is the last day before Winter Solstice. How do I feel about this? I'm not sure. There have been so many days when I have spent hours in contemplation. What accomplishments come from that? A lot of self-learning. I'm still not sure how I feel about the end of the season (even though there has been precious little snow so far), but I do know that there are internal issues that I've worked through and feel better about letting them go.

Thursday: I completed the last project for the "111 in 2011" group. I really surprised myself with this accomplishment since I wasn't really sure I could do it. I had a lot of fun looking over other people's projects and seeing my own adding up.

Friday: I let go of a concept today. The concept of size. You see, I was told a number for an ideal size for me. A healthy one, not a twig, not a "big girl", but a good size for the Woman I am striving to be. The best Me I can be. I was afraid to embrace that number simply because I wasn't sure if I'd still be desirable (yeah, silly, right?) or even sexy. After all, so many times we are told that "real women" have some meat on their bones, have curves, aren't afraid of being bigger. But (and I know I may be stepping on several toes here), I know women who are tiny in size and they are not less of a woman simply because they are skinny. For example, "T" is a tiny woman, she's got three kids with her husband, has worked hard to get ahead, is an awesome Mom, and has a wonderful personality. Another one, "M", is a tiny slip of a thing and has a heart of gold, is friendly and loves her friends. Another one, "K", is also thin and is a former Marine, runs marathons, loves her partner deeply, and is always ready to help someone out. Are these women less? No way! And so, I let go of that thought and began designing a sweater that will fit me in a few months and is going to fit me very well six months from now as well. Because a "real woman" isn't defined by how many curves she has, she's defined by the Life she puts into her life.

Saturday: The battle of the shower room is coming to a close. I have tried every non-toxic product I could find and still have been struggling with that icky black crap. Well, it is now just about gone. Yes, bleach is my weapon. I have finally admitted that the stuff that grows up here is significantly different than the stuff that grew in Phoenix. Perhaps scientists will say otherwise, but I've been fighting with this stuff for far too long to believe that it's the same species. I like the clear walls and the clean look to the shower now. I will remain vigilant, however.

Sunday: The last of the laundry is done and the clutter in my room has been eliminated. I'm letting go of the habit to leave things until the eleventh hour. There is so much of a difference in the energy that flows here when things are cleared away. I'm letting go of that thought that I don't have enough time to put stuff away. I'm also letting go of some thoughts for Alina Shea Creations. They were limiting thoughts. Ones that may lead to a dwindling of the business and that's not what I need. I need to be positive.

Monday: Ah, the holiday weekend is finally over. There are so many different emotions associated with this year. Sadness because 75% of the people I wanted to spend time with were not here, happiness at the 25% who were here, worry about Anthony, Love for my chosen family, sorrow for the people who are far from home, joy over the thought that was put into my Yule gifts, peace with the knowledge that things will be okay one way or another... and so many more. And now, the day draws to a close and I am looking forward to a sound slumber and waking with the Fire to begin a new week (even though it's Tuesday).

Yes, my life right now is on Fire in so many ways!

Busy...

Today is not going to be a normal post. I've been doing a lot of thinking, so this post will be about that.

There are times in your life when you're unsure about the way things are going to go and you can't help but worry about them. For example, most people who know me know that my son is in Afghanistan right now. They also know that I worry about him. On a daily basis, I'm reminded that there is no level of "comfort" with him being out there. Yes, he's in Data. No, he's not in the "front lines". But he keeps a loaded and ready gun with him at all times. He stands watch to make sure no one is coming toward the base without authorization. When he does leave the base to go to another one, there is a risk. And so, I worry. A lot.

Sometimes there is a good reason for staying on the edge of awareness. A good reason not to fall into that lull of security. But, most often for me, it starts to wear on the mind. What can you count on? What can you believe in? What can you look at and know that it is, and always will be, safe? Who can you turn to and know that they will never forsake you (hurt you, perhaps, but never break the Sacred Trust)?

I took a very hard look at my life and found answers. True, there are some things that I see as "surface safe" and wonder how they will end up, but there are areas in my life that I feel complete faith in. Does my faith falter for a moment? Of course, I am a human being. But, when I look clearly, that faith flares up even brighter.

I feel blessed to know that I have things that I can count on. My ability to control most of my health. My creativity. The determination to make ends meet. The strength I've gained over the years.

I feel blessed to know that I have things I can believe in. My ability to connect with Spirit. My love for my children. Their love for me. My love for Kevin. His love for me. My love and growing respect for my Dad. His complete love for me. My love for my friends. Their love for me.

I feel blessed to have someone in my life who will never forsake me. I will not elaborate on this, except to say that, even when the stumbles happen, they have never defeated us.

So, an unusual post for this blog, but this is what has been on my mind.

Roller-coaster

Tuesday - With Brianna's help, I pulled all the old tarp off the shed. I'll be letting it dry out before putting new ones on. Yuck, what a gross job... and I was on  a ladder. Ugh. The funny thing is that I'm only a little nervous getting up on the roof and working up there. I am scared to death about coming back down.

Wednesday - We got snow! It wasn't a lot and it melted away in the sunny parts of the yard nearly as soon as the sun touched it, but it was still pretty cool. I'm both looking forward to, and dreading the winter.

Thursday - I finished up most of the holiday cared and they will go out tomorrow. This yearn I'm sending them to so many people! I don't know if I can do that every year, but it would be kind of nice. I also took time to clean out my wallet and a couple other areas of the house. There is still so much to do, but I am looking at it all, one day at a time.

Friday - I updated the shop with several gradient colors today. I love how they look, even though they take so much longer than the others.

Saturday - Sleep was elusive. Kevin walked me through fixing the light in the utility room. I am so glad he let me do the work. There were some parts he did, but it wasn't because I couldn't have, more because it was really messy. He then took us out for dinner & shopping. Well, it was more Brianna's shopping than anything. She didn't want me in the store when she got my gift, but insisted that he be there. Odd. Anyway, that is the last of our holiday shopping.

Sunday - What a wonderful feeling! I can't even describe it well, so I won't try.

Monday - This day has been so filled with emotional ups & downs. I woke with a feeling of hope for the day, then found out that what I'd been looking forward to wasn't going to happen right now. Then I was thrilled at bicycling more than 10 miles through Middle Earth. After that, I was blasted with a wave of jealousy that I didn't think was possible. Then guilt, because it was directed at the families whose military members were arriving from Iraq. The tears that came with that were uncontrollable and I actually had to just let them fall. Afterward I felt drained and wished for... well, what I couldn't have at the moment. I've come to grips with it, with the help from several friends. I am only human. I also finished a few house projects which helped a little, too. Now, at the end of this day, I am trying to stay hopeful for the future and easy on myself. Even when the negative emotions flare up.

Trying something new...

This week I'm going to try writing a little each day, then publish it on Monday. We;ll see how that works out.

Tuesday: My appointment was this morning and it turns out that my sugars are a little elevated, but not to the point of being out of control. The rest of the symptoms are most likely related to stress. How to combat it? Movement, for the most part. Brianna and I found a stationary bike at Goodwill for only $25. It's not fancy, but we can adjust the tension and it has a timer on it. Not bad. I only "rode" it for 15 minutes and knitted part of that time.

Wednesday: I finished a hat that I'll be sending off to Anthony -

Thursday: I started a new blog for my health called 6849 Miles. I'll be bicycling the length of Sam's and Frodo's journey to Mordor and back with a couple side trips tossed in. I'm doing this mainly to help keep myself motivated. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let myself be unhealthy.

Friday: After hearing from a couple members on Ravelry, I decided to start a new thread for our health. It will be smaller than the Gryffindor Gym and I'm hoping it will help us cheer each other on. A few others will be traveling along this trip as well. Not necessarily biking or walking, but they will be doing what needs to be done for themselves and that means a lot. I also began an interesting challenge from Silver Ravenwolf. Each day we get rid of at least one item. She does give "missions" and that will help keep the focus.

We also bought our Yule tree! This year we get a Douglas Fir instead of a Scotch Pine. It's a little smaller than the last couple years, but it looks so cute! And the needles aren't nearly as sharp.

Saturday: Kevin took me to dinner and a show! It was really cool to see It's a Wonderful Life on stage. True, this is a small-town venue, but it was really nice. That was the first time I'd been in the Sandusky State Theater and I liked the feel of the place. I'm hoping we can go again before long to see something else.

It was really nice getting dressed up and doing something different.

Sunday: Brianna and I decorated our tree. It still feels a little odd to know that Anthony will not be here, but I kept good cheer and Brianna was pretty happy with it all. The packages under there now look  a little funny, but that's only because Anthony had them sent to us and told us that we couldn't open them until Yule.

We might open them on the 17th, though, and that's mainly because of the work schedule.

More repairs

What an interesting week! I'm thinking about changing the way I write these entries, and I'll certainly get that figured out by tomorrow. Anyway...

Thanksgiving was very nice, even though we spent most of the afternoon tearing my dryer apart. Kevin tested all the parts inside and they were all strong. The only broken part was a blower fan. Not even duct tape could fix that one (and yes, we tried it).

After cleaning up  the mess, we looked up the part online and found it for sale. Since there is an appliance repair shop not far from me, it was good to get the price. Luckily, the shop was open on Friday. Now I can officially say that I've gone to a store on Black Friday. Crazy, huh? Anyway, I got the part and installed it myself.

Now the dryer may last another 10 years before another repair is needed.

Saturday was filled with baking, grating, making butter, and knitting. All in preparation of Sunday's feast, which included only 2 of Kevin's kids. I was a little bummed that one couldn't make it (the others are out of the state), since he usually has something witty to say about lots of things, but that's how it goes, I guess. It was a nice dinner, though and most of the conversation was lively.

Tomorrow is my appointment to discuss the lab results. I keep telling myself that I'm not really worried about it. I keep telling myself that I'm waking in the night from the wind, or rain, or a full bladder... deep in my heart I know better. I am afraid of what she will tell me. I'm afraid she's going to inform me that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. It's hard to shake that feeling, even though I want to believe I'm stronger than that.

On the bright side... I finished Anthony's hat.

Rain of emotions

The week was full of emotional ups and downs that just seemed to get more and more exhausting as the week progressed. It was crazy.

I was able to spend time away from home this weekend (as I am able to many weekends) and found time to write in my journal. I have so many aspects of my own Self to explore. While I was writing, a lot of the hurt and confusion drained away. That helped my sanity more than anything. I'm now able to remain positive about the challenges I face. I'm able to let go a bit more of the pain I've been in. I'm even a little more sure of the future I face. Is everything completely filled with sunshine and roses? Of course not. Life isn't that way.

I feel better now about one of my friendships. I have no idea what path it will take or what distance the journey will be, but I can now believe that it's in our hands. We are working on it together and will do our best to hold each other up.

I also feel better about another relationship. Sometimes I see division and separation where there is none. A lot of that is caused by the fact that I don't give enough love to my own Self. When the continuance and connectivity is gently pointed out to me, I can step back and accept it again.

So, these were all the things accomplished this week (with a lot of help) that cannot be seen on the surface.

On the surface, there are a few other things that are new.

 

 

Also, the shopping for Sunday's dinner is completed. This was actually a pleasant outing, filled with a surprise dinner, laughter, friendship, fresh veggies, and Love. Yep, the shopping was not horrid this year.

I hope you are all able to enjoy the beauty in your lives. I hope you are also able to see the blessings you each have.

Slow week

This week was actually a "finish the stuff" kind of week. I was able to get the swap shawl finished (it's nearly dry so I'll get some pictures tomorrow), finished some personal writing, and finished a couple business things.

One thing that I started was 15 Days of Thankfulness. Essentially, each day there is a new prompt for what to focus on and you write about it. I think it's a good way to focus on things that you feel grateful for, while also reminding yourself that you have a lot of blessings.

This week was also about learning and growing. Some fears were set aside while others popped up. The biggest new one (I'm not posting about it until I find out for certain) is health related. I know that I will be placing a few calls tomorrow to see about laying my fears to rest. Until then, I will be positive.

So, even though I don't have a lot to "show" for this week, internally it has been really busy. May you all be blessed.

Laughter & tears

What a week this has been! I started my Nanowrimo writing on Tuesday and was amazed at how the memories just started flowing. I actually had to write some of them down because they were popping up in my mind so fast. Now I have a piece of paper filled with a couple words for each memory that will help me get them all typed up. I love doing this and am pretty sure it's something that will bring my Dad some joy.

I also spun a full bump of fiber (pictures in a bit), started a shawl for a friend, dyed another shawl of mine, moved my bedroom furniture around, helped with cleaning a dryer hose, blogged about anger (I usually don't do that), met my daughter's boyfriend, played in the leaves with a toddler and my Sweetie, and made refried beans for the first time. Ever.

The fiber is the the first installment of the PS... line of colors that Pacasha, of Younger Yarns, and I are dyeing together. She dyes the fiber and I dye the yarn. We both use the same dye (since we buy from the same suppliers) and colors, and last month was a hit! Since it was our first month, we both sent each other a package and I finished spinning mine just a couple days ago. I still need to set it, but that won't take long. It's so gorgeous! (And the spinning looks great, too.) Here's what it looked like halfway done -

The shawl is going to a wonderful woman who plays in the House Cup group on Ravelry. We're doing a secret swap, so I can't even say where she lives, but I know she's going to love it. The yarn is my own Sunrises in Nightshade, and I already know she likes the colors.

The shawl I dyed was made from the yarn my Dad sent me for Solstice a couple years ago, and that I wear quite a bit. Now, it's even more awesome because of the colors.

Moving my bedroom around was a great way of giving me a better view when I'm sitting at my desk. Now, I can really enjoy the natural daylight even while I'm working on shop updates, Nano writing, or just playing on Ravelry.  It's still a bit messy, but this is my new view -

I met the boy Brianna is "dating". I use the quotations simply because they haven't gone out on an actual date, but they call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. How do I feel about this? Well, the boy came in and gave me a firm handshake and introduced himself to me. That says something. I guess time will tell about the rest of it.

 Playing in the leaves on Sunday was wonderful. The toddler (I'll still need to ask his parents' permission about names and pictures) was hesitant at first, but after a couple minutes of seeing what I was doing, he jumped right in with kicking the leaves, tossing them around, wading through the pile and just having fun. Kevin joined in tossing the leaves in the air and kicking them all around (like he needs an excuse to have fun). It was really nice to be able to have a reason for making a mess of the leaf pile and fill the time with smiles and laughter.

I think that Sunday was one of the best I've had and it will certainly be one of my happy memories.

So, where does the "tears" portion of the title come from? Well, when my emotions run really high, they begin to overflow. Whether from anger, sorrow, joy, or Love, the tears will spill over. I'm not ashamed of this, it just is the way I am. This week has been filled with all of these emotions and more.

I hope you are all having a wonderful week and that you all find moments that will be memories for the rest of your life.

Blessed Samhain!

What a busy week this has been!

I attended a very small gathering for Small Business Peer Mentoring hosted by the creator/owner of Oasis Healing Arts. It was a very small group, but that gave us a lot more interaction than there might have been. I did learn a few things and I'm looking forward to learning more.

On the craft front, I finished a few small projects and reached 50% of a large project -

 

In the repair/fix-it department, I added hooks to my flyer and replaced the dryer belt. 

Tomorrow begins the Nanowrimo, which I will be participating in. I won't be writing a novel, instead I'll be writing about various memories I have of being a child. I don't have any grand dreams of being published, but it might be a nice story to share with my grandchildren someday.

For now, I will continue working on my knitting and relax for the rest of the day.

Project of the week...

The other night, the idea of a project each week was given to me and I have been thinking about it since then. I think it's a great idea and it doesn't even have to show only my crafty projects, but life projects as well. Such as seeing the whales off the coast of Maine (not my idea, but a cool one nonetheless). And the thought occurred to me about just adding this to the other blog, or keeping it separate. If I want this to show the things I've done in a year, or five, then it should be a new blog.

I think the most daunting part of this is the fear that I will have nothing to show at the end of this. But, since we never know where our roads lead, what would I gain by not trying at all.

Where to start? If I started projects from my birthday until now, I would include these:

Fiber spun into singles (spun on the wheel that Sally painted and my awesome friends made sure I received by my birthday) -

Then plied -

A scarf made for my dad -

Some fiber I dyed -

And split for fractal spinning -

Other crafty news: I finished another washcloth, am still learning how to do stranded colorwork with a little stretch to it, am working on the Evenstar shawl, and am planning to make a shawl for a crafty swap.

There are other things that have happened as well, but more challenging to actually show. Some of them are internal and who wants to see my insides, right?

One accomplishment recently was a detox. Scary word, isn't it? Well, this was a food de-tox. I went for over a week not having any type of dairy or grain. I don't have any allergies or anything like that, I just wanted to get my body cleaned out for the winter. Mainly, it was a way to help eliminate any odd cravings that I get sometimes. For example, there is nothing of nutritional value in a Whataburger. As nice as they are to enjoy, having an actual craving for one certainly doesn't point to a vitamin or mineral deficiency so, why the craving? Since there really isn't any answer, the detox was in order.

The first few days were pretty blah. I rested a lot, read books, knitted, and drank more water than I thought possible. I also enjoyed a ton of veggies. Most were raw, but some were cooked lightly. And I discovered that I won't be doing another detox once the sun starts to decline. Why? Because this is the time of year that I love hot, spicy, and filling foods. Not, cold, raw veggies. Anyway, it was a good experience, nonetheless.

I've also been doing more journaling and thinking. I have so many ideas running through my head on a regular basis and I'm really looking forward to figuring out ways to make them work. Some are pretty simple, like moving the furniture in my room. The most challenging parts of that are the fact that I don't have many outlets, nor do I have a really long data cable (my F8 key is broken on the netbook so I can no longer connect wirelessly). I'll get these things settled pretty soon and my room will be even more pleasing than it is right now.  Well, to be honest, at this moment there are things out of place since I didn't put them away when I got home yesterday.